Thursday, January 28, 2010

Hello Seattle

that title = the song that has been stuck in my head all day. I finally bought some Owl City stuff...and it's pretty awesome.
I don't have anything to say...

Things are as per usual. Social aspects at school suck, but the academics are good, family's...all still alive...and not much else has happened.


Valentine's Day is coming up...it really sucks when you don't have anyone to share it with. They don't even have to be a significant other; they could just be a friend or something...the only close in-person friend I have is moving to Colorado a couple of days before then. This is so not okay...I might kidnap her.

There's stuff I want to rant about, but honestly I don't feel like it. Despite it all, I've been in a really cheery mood for the past few days. I kind of feel like I'm in control of things for once...and it's a nice change.
I get to see Kate/Colbie in a WEEEEEEEK, so that was basically the icing on the cake.
Currently texting Ali, reading 1984, and half-watching the Notebook.
I just did my nails...five layers of this cheap polish later they look semi-okay. Fail.
I'm just giddy and excited ang good...and idk. I just want to tell certain people to fuck off, that would basically complete this mood of mine, but I won't do that...far too shy.
I'm gonna go finish this chapter now. Hope you're all doing well blogger-reading folk. :)
xoxo

Monday, January 18, 2010

It's a silly time to learn to swim, When you start to drown, It's a silly time to learn to swim, On the way down

Pitter-pat.
It’s raining again, I’m not complaining. There’s something about the rain. I know I’ve said it tons of times, but still, it just amazes me. I don’t know what it is. It’s so hopeless, sad and depressing, and yet, it’s just so…peaceful in a way, and happy, cheery.

I’m not making sense, I’m completely aware.

I’m currently sitting in my darkened room, it’s all silent, and I’m listening to the rain hit the roof…it’s a fast-moving pattern, an unavoidable constant splatter, with the occasional thump of some larger raindrop, and the drizzle of the loose water running down my window.
I can’t really pinpoint why I love the rain so much. I love that it’s just…blunt, if that makes sense. It’s unavoidable. It falls, with no regard for who or what it pelts and covers in its water. It doesn’t stop for anyone, and comes and goes as it pleases. Yet, at the same time, it doesn’t hurt; at least not directly. It purifies, clenzes, grazes and splashes, but not directly does it cause real pain. You could argue that it does, but…I like to believe that those are, indirect consequences.

There’s something so liberating to me about standing in the rain. Without a raincoat or an umbrella, just letting the droplets bounce off you, and drench you. It just makes me feel free in a way. I can’t really explain it. Sometimes I wish I could lie on the roof at night, as the rain fell, just for a little while. I have no idea why, and I know it makes me sound insane, but I’d just like to do that. I’d like to be able to bask in it, to feel it’s massive power, it’s control. The way it comes from so far away, so far above, so far below, and lands on my hand, face, in my hair. The way that water has probably travelled everywhere, and seen so much, so to speak. I wish I could be like it; landing in a new place and a new experience all the time.

And there’s just something about the sound of the rain; whether it’s hitting a roof or the cement below your feet. It’s such a peaceful yet, not so peaceful noise. It’s almost intimidating at times, and yet it lolls me and relaxes me. I love listening to it as I fall asleep, or waking up to it in the middle of the night. It makes me feel calm and it makes me smile. It makes me want to dance in the wrai; it makes me want to cuddle with someone I love, to hold them close and just lay there without saying a word. It makes me want to drive in a car, eyes closed, and gentle music in the background, as the water hits the automobile and creates that sound. It makes me want to let go.

…I have no idea where that ramble came from,.And yes, I’m aware of the fact that it makes me sound a liiiittle psycho, and that it probably makes no sense. It just came to mind, so I wrote it. So yeah…
anyhow..
. things are going okay. Finals are this week; guess who’s not excited? I kind of am, actually. I just want this semester to be over; I want a new start.
Life is…life. Nothing has really changed. I’m still pining over someone I know I’ll never get to be with, which, btw, is a really stupid, painful thing to do. It kinda sucks. Oh, and that tiny schoolgirl crush, yeah, it’s am major crush now, and it needs to stop. ASAP. And that’s more than enough relationship talk for one blog.
Goodnight, bloggers

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Every Word Feels Like A Shooting Star

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know? ~Ernest Hemingway”

I know dude; i know.
The only problem is, sleep is hard to come by when there are three trillion things swirling around your mind...little tiny insignificant pieces of things falling apart, and effed up emotions, and worry and confusion, and excitement, and guilt, and...IDK. it's all just chillin within the confines of my brain.

feel like this blog makes me sound like a potential mental hospital ...person.
I begged dad to talke me to a concert tomorrow. he didn't quite say no, he's been trying everything to postpone worky things so he can take me, but i don't even wanna go anymore. Not true, I still do want to go, but it's not worth the guilt. I saw how exhausted he was, and I feel terrible for asking for so much. it's not right or fair. I'm such a selfish person.

