Monday, July 20, 2009

I never promised there'd be sunshine every day

Hi blog-reading world,

It’s almost midnight and I’m about 3.5 seconds away from totally using my keyboard as a pillow…
What shall we talk about today…

There’s quite a bit going on, but isn’t there always according to me?

There was a good amount of drama going on around my house today. Honestly, I’m not even sure what happened, but I knew that my parents were arguing about something…and considering we were getting along so well yesterday morning, I was kind of confused. I assume it had something to do with my cousins/aunts (from my dad’s side), it usually does. I used to get along semi-fine with my dad’s side of the family, but that all changed when my aunt had her daughter. She basically became the favorite niece or whatever and they all stopped paying any attention to me. Personally I don’t really care anymore-I’m not gonna beg and plead for someone’s attention-but my mom and my dad’s family have never gotten along. I don’t know how much of it is in my mom’s mind and how much is real, but ever since my parents got married things started going downhill. My mom’s definitely the jealous type-in every possible sense of the word-so every time my dad tries to do something for my cousins when they visit from Mexico (take them out to eat, buy them food or something…) she freaks. She doesn’t think they respect my dad enough, and I guess that’s partly true, but I don’t know…it’s pretty complicated…

In other news… Do you ever feel like just letting someone walk out of your life? What if this person was your supposed best friend-the person you shared every single detail with once upon a time.. What if you feel like they left you behind when you most need them, is it okay to let them walk away then? I don’t think it is, so I don’t know what I’m doing right now…

At the start of eighth grade I felt like my world was literally crushing me, and that was when I met one of my best friends. We ‘clicked’ instantly, and she introduced me to her group of friends, and I was easily welcomed…and that was something I hadn’t experienced before at that school, so I thought that girl was pretty remarkable. Anyways, for the next 3 years or so we were almost inseparable. Although we went to different high schools, we hung out every week and talked daily. I felt like we almost knew everything about each other. We lived a 5-minute walking distance away from each other, so I was always there for her if she needed me and vice versa. We were (are) totally opposites. She was the non-really-school-focused party boy-crazy girl, and I was the advice-giving academic shy one. As corrupt as it seems, we kind of brought out the missing part in each other…and I was happy with that.
About a year ago she moved about two hours away. Little by little we drifted; we stopped calling each other all the time, and when we did, conversations were vague. She kept in tuch with other friends more than she did me, and I was hurt by that and distanced myself more instead of saying anything and trying to save our friendship, probably because I was so afraid of ruining our friendship all together. She started becoming a hookup kind of girl; she began drinking and stealing and she just stopped being the girl I loved. I was always there to listen to her when she messed up, I was the one on the other line comforting her and giving her advice and reassuring her that everything would be okay. In those moments I felt cared about and needed, and if I’m honest that’s partly the reason why I’ve hung on to the fading friendship for so long. Lately we’ve basically stopped talking..

There was no falling out or anything, I just stopped calling her and she did the same, but I still get a call once in a while during which she spills every problem to me and expects me to give her advice in return. I’m always more than willing to listen to someone-anyone-and give them advice about anything, or just listen to them, but when that person used to be such a good friend of mine, I kind of expect to be listened to in return, and that’s not happening. I don’t feel like I can tell her anything anymore; I don’t think she really knows who I am, and I really don’t like it. Everytime I try to talk about my life with her she has an excuse to get off the phone or she somehow turns it into something about her. I don’t want to let go of this friendship, so I don’t really know what I should do… I hate being mean and I’ve avoided confronting her about any of this for the most part… Maybe I should? Who knows…

Hi, umm…it’s like 12:30 now, that was a nice nap…

There’s so much more I want to write and need to write…maybe I’ll start a new blog if I can’t sleep.
I seriously can no longer focus… Kate Voegele’s playing in the background and she has a tendency to distract me..yeah…that’s my excuse. And I have an annoying fever/sore throat//headache…some of my friends have tenderly taken to calling in the Swine Flu. I’m loved. Ha.
But in seriousness…I do feel like I am, by a few amazing people; I hope you know who you are.
And there’s a pretty good chance you will be talked about in the next blog (that I may write tonight…), but now I have to go find some medicine..and edit and post this.
Xx


PS: I appologize for the boringness of this blog...it's late.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Now I'm Inside Out...

