Thursday, June 24, 2010

'Cause I'm a Gypsy

Freeeeee freeeee free, no one's stoppin' meee meeee meee
...AKA, the Brooke White song I belted out after 5th period on June 4th, when we finished our last class. Forever.

It's weird to think that I literally don't have anything that *needs* to get done as far as school goes. Most past summers, I iether took summer school to get ahead, or was in tons of summer camps, or did STEP...so I had things that needed to get done, and I couldn't just do stuff on a whim for the most part.

Right now I could decide to go out with whoever whenever, and I'd be able to do it without worrying. Not really used to that. I'm used to family plans and school, and having to balance out time for all of those.

I guess babysitting kind of counts as a responsibility, but...not really. It's not a daily thing, and half the time i just take the chipmunks wherever I go. I'm even taking the oldest one SammySam to Katelyn's show, apparently. So that's...cool, I guess. At least it's not Katy Cat, who is uncontrollable, and has apparently decided that she wants to be me when she grows up. She. is. the. cutest. thing. (And not because I'm her role model or whatever...but because she's the tiniest, sassiest little thing. She's got attitude and sarcasm down at the tender age of 4. She's gonna be a fun teenager.)

...I have nothing else to say. I just wrote two semi-crappy songs. I have George Lopez on in the background. I am impatiently waiting for the A/C to turn back on. Ali just texted me and the noise nearly scared me into an early death. Katelyn Epperly just retweeted me...and I'm gonna go die of embarrassment at the fact that she even read that tweet. I really really want a nose piercing...and a tattoo. And maybe another piercing on my ears. And some coffee, which is probably not the best idea at 12:00am.
Buenas Noches

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

There is Comfort, Sweet Release

Hey blog. How's summer been for you? Hope it hasn't been as boring as mine.
Although, not all of it has been dreadfully boring.

Last week, my parents and I drove up to San Pablo, to visit the Hattlan Center, which they really want me to attend. I was reluctant at first, but after looking at it and talking to some people, I'm warming up to the idea. I hate (HATEHATEHATEHATE) the idea of not going straight to a state college, it. drives. me. insane., but honestly, I feel like this programschoolthingplace'll help me actually be able to like, survive and know how to get things done. I hate asking for help...that's probably what's most difficult about accepting this. And I hate feeling like I'm behind my peers in some way, I've always taken pride in doing just what they did, and showing as little struggle as possible, so it seemed like it was no harder for me than it was for them. And who knows if things have been harder for me, I'm not them, I don't know what they feel.
But, the Hattlan's nice. It's so...mainstream? I don't know, it doesn't advertise being a schoolcentertypething for the blind, it's stationed amidst a normal apartment complex, and there's no way to tell the difference from student apartments and just...everyone else's apartments. It's a sink-or-swim/no-pampering kind of program, and that's the best way to learn, if you ask me. You're only screwing yourself over if you don't learn to do this or that, so that's some good motivation if I should need it. It's not like STEP (which I started a year from yesterday; craaaaaazy), where more sight=more power or whatever, I appreciate that. It's not a super ghetto apartment complex iether, it's actually pretty nice, and the apartments aren't like, miniature ant homes or anything, they're good-sized.
It definitely doesn't hurt that about half the kids there play guitar, and that I met this one girl who's a huge Paramore/Tegan and Sara fan...who also plays guitar, and who made me an awesome Italian lunch when I visited. The people seem nice enough.

Dad and I went in like the sceptics we are, and were impressed. If something can manage to impress us both, then I've gotta believe it's good. Mom's...herself. Not wanting me to go, but she's not putting up a fight, which I am very thankful for. (She's just warning me about rapists 24-7, but...) Dad's not stoked about the idea iether, but he's said many times that I need this, so he's not going to refuse it right when he's finally got me on board.

The entire visit to NorCal was surprisingly fun. Granted, we got a flat tire and spent an hour on the side of a freeway in the middle of nowhere (literally, we had no idea where we were.) It was a little frightening to have huge trucks zoom by about 5 feet from us, but it's all in the adventure. My parents spotted the crazy chicken and casino before we found the apartments (naturally), so we went and ate, and found out Mexico won 2-0, which instantly put us in a better mood. We are damn proud people. We may or may not've been waving a Mexican flag on our car. (Don't judge.)