And is it me, or is everyone falling into one of those lovey dovey relationships right about now. it's probably just me. I mean, they say you always see what you don't have; if you're trying to eat healthy, someone always seems to be eating a donut. If you're super thirsty, all you see are vending machines and lemonade stands...IDK. something like that.
I don't know what else to tell you. School is okay, getting better academically speaking, socially the same. Family's...family. i block them out. College acceptance(rejection) letters have yet to arrive. We have finals next week. I need a manicure, and to dye my hair. I need to go somewhere...anywhere.

I basically live here now:

http://www.daisdreamer.tumblr.com

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I'd Rather Forget and Not Slow Down

So agrivated. and I don't even know why.
I have problems. It's just been one of those days... one of those days when everyone seems rediculously annoying, everyone seems to be talking too much, everything seems dull or depressing or just not amusing. I hate these days. and I hate that it's just my state of mind that causes them; it's not the actual events. If I really wanted to, I could change them...make myself think they were better. I wouldn't lash out at people for no reason. and i don't, not really. I just don't...talk. I just avoid all conversation and don't laugh at people's jokes. I guess I give off the impression that i'm mad at the person...but that's not the case. it's just better than saying something out of line and dealing with the aftermath. And I don't think I would actually...say anything like that, but...

Who knows...

I have a bunch of homework to finish. i had a YESSI meeting that I just got back from, and that + an O&M lesson took up pretty much all of my day.

I'm gonna go take a shower....maybe i'll continue this afterwords...nonsense rambling seems to help me relax.

Maybe=yes, apparently. It's earlier than I thought...anywho...

Zee YESSI meeting. It went pretty well, actually. Almost no drama or politics...it was nice to just laugh for a bit. I feel like me and Z are reaching biffle status again, but it's on and off with her. she has a lot of sh!t going on in her life, with her mother and her family and her whole situation, so I guess I can't blame her...but it's nice. I'll enjoy it while it lasts.
She's the only one-that isn't an online friend or anything-that I really tell stuff to. I mean, I tell Jalapeno quite a bit, but there's still a tiny bit I keep from him. Z's the first one who knew I was into girls, she was really the only one who I talked about crushes too. She knows who I've dated and details about everything. I told her about the crush I had on someone I'd never met in person even before we got together...and she was the first to encourage me to go for it despite the distance. Not that i was the first one to say something to said person, because I'm never the first to make a move, but yeah. Z's current relationship with E is pretty long distance...ca/Missouri. I mean, they've actually met a few times and gone out on dates, and they talk daily...via phone, Skype, whatever. Idk, I guess that's what I need in a relationship...some sort of comfortable awkward-free communication...and i'm getting way off track. Anyways, I open up to that girl for 99% of everything, so it's nice to have her back in my life...for the time being.

They served dinner at the meeting. I had a piece of pizza and a brownie...and I'm trying not to freak out over that. I feel disgusting. I hate it. I hate that i'm so self-conscious. I hate that I can't stand the fact that my nail polish is chipped, that my hair needs a dye urgently, that my eyebrows don't look perfect, that my skin will never be flawless. ...and so many other things. I can't stand girls that are so...focused on alll this. It drives me insane. When did I become this person? When did I get so self-centered and focused on appearance, when did I start caring what other people thought....and when did I get so negative and whiney? I kind of can't stand who I am right now.


Toward the end of the meeting, Z read a little story thing someone wrote. It was about this guy and girl...who fell in love. The girl took the guy to her house in some Egyptian place, so her father could give his approval and blessing for them to be wed. The guy was blind. The father refused to allow his daughter to marry someone who he believed was incapable of taking care of himself let alone her; someone who he did not believe could support her financially--someone who he thought would be more of a curse to his daughter than a blessing. The story ended with the father proclaiming this. Then z opened it up to discussion. She asked what we'd all do if we were in that situation...with a relationship, or, just with anything. I didn't really know how to answer. I don't feel like I'm enough for someone most of the time as it is, so I'd be terrified if I were ever caught in some situation like that. Not that the people I love aren't worth fighting for with tooth and nail, because they more than are, but...I don't know, sometimes I feel like just taking myself out of certain people's lives would make them a lot happier in the end...and that's probably my over-dramatic self just whining negativity again, but that's what i think...

