Hi. It's 1:30am. I'm wide awake. This situation is a most annoying one when I have to get up early/am superduper bored/no freakin' one is still awake for me to talk (rant annoy) to.
Today was strange. It's funny how sleeping can really clear up your thoughts...make you more content with things, situations. I'm kind of over the angst whatever that took me over last night after I started thinking hardcore about relationships and what I missed and whatnot. Whatever happens happens, and I think I'll just leave it at that.
Family drama has progressed as expected, and alcohol is annoying when it mixes with my dad and moody mother. In other words, brunch tomorrow is gonna suck, assuming we even go out for it. I don't even know, and I really do try not to care. I don't enjoy negative angry people. They bring out the negative annoying fmlmylifesucksraaaaaawr side in me. I figure, the more I can avoid feeling that way, the better. (Though it does help when I wanna write a new poem or song...which reminds me of the guitar I have yet to buy. Those 300 dolars are just waiting, waiting to be spent....it's sad, really. They haven't been able to live out their mission of providing me with a new musical instrument...)
Some Disney show is on in the background(i think it's that sweetlife one where they live on the boat...?) *changes it to Fresh Prince* Ah, that's better.
I was hoping that writing out these incredibly boring things would somehow bore me into sleepiness...i think i'm more awake than before. I've been reading Glee fanfics for the past hour, I don't even...so bored.
Obsessions?
"King of Anything": which, really, has been an obsession since the day it was released. Sarah is a genious, her voice, the lyrics, everything. I love her wording, her bluntness, the way it's so humorous yet can be taken seriously...seriously, I want her writing skill.
Wicked: Which I have been inloveloveloveeee with since I was 13, when our choir sang "For Good" for a music festival. I went to one of the shows last year and it was basically one of the best things I've ever gotten to do. I need a repeat of that. (Although the fact that I'll never get to see it with the original cast still makes me sad...)
This blog is pointless, so pointless. (to publish or not to publish...hmm)
Anyways, gonna go watch this show and read more Glee and bore myself into sleep somehow. HAPPY FOURTH!
Roses are dry, violets are black
And I can be cruel, just like you
Tables have turned, can't help but laugh
Saying we're through, just like you.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
And When the World Treats you Way too Fairly
"I’m strong on the strong, not all the way through. I can’t cry in public, I don’t speak my mind, I start laughing when I want to cry, I spend most of my
days waiting for those who end up letting me go too easily. I don’t know who I am. I’m cryptic, and I read too far into things. I cry for no reason, I
get randomly sad. I protect those around me and I leave myself wide open to be hurt. I’m weak. My best friend is my iPod. I’m afraid. I’m too curious.
I can’t keep my mouth shut about things that have to do with who I like, but I can’t allow myself to say what’s really on my mind. I’m easy to hurt, and
when I trust someone enough to let them in, they hurt me more than those who I feel like would hurt me. I miss people too much, and I hate people too much,
and I also love people too much. I never trust anyone completely.
And I’m really not as great as people think I am and I’ll just end up disappointing you in the future."
...Okay, so I'm overdosing on blog posts today (tonight), but this quote appeared on my tumblr dash, and it just pinpointed the only thing that's been bugging me to a tee.
I'm happy, very happy, but...
I don't know, I feel like this undisclosed person basically wrote out how I feel on a daily basis when it comes to interacting with other people. It isn't who I want to be, but it's hard to break free from it. It's scary to let your guard down. It's scary to speak your mind and take responsibility for the aftermath. It's scary to cry and look vulnerable. It's terrifying to get attached to other people, to submerge yourself in their world, because...for me, I'malways so afraid of hurting those I care about. And yet, I feel like I do it regardless.
....I don't know, it's late. I have too much time to think.
Where's your gabbble,
Your jury?
What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me
Well sentence me to another life.
days waiting for those who end up letting me go too easily. I don’t know who I am. I’m cryptic, and I read too far into things. I cry for no reason, I
get randomly sad. I protect those around me and I leave myself wide open to be hurt. I’m weak. My best friend is my iPod. I’m afraid. I’m too curious.
I can’t keep my mouth shut about things that have to do with who I like, but I can’t allow myself to say what’s really on my mind. I’m easy to hurt, and
when I trust someone enough to let them in, they hurt me more than those who I feel like would hurt me. I miss people too much, and I hate people too much,
and I also love people too much. I never trust anyone completely.
And I’m really not as great as people think I am and I’ll just end up disappointing you in the future."