Hey.

They say that writing something out is supposed to help you figure out what you’re thinking or whatever, right? Maybe? I don’t know…that’s what I’m doing, let’s see where it leads me.

Where to start, where to start…
You know when you’re thinking about 43908790867 things all at once and you don’t know where one thought ends and one begins? Yeah, welcome to my mind. It’s not really that anything super-huge has happened-well, backtrack, I guess part of it holds a pretty big amount of significance-but…I don’t know, most things are the usual, they just seem to affect me more right now…maybe because they’re all happening all at once, and I can’t find anything to distract myself with.

It’s not that *everything* is going wrong, because that would be a total lie. I’m going to an Amy Kuney show next week, so that’s pretty cool. Because of Amy and Kate I’ve met some pretty amazing girls, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them. …especially now. Recently I started dating someone pretty amazing… So as you can see I have quite a bit going for me I guess.

But still…

Part un: I love my family to death, and I know that they feel the same. I just wish things were different… I wish there wasn’t such a rift between me and my two brothers; I wish my brothers had some sort of goal, that way I wouldn’t have to listen to my dad complain about it and my parents then argue endlessly about it, and eventually the screams of my brother and my dad on a Friday or Saturday night that I sometimes hear; I wish my dad didn’t have such high expectations…considering it feels like I’m failing at everything and I can’t talk to him because I’m afraid of letting him down; I wish my mom had more expectation-that she truly believed that a disability doesn’t limit you in life-I want her true support in what I do. Is that too much to ask? Of course it is, I tend to ask for the moon all too often, but I don’t expect anything to change anytime soon…I just wish it would.

In other news, I do believe that I mentioned that I was dating someone.. Well, before we get into that I guess I should inform you all that I’m a lesbian. Surprise surprise. I’ve started not caring about what people think about it; the only people who I’m really h’hiding’ it from are my parents…and I guess that goes back to the whole disappointing thing. I feel stupid for saying that I don’t want them to be disappointed in me for liking girls, but…I don’t know…

Anyways, this person that I’m dating. We started talking almost a year ago, and I got along with them really well. But, there’s a bit of distance between us. I think we can work past it, I really hope we can, because I care about this person a lot… Which brings me to my next mental discussion. Recently this person told me that they loved me, and I told them that I loved them…and I do think that I mean it, I just…wonder…if it’s really love that I’m feeling. I mean, they’re the first person I think about when I wake up, and they can always make me smile, and I love having any sort of conversation with them, no matter how simple…but I wish I could be completely certain that I love them. I mean, they make me feel beautiful, they make me feel loved, and thinking about them gets me through a lot of stuff…but how do you know for sure that you love someone if you haven’t been in love before.. And if that person’s reading this, then I hope they don’t think that I’m doubting what I told them before about wanting to say it back and meaning it, because I do…I just wonder I guess, if things would be different if there wasn’t so much distance between us, if things would be better or worse. And I wish I could just straight-up tell them this, I guess I could, but I’m really not the one to initiate conversations. You’ll notice that whether you’ve known me for 3 days or 10 years, I hate to be the one to initiate a conversation…and no matter who you are, I suck at getting my feelings out to you. It’s not that I don’t want to tell people-that I don’t trust them or anything-it’s just that I’m really bad at putting things into words, especially text-I’d much rather talk by word of mouth if there’s something on my mind; I like to have that connection with someone. And as a last not on this subject, if the person I’m dating reads this, I’m not saying that I’m questioning our relationship or doubting anything or anything… And I hope they know how thankful I am to have them in my life.

There’s a ton more I want to write, but I think I’ll save that for a later blog. Hope you’re all having a fabulous Thursday. :)

Blog from two months ago

I wrote this forever ago...

I Ain't got no Sob Story to Write

Hi there, happy Friday.