Anyways, I wanna find this story she read. Z needs to get on Skype and send it to me. I really liked how it was told. I like how the author described the attraction the man instantly felt with the woman. Which is something else that came up when we were talking about the story... Me and Z both agreed that we get asked a lot what attracts us to a person, considering we can't see them and be drawn in by some physical trait. i like how the author described her laugh, her voice, the way she said certain things, the way he could tell she didn't feel any sort of awkwardness around him, her personality...how these things combined were more than enough to draw one in and make him fall in love. It was sweet. Y'know, until the end...

Anyhow, it's too quiet. Our entire house has no TV...it won't be working until Saturday. I don't actually watch that much TV, but I like to have it on...as like, background noise. I'm not a fan of total quiet most of the time. I'm mildly creeped out by the absolute silence right now...not gonna lie.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

It's All Begun to Fade

I'm kind of in that 'what if/if only' state of mind. I hate this. I don't like re-thinking and wishing for things that aren't going to happen...

Idk, my mother's overprotectedness in kind of starting to annoy me. I mean, i get that she worries and all, i just wish...that she'd trust me, at least a little bit. My mom feels pity for everyone, and i really can't stand it. Especially when it's directed at me. My dad's different-sure he's overprotective and all, but he doesn't do it only because of one thing...i don't know, i don't think i'm making sense.

I wish i didn't depend so heavily on my parents. I wish i could just go out, whenever. or, if not whenever, at least go out occasionally, without my parents. sometimes it's okay, spending time with them is fine, but...sometimes i'd much rather go with like, someone my own age. Like when i go to concerts, for example. i hate that the only person i can go with is my mother.
I mean, i've gone with friends...over a year ago, when a tiny bit of my social life still existed. I hate not having a single person who I can call up and say 'hey, wanna go to the concert..or to the movies'...or anywhere. The closest on-and-off friend I have is also blind, and my mother would never let us go anywhere alone, with her paranoid 'you two are incapable' ideals.

I wish i could get people at my school to see me as more than the blind kid...and i hate that i feel the need to complain about this. it feels like i'm complaining about being blind, and giving everyone a whiney feel sorry for meee story, and that's not what i'm aiming for. I just...idk, I'm frustrated that i feel like it's holding me back from having a "normal" social life, and maybe that's not true...maybe it has nothing to do with the disability. Maybe it's just me; the person. The awkward, shy, quiet, closed-off person that i show people as a first impression. I feel like i push most people away. I feel like it's my fault, and i wanna change it, and i don't know how...

I feel like i'm a different person with my online friends; well, not exactly...not different, just more...i don't know. I'm less concerned with what they think of me, i'm much more comfortable around them. I can talk freely, and not over-analyze every word I say. I'm so used to people being so awkward in front of me and always watching what they say ("Have you seen that movie? ...oh, i didn't mean to say 'see', i meant...heard."), and I get it, but i don't really...care what word choice people use. I'm pretty...hard to offend when it comes to this. Or, i get people who are iether embarrassed to be seen with me or feel sorry and just come over and say hi for that reason. and the online people have been such a nice change from that. I don't feel abnormal around them..and i like it... and again i'm going all sob story on this...ugh. but, I think all this is the reason i'm so hessitant, or feel awkward, about meeting these people. Idk, i don't like asking people where this or that is, or asking them to guide me if we're walking here or there-and that's prob what I'd have to do, and i don't want to. I don't want to seem like a burden, or put them in some awkward position or something... I don't even know if that even makes sense. And then i wonder..if i'd met any of these people in person vs. online...how many of them would i actually have a close relationship with? But i'd rather not know the answer to that...

I feel like this was just a ton of nonsense rambling. I don't even know...i'm just frustrated, with a lot of things. I don't know what to think...kust, idkidk.
I want someone to like, come and give me a hug, or make me laugh, right now.

I hate this feeling.


PS: I'm still not over you...not completely, but...I don't know. I'm confused.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Can We Just Say the Rest With No Sound

Hmm...

Contimplating.

Re-discovering new songs...