...Okay, so I'm overdosing on blog posts today (tonight), but this quote appeared on my tumblr dash, and it just pinpointed the only thing that's been bugging me to a tee.
I'm happy, very happy, but...
I don't know, I feel like this undisclosed person basically wrote out how I feel on a daily basis when it comes to interacting with other people. It isn't who I want to be, but it's hard to break free from it. It's scary to let your guard down. It's scary to speak your mind and take responsibility for the aftermath. It's scary to cry and look vulnerable. It's terrifying to get attached to other people, to submerge yourself in their world, because...for me, I'malways so afraid of hurting those I care about. And yet, I feel like I do it regardless.
....I don't know, it's late. I have too much time to think.
Where's your gabbble,
Your jury?
What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me
Well sentence me to another life.
Friday, July 2, 2010
You've got a Piece of me, And Honestly...
Hi again. *waves*
So I'm currently watching one of these ghost shows...and trying to not listen, because I'm already freaking out. Kid ghosts are just...AHHH. I swear I just heard something behind me.
...you think i'm kidding but i'm not.
Anywho, today was alright. Went to lunch with Krys, came home, watched countless videos from the AI tour, then skyped with Arielle for a few...hours. I'm so sad she's leaving for so long. She's one of the people i've grown closest too, and I'll miss that cutie. Seriously, I think we're unbiological sisters. (She's the littler one, of course.)
I ate a fudgecicle (SP?) for the first time today, and probably the last. Way too chocolatey. I need to get my nails done. They are insanely chipped.
So, you know when there's someone you were into for a long time, and then you started to get over said person...and then idk, they kind of re-entered your life, around the same time that they were in your life the previous year, and you start to miss them and stuff? No, it's just me? Cool. Mkay. I don't know if it's just nostalgia, wanting things to be like they were a year ago, or if I'd even be able to let myself fall for said person again, or if they'd even be interested...ughh i de kay. (Falling Slowly just came on iTunes and I'm not sure what it's trying to tell me, but I do not approve. And no, I'm not trying to drown out the ghost story by turning on iTunes. I am not afraid. Not at all. Not. No--omg, what was that?)
Currently trying to decide whether I want to see We are the Fallen or Katelyn this month...if I can't find someone to go to Katelyn's show with, I'll probably end up just watching WATF, which is a bummer, cause I'm dying to see curly too. I've also decided that I'm slowly becoming obsessed with Katie Stevens, who I non-subtly couldn't stand during the actual competition. Sigh. It's easy for people to win me over, i guess.
A new ghost story is starting, I'm actually gonna try to watch. Peace.
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Iether way I found out
I'm nothing without you.
So I'm currently watching one of these ghost shows...and trying to not listen, because I'm already freaking out. Kid ghosts are just...AHHH. I swear I just heard something behind me.
...you think i'm kidding but i'm not.
Anywho, today was alright. Went to lunch with Krys, came home, watched countless videos from the AI tour, then skyped with Arielle for a few...hours. I'm so sad she's leaving for so long. She's one of the people i've grown closest too, and I'll miss that cutie. Seriously, I think we're unbiological sisters. (She's the littler one, of course.)
I ate a fudgecicle (SP?) for the first time today, and probably the last. Way too chocolatey. I need to get my nails done. They are insanely chipped.
So, you know when there's someone you were into for a long time, and then you started to get over said person...and then idk, they kind of re-entered your life, around the same time that they were in your life the previous year, and you start to miss them and stuff? No, it's just me? Cool. Mkay. I don't know if it's just nostalgia, wanting things to be like they were a year ago, or if I'd even be able to let myself fall for said person again, or if they'd even be interested...ughh i de kay. (Falling Slowly just came on iTunes and I'm not sure what it's trying to tell me, but I do not approve. And no, I'm not trying to drown out the ghost story by turning on iTunes. I am not afraid. Not at all. Not. No--omg, what was that?)
Currently trying to decide whether I want to see We are the Fallen or Katelyn this month...if I can't find someone to go to Katelyn's show with, I'll probably end up just watching WATF, which is a bummer, cause I'm dying to see curly too. I've also decided that I'm slowly becoming obsessed with Katie Stevens, who I non-subtly couldn't stand during the actual competition. Sigh. It's easy for people to win me over, i guess.
A new ghost story is starting, I'm actually gonna try to watch. Peace.
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Iether way I found out
I'm nothing without you.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Don't Waste the Pretty on Pain
Hola July, where the hell did you come from?