For the record, we told everyone we came across about our country's win...because I did inherret my total lack of subtlty from them. We spent a few hours touring the center, and I hung out with guitar chick for a while. We filled out forms and signed papers, and I got put on a waiting list, and we shook tons of people's hands, and then I threw on my Lakers hat and we went in search of a decent hotel that wasn't the Motel 6.

...forty-five minutes later, we found one, which was only about 15 minutes from Hattlan. (Directionally challenged family...) Mom had every intention of napping, but it was close to 6, and I think she soon realized that sleeping was gonna be hard to come by. Dad and I were so anxious and into the game it's embarrassing. Christina's National Anthom performance was beautiful(haters back up).

I was so exhausted, that I literally slept through the whole halftime, but awoke right before the game began again. I was certain we were gonna lose...until the 4th quarter, during which dad and I couldn't sit still. i'm willing to bet mom was thinking of the best way to subtly push us out of the 3rd story window. Eleven seconds left we were still on edge. Then Los Lakers won, and we headed out for pizza and stuff to celebrate. I was bummed we couldn't be in LA for our team's win, but this was alright too. The win kind of put the cherry on a really good day. Mom and I headed to Starbucks then back to our room for a night of George Lopez, while dad (after mom practically forced him) went to a casino for a little while, then joined us.

The next morning we watched the US game (by 'we' I mean dad and I, while mom kept saying she enjoyed it, even though she was only awake for about 5 minutes of the game...). We packed up and drove home.

It was all fairly simple, but it was nice to have a day with my parents, no arguing, no nothing, I was really happy.
So I guess I know what I'm doing come whenever I get into Hattlan, but all this extra time drives me crazy. I feel like I should be doing something useful. I mean, I babysit when I'm asked, but I want to do more...work. Something. Though I do like the ability to be spontaneous right now. I could just go anywhere anytime and not really have any responsibilities...when will I ever get a chance like that again?
Summer also brought concerts. Insaaaaaanely pumped for Saturday. :) Also excited to see Katelyn (SQUEEEEEE) Epperly right before my birthday...and the fact that I get to meet her isn't half bad iether. The fact that I get to meet this season's AI top 10 then go to their show in August is pretty sweet too. And the Tegan and Sara/Paramore show in Sept isn't all that bad iether. Oh, and apparently mom and I are going to Shakira...? Okie doke. I'm down with her.

Current obsessions: Vegichips. Seriously. They. are. amazing.
Slushies. It's summer. They are cold, and sweet, and magically delicious.
"Lullaby" by Didi Benami. I tried not to like her...and then she released a beautiful song like this. Damn you. It's not that the lyrics are so profound, but there's something about a couple of lines that just triggers something in me, makes me stop and listen. "One by one, they left you more shattered, than before..." (About trying different, harsh ways to deal with pain. About each of those self-harming trials hurting you more in the end.)
"You're his baby, Let him hold you."(About letting another person hold you--not just in the physical sense, but emotionally. Letting yourself fall into their arms, trusting that you're theirs. This line hit me especially hard...it's so hard for me to really believe someone. To actually not doubt someone. It's terrifying, actually. It's probably bad and pathetic that this line makes me tear up...annnnnd probably equally pathetic that i admit this.)

This is insanely long, so I will stop writing.
"There is hope
There is peace
There is comfort;
Sweet release."

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The story goes that forever's in our hearts...

One of the worse feelings there is is helplessness. Seeing someone else hurting and not being able to fix it. Closely behind, in my opinion, is the feeling of guilt.

There are people around me that I see suffering, people that I care about. There's not a thing I can do to help, and I'm not sure they even want any help. They're entitled to that for sure, but it just sucks seeing someone you care aoub hurting...and just sitting back. It drives me insane.
Going along with that, I feel bad for being so happy. Things are wonderful right now, and I want to embrace it all I can, but I feel so guilty when I look at others...I wish I could make them look at their situations from a different standpoint, a more optimistic one, but that's not possible. *sigh*

Other than that nagging feeling, things are great. It still hasn't really hit me that I'm out of highschool...and I don't know if I want it to yet. It's frightening, it's like you're released into the world and you have to make things happen on your own.

I'll miss the tea and 'Party Tuesdays' in English, the amazing people in my French class and our combined whackiness, choir and theatre...everything about those two, gossip and ranting in journalism.