I suck at blogging, have I ever told you that? Well, I’m telling you now. Let’s see…let’s blog…

Well, life’s been pretty uneventful for the past week or so.
Example: Today: I woke up (unwillingly, mind you), got ready in a half-awake state of mind, and headed to school. The first class was choir, and our teacher
decided that he didn’t want to have rehearsal today, but of course he forgot to tell 99% of us; not cool, I would have appreciated that extra hour or so
of sleep. Second period was precalc, and all I can say about that is that math is some cruel form of child torture, it’s still beyond me how I’m passing
that class. Third period was US History, in wich we got to listen to the teacher ramble endlessly about the 1960’s for 55 minutes. Fourth period was French.
I love that class, but an hour of testing/workbook things isn’t really that interesting. During English I just tried to stay awake; our student teacher
could literally put any person to sleep, and him + “Red Badge of Courage” is just all-around bad.

Lunch was the usual uneventful awkwardness, considering…everything that’s happened to my plummeting social life in the past year. During sixth period I
helped tutor a class of special ed. Kids. This experience has helped me decide that I no longer want to be a teacher for the disabled; I’m just not that
patient.
After that I went home, and I’ve been here ever since. Exciting, no?

I pretty much just need this year to be over; I really don’t enjoy heading to school at all anymore. I know most people say that, because, well, who wants
to memorize random equations and write the 6 different forms of a French verb five days a week, but my dislike of school actually goes beyond the basics.
I actually used to enjoy going, a while back, In like middle school, when I felt like I was part of the general population and had friends I could cry
and laugh with, people who I could walk down the halls with and not worry about stares or ignorant comments. But, I guess that was then and this is now.
I really don’t know when things really changed, probably when I went to TO High, and most of the people I hung out with went to Westlake.

Starting over was definitely not successful for me, especially not when I spent most of my free time doing work the other kids could do in class or at home
easily, with a special ed. Teacher, because nothing ever got brailled, and was completely inaccessible. That, however, has been a separate on-going problem
that almost got my school into a lawsuit this past year.
Anyways…

Ever since freshman year, when I tried to pull away from overbearing adults that thought that any disability meant you should be segregated from the world,
I guess people got some misconseption about me or something… Ever since then it’s been nearly impossible to hold a conversation with a fellow student that
wasn’t for a school project, or based around pity or something.
So, basically, I just go there to learn and get home as soon as possible, so I can avoid the general awkwardness and look-down-on-ness of that place. I
think that that’s one reason I really want to get out of this city (and this part of the state, if possible..) right after high school. I want to start
off new, with people who don’t know me and have no previous opinions about me. People that I can get to know now that I’m more confident with everything.
The new experience is what excites me and frightens me most about the future.

I know I can achieve what I want for the future, but no one ever said it would be easy, and I’m just trying to prepare myself for the challenges.

On another note, Kate Voegele’s “Lift Me Up” tour started today (
www.myspace.com/katevoegele
), and I totally wish I could’ve been able to see that amazingness that I’m sure was tonight’s show. I’m seriously mezmorized by the impact a musician
and the lyrics they sing can have on your life; how they can completely be your ‘weak strand on the rope from the rafters.’ I honestly don’t know how sane
I’d be had I not come across certain musicians that have given me hope and inspiration and helped me find things to look forward to and memories to treasure;
things that help me go on when I’m on the border of breaking. I’ve always tried to live by the “glass is half full” motto, if not for me then for someone
else,because just because I’m not optimistic about my life, it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t give my all to make someone else’s day a little brighter.
My ultimate goal in life-before the success and career and the living up to expectations and the traveling the world dream-the one thing I must accomplish,
is to leave an impact. I don’t care on who, or on how many people, if I can make one person’s life better, if I can make one kid feel like things will
work out eventually if he or she just hangs on tight for a little while longer, well, then, my life will be complete.

And on that note, my phone’s ringing, and I’m gonna go answer it. Until next time, tumblrers…(I don’t think that word really works…)
-xoDais


I ain’t got no sob story to write
But just like everyone else,
I’m living this life
And you don’t need to win me over
“ –ANGEL by Kate Voegele