Dear You,

If I were to dedicate you a song...maybe it would be "Devil in Me", or "Electric Harmony", or maybe even "I Won't Disagree." I just don't know. You fill me with mixed emotions. If i gave out the ten million other songs that also remind me of you, it might make it even more obvious. There's a lot I could say to you; some good, and some that maybe you wouldn't want to hear and I wouldn't want to say. But honestly? I don't really see the point anymore. It's like trying to catch air or something. Like something that feels real in every way...and yet, when you reflect on all the aspects of it when you're feeling lonely, you see there's that one thing missing...and you want to look past that so much-you just want to enjoy it, but it's just not...enough? No, that sounds inaccurate, it's like...i don't really know.


Dear C

I want to dedicate "A-N-G-E-L" by Natasha Bedingfield to you...you'd know why if you ever read this. But, I was just reminded of a song that sort of reflects our relationship to a T. "Wasted" by Brandi Carlile. Of course you haven't heard it...you don't listen to that kind of music, but it's true. All of what it says, it says it better than I ever could. I haven't heard from you in a little while, not uncommon. I will always care about you, despite everything. You worry me, I wish I could help you, but we both know that isn't happening...you've tried to make me do it before, and it's so useless. I feel like the worst friend in the world for saying that. i kind of sort of slightly hope you come across this someday...

Dear girl with the hair,


"Jump Then Fall"? ..."Teardrops on my Guitar?" Hah, I don't even know. You're just...you. I care about you a lot. I also think I'm starting to like you a lot...I wish I could make that last part stop. I wonder if you've noticed yet...but i'm guessing you haven't. I mean, if you had, you would've said something, or gone away, right? It's not worth ruining our friendship over. And you're so happy with him, the least i could do is be happy for you. and I am, but sometimes...
Dear chick with the face,

Umm... It's something like "Only Fooling Myself." (Which, if I told you, would seem very very ironic...) maybe even "Superstar"...if we look at it in that way, but...yeah. I don't know why I go the extra mile and beyond to catch your attention or impress you, it won't change anything; it won't do what I want it to do. But I still do it, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Just so you know, your hugs and your laugh make my day. They shouldn't, they're not meant too, but they do.

Dear fille,

I'm kinda done with you and all your bullshit. It's the little things that really show me your true colors, and it's just not worth dealing with anymore. But I might still continue too, because I care about you too much. I can't let go of friends easily, but I definitely don't forgive easily iether. So don't go expecting a hug and a smile anytime soon.

---

Yes, another one of these...I like vague. Or maybe it's really not vague. I don't know...

I've been saying that phrase an extra-lot today. About a lot of things... About college, being ready for it, which dad has made evident that I am not. Some of what he said made me feel like he was putting me down, like i should've fought against what he was telling me, but I know he was being honest, and around here that's more than I could ask for. I appreciate his honesty, I really do, but I don't know, it just terrifies me when he tells me these things. and then it shows me how much of a mess i am, how incapable i really am... but it makes me wanna change all that. this has to be the year to do it, there's really no other way to achieve everything I want to do if I don't fix it..
We had one of those emotional or whatever family talks, by family I mean me+parents. I almost came out to him...then chickened out. I don't even know why. Maybe it wasn't the right time? It really wasn't...but when is it? Is it even worth it to tell them? What am I gaining by doing that? Maybe I shouldn't say anything... but I hate hiding things, esp from dad. His motto is that we have a completely open, honest pollicy relationship, he says I'm the only of his children he has that with...and i always feel like i'm betraying that when i hide something or lie. But...i was, idk, scared of disappointing him, or mom? Which sounds hypocritical of me to say... or, afraid of breaking down and being called weak? I couldn't tell you. I think I'm just gonna stop worrying about it for a bit...the right time has to present itself eventually.

In other news, school starts tomorrow. lame.

Friday, January 1, 2010

I Stood Here on This Same Old Ground One Year Ago

Resolutions:

1) Procrastinate less...with everything.

2) Work harder in school.
3) Go to bed at reasonable times.
4) Be more patient around people...especially family.
5) Overcome some of my super awkward shyness.
6) Work out more.
7) Learn to really be happy with life.
8) Read more books.
9) Take more roadtrips to more concerts.
10) Obtain some semblence of a social life, and enjoy the remainder of my senior year.
11) Come out to my parents. (Everyone else knows...it's not fair that they don't.)
12) Stop biting my nails...like for good.
13) Find someone to be with; someone who gets me and can put up with me...and vice versa.
14) Actually...follow through with these goals.

There's something so pointless about making plans to change on this very day...it feels so much like any other day. Hopefully the idea behind it can make me stick to my goals.

I envy the people who don't really have much to change for this new year; I strive to be like them next year. I want to make 2010 worth it.