I'm going up to San Pablo on Thursday to visit the Hattlan Center for the Blind. I've accepted that i'm not gonna win against everyone that wants me to take a semester off and attend this, so I might as well get as informed as I can. On the upside, there's a community college across the street from the apartments, so I'm gonna make them let me take at least part-time classes there, because I will go insane if I just didn't study for half a year. I always said I'd never attend a community college, and I did get into some schools. but honestly there's no other way around this. Trying to embrace the idea.

I'm actually pretty excited about this roadtrip. We're touring SF on Friday, and we're going out for dinner and daddy and I are watching the game Thursday, so it looks like it'll be fun.
Today was pretty awesome, in a simple way. It consisted of jogging and good music, twitter @replies from Katelyn (Idol contestant-squeeeee iloveherrrr) Epperly, and Ashley, another AI contestant that I somehow tricked into replying to me. Made me happy. Then we had a fabulous dinner, and dad and I watched the game.
You get two opinionated people like us watching a show together and it automatically = headache for anyone else in the room.

Hope all your days were glorious as well. Happy summer 2010.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

This is My Graduation Day

It's something past 1am, and I'm sitting in front of my open window. The birds are chirping absurdly loud right outside (it is one. am. why. are. they. doing. this?), and there's a chilly breeze coming through the screen that just feels perfect. Somewhere beyond I can also hear the frogs and crickets from the creek behind our house, and the freeway not far from our street.

Other than that it's dead quiet, minus my typing fingers, snores from different family members, and the occasional crack or creak from a wall.
Everything feels so peaceful right now.

I need to go to bed soon, seeing as I have to get up in 7 or 8 hours, but I really don't want to ruin this moment.
Tomorrow(today)'s gonna be filled with rushing and primping and large groups of people and probably some arguing and drama and all that annoying stuff. I'm trying to tell myself that everything's gonna run smoothly; that the two sides of my family won't tear each other apart, and that I'll get to graduation on time and not do something stupid like, I don't know, trip onstage, or blink when they take the picture...maybe not worrying would be a start?