Because seriously, like, yesterday it was December and I was in a fluffy hat and uggs that didn't come close to matching, and a few hours ago I was awaiting college letters and AI was starting and it was March, and an hour or so ago it was May and stores put out tank tops and skirts that seem to shrink in length every year, and about half an hour ago I was graduating and sun was scorching and mosquitos were out for the kill in the evenings.
...or, at least, that's how it feels. July seemed so far away...and then, BAM. June flew by in a blur of days that mixed in together all in the 'meh' department.
I'll be 18 this month--which isn't really a big deal because come on, what can you do at 18 iether than buy lottery tickets in the USA?--but still, I suppose it's something to look forward to, if only for the birthday cake...
We had a benifit concert last night for one of our choir singers who has brain cancer. It was a full house, 10 dollar donation per person+silent auction+extra donations+bake sale in the lobby, and I'm so glad that so many people came out to help out this family, despite maybe not knowing the girl personally. I used to tutor her when she was younger, and it's surreal that something like this is happening. I mean, she's doing so well right now, but something like this is so unpredictable and changes day by day, so I'm afraid to be happy right now. A neighbor recently passed away from cancer as well, and she had also been doing extremely well...one complication later, and there was nothing that could be done. I can't even process how much lives change in the blink of an eye due to diseases like this. It makes me so sad and desperate to find something, some sort of cure for them...even though I know I won't, I wish there was a way I could. I watched my grandma go from 100% to irreversable in a matter of weeks, and even though I know so many other people have been affected more deeply, and that life is not fair, I just...I don't know. Humans have so much control, and yet none at all. But I guess it all happens for a reason.
Onto a lighter topic, because it just feels wrong to be so somber when iTunes is playing "here Comes the Sun."
Umm...
I see the american Idols in 44 days. ...And I really wish I wasn't counting down for this. It's embarrassing, really, but their first show was tonight, and I've read through so many pre/post-show interviews, stalked youtube for videos, and it's hard not to be giddy.
I'm in the process of writing out some sort of opinion on the setlist for each contestant to appear on a more Idol-based tumblr post somewhere, but I haven't really gotten past writing out each person's name/song list. Hi, I'm ADD.
Didi Benami: She opened the show with something from the Rescues, which increases her cool factor by a lot. And "Terrified" isn't a surprise at all, but it's a fan favorite, so I guess it helps get them hyped up for the show...and her voice doesn't sound half bad on it iether. I do wish she'd done something acoustic, because slow songs highlight her unique voice so perfectly, but alas, the producers always want upbeat songs to kick off the night.
Andrew Garcia: ...is doing "Straight Up", who apparently everyone but me loves. Then again, I have never been a fan of his. "Sunday Morning" is equally predictable.
Katie Stevens: "Here We Go Again"....really Katie? I mean, I'm thrilled she's covering Demi, since she really needs to do something "younger", but out of all the Demi songs...she chose this? "Fighter" on the other hand, I cannot wait to hear live. Katie's no Xtina, but I'm sure she'll do it justice...
Tim Urban: His songs are...a little surprising, I guess. Not that we'll be able to hear him over the screaming tweens. Sigh. (Now, see, if Alex would have made it instead of him, I would be much more enthusiastic about it...)
Siobhan Magnus: K, first off, this girl could sing the phone book and I'd pay my 50 dollars or whatever to watch her. Secondly, her killer intro+Paint it Black+wail=perfect start to her set. I did not expect a No Doubt song, but it works. And the Muse WAS KILLER. The finishing WAILLLLLLLL on her knees (no sexual inuendo necessary) made the kids go wild. Everyone says she got the best audience response tonight. I could not be happier to be a "siobonbon".
10-6 group number: "The Climb". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...can. not. take. seriously.
Aaron: He has a good voice. Much better than I remember it. Even so, too country and dull for me. The highlight was "Walking ih Memphis."
Michael Lynche: I watched an episode of Man Vs. Food yesterday, in which the dude consumed this 5-pound grilled cheese sandwich with 14 cheeses. Big Mike's set was cheesier than that. He has a good voice, and he's rarely off-pitch, but...it's just not my thing. It's like R&B in the bedroom and at church all at once. So strange. So AI season three.
Casey James: Can I touch his hair? Please? Or, can we trade hair? His Shania cover is probably my fave of his set...but I have yet to see actual video footage. I hope the whole holding notes that sound like a bleating sheep issue has been worked on with 19 Entertainment's vocal coaches. I'm excited for him, nonetheless.
Crystal BowErSox: BRB, dying over the fact that I'll get to hear her do "Come to My