It's All Begun to Fade

I'm kind of in that 'what if/if only' state of mind. I hate this. I don't like re-thinking and wishing for things that aren't going to happen...

Idk, my mother's overprotectedness in kind of starting to annoy me. I mean, i get that she worries and all, i just wish...that she'd trust me, at least a little bit. My mom feels pity for everyone, and i really can't stand it. Especially when it's directed at me. My dad's different-sure he's overprotective and all, but he doesn't do it only because of one thing...i don't know, i don't think i'm making sense.

I wish i didn't depend so heavily on my parents. I wish i could just go out, whenever. or, if not whenever, at least go out occasionally, without my parents. sometimes it's okay, spending time with them is fine, but...sometimes i'd much rather go with like, someone my own age. Like when i go to concerts, for example. i hate that the only person i can go with is my mother.
I mean, i've gone with friends...over a year ago, when a tiny bit of my social life still existed. I hate not having a single person who I can call up and say 'hey, wanna go to the concert..or to the movies'...or anywhere. The closest on-and-off friend I have is also blind, and my mother would never let us go anywhere alone, with her paranoid 'you two are incapable' ideals.

I wish i could get people at my school to see me as more than the blind kid...and i hate that i feel the need to complain about this. it feels like i'm complaining about being blind, and giving everyone a whiney feel sorry for meee story, and that's not what i'm aiming for. I just...idk, I'm frustrated that i feel like it's holding me back from having a "normal" social life, and maybe that's not true...maybe it has nothing to do with the disability. Maybe it's just me; the person. The awkward, shy, quiet, closed-off person that i show people as a first impression. I feel like i push most people away. I feel like it's my fault, and i wanna change it, and i don't know how...

I feel like i'm a different person with my online friends; well, not exactly...not different, just more...i don't know. I'm less concerned with what they think of me, i'm much more comfortable around them. I can talk freely, and not over-analyze every word I say. I'm so used to people being so awkward in front of me and always watching what they say ("Have you seen that movie? ...oh, i didn't mean to say 'see', i meant...heard."), and I get it, but i don't really...care what word choice people use. I'm pretty...hard to offend when it comes to this. Or, i get people who are iether embarrassed to be seen with me or feel sorry and just come over and say hi for that reason. and the online people have been such a nice change from that. I don't feel abnormal around them..and i like it... and again i'm going all sob story on this...ugh. but, I think all this is the reason i'm so hessitant, or feel awkward, about meeting these people. Idk, i don't like asking people where this or that is, or asking them to guide me if we're walking here or there-and that's prob what I'd have to do, and i don't want to. I don't want to seem like a burden, or put them in some awkward position or something... I don't even know if that even makes sense. And then i wonder..if i'd met any of these people in person vs. online...how many of them would i actually have a close relationship with? But i'd rather not know the answer to that...

I feel like this was just a ton of nonsense rambling. I don't even know...i'm just frustrated, with a lot of things. I don't know what to think...kust, idkidk.
I want someone to like, come and give me a hug, or make me laugh, right now.

I hate this feeling.


PS: I'm still not over you...not completely, but...I don't know. I'm confused.