I can't believe school's done. I have vivid memories of kindergarten; that small wooden picnic table where I'd sit and eat my cheese-and-crackers. I remember those twins coming up to me almost every day and asking for a cracker. I remember naptime and finger painting and hanging pictures on hooks outside the class to dry. I remember mornings spent getting hair braided, cleaning glasses, drinking carrot juice, listening to 'Julio' on repeat on my brothers' walkmans, riding around the yard on my bike and trying not to get bitten by our rooster, our immense amount of chickens and hens, afternoons spent learning to read both print and braille/write braille with Mrs. Keyson(Pastel, back then), baths with those waterbabies, stuffed animal playtime, and watching Nick Junior (I loved Franklin...i think he was a turtle?)...and then I remember random things from the 12 years that brought me to here.
Watching novellas on weeknights, loving math and spending hours on it for fun, learning braille contractions(where my hatred for flashcards first began), drawing pictures, writing stories, trying to master the printed Q and G/J, dodge ball tag and capture the flag, those elementary school olympics, milk cartons and pizza sticks, Rugrats and Pokemon, barbie dolls and my Kelly collection, meeting Jalapeno, German caroling, the Santa breakfast, my first year of choir, my first singing role in a play, community theatre, Goddess Athena, trying endlessly to "misplace" my horrid lunchbox (how'd it get on the roof of that classroom? I have nooooo idea.), Isadora Quagmire, Series of Unfortunate Events, lemon heads, those Pringles with the funfacts printed on them, Michael starting mrine training, endless family turmoil, tears and naive laughs, my bunny, that frog, the starfish i had for a day, the Helen Keller speech, my first best friend turned 'enemy', Josie's turtles, Burger King after school, my first babysitting experience, the rock climbing wall at the braille olympics, horseback riding, camp Bloomfield, Outdoor School, the DARE Dance/graduation, TRL, getting my first taste of the teenage angst/depression that kept re-appearing, first Hilary Duff concert, winning radio Disney prizes, American Idol (kellykellykelly), jolly jumpers, birthday parties, pinatas, barbecues, the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, our elementary "graduation" and being suuuuper upset that mom didn't go, walking home and to school every day, countless sprained ankles, falling and scraping a knee or elbow regularly, actually wanting braces because I wanted to look more like Eliza Thornberry...
And in middle school things felt pretty much the same...there was a TONNNNN more of that teenage FML angst going on, still being a math pro, discovering a love for poetry/lyrical writing, finding it harder to "fit in", more TRL, makeup, dying hair, cutting hair super short, Meeting Krys and Ivie, having things to do on Friday nights, getting yelled at constantly at movie theaters, those old ladies that hated us, Marshals, first rock concert, Jack in the Box, discovering MySpace, my wardrobe consisting of 90% clothes with skulls on it, becoming HSM obsessed, Harry Potter obsessed too, meeting one of the Spy Kids and Raven Simone, a lot more choir and plays, learning about WICKED and RENT, watching all those 80's classic movies for the first time, Gilmore Girls love, Starbucks fraps, sleepovers, being really sad to leave Colina, Promotion, more Camp Bloomfield, hiking, smores, campfires, talent shows, dances...
And high school? Well, I documented a lot of that here....
Having to deal with a teacher i really did not like, actually starting to really dislike math (thanks, geometry), loving lyrics and poetry more and more, whacky pictures with Krys and the girls, getting kicked out of stores or theaters, midnight sleepover snacks, baking cookies for Crys's home ec class, straightening Ivie's hair, more Hil Duff shows, meeting AJ Michalka (I did not spell that correctly...) at a verizon store, pumpkin spice lattes, discovering that I was weirdly obsessed with gay rights issues, more choir, San Diego trip (Shamooooooo), festivals, theatre life, sleepovers around Christmas, no longer braiding my hair, Moose getting bigger, getting teeth pulled, getting braces taken off, opening that e-mail with "No Good" as an attachment, buying my first "Don't Look Away" copy, using that music to help me get through bullying and such, watching all previous seasons of One Tree Hill over the 07 fall, growing apart from some of my closest friends, Jalapeno moving to Louisiana, getting closer with Z, joining YESSI, "THe Outsiders", "Bean Trees", writing a paper on Mean Girls, accepting that guys weren't really my cup of tea, seeking new friends a la internet, meeting Kate at that instore on July 7 08, going to my first Kate/Veronicas/Natasha show, hearing about Twilight, staying up insanely late, horror movies, boat rides, hikes, a plethora of Kate-Amy shows, a blur of homework and performances, meeting people that have changed my life so much, piercings and long hair again, journalism, more and more and more American Idol, more and even more One Tree Hill, trying sushi, STEP...I don't know where this last list begins and ends; I feel like it's still being written, but it's really not. High school is done, and it's insane.

I don't expect anyone to read through that...it was just a sort of personal documentation kind of thing.
But if you do happen to read, disregard any spelling errors, it's uhh, past 2am now. yawn.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

It Doesn't Matter who you Are-We all Have our Scars

studystudystudystudy...it's about that time of year, when you obsessively cram for finals and have miniature mental breakdowns when you realize everything you have to cover during the two remaining days of school.
In the past hour I have, read this French lecture over and over, typed it into google translator in hopes that it would make more sense (fail, google, such fail), contemplated iether burning or shredding this entire book...in other news, I took my chemistry final today, it was surprisingly easy. Just gottan finish a unit test and turn in a lab, and I'll be done with chem forevers. We're watching a movie in English, so who knows if she'll come up with something for us to do for our final, she still wasn't sure this morning...annnnd the final's tomorrow. (Welcome to grade 12 AP english lang, where we get nothing done all year.) I have to analyze a song in Music App, and I think I'm gonna go with a cover of "Falling Slowly", only because it has all the elements I need to use for the analysis. Theatre final was basically "Curtains", so that one's out of the way. We have to choose something to sing solos of in choir...I have no idea what I'll be doing. I'll probably just wing it, kind of like I did with "Terrified" during our concert last week. I'm completely done with econ, and journalism'll be a breeze. We have two unit tests left in French...one tomorrow and one Friday. Madame O forgot to teach us most of the material for them, so we have to self-teach ourselves tonight. And I have to take the French final at some point too. Please please higher power, let me get a C in that class...I'd almost be proud of even that accomplishment.

Anywho, this was just a way for me to procrastinate and vent. I'm done now. And So You think You Can Dance is about to start, so I'm gonna go grab some coffee and watch with mama. (I MISS YOU, AMERICAN IDOOOOOOOOL. And by that I mean, I miss youuuuuu, CRYSTAL BOWERSOX AMAZING PERFORMANCES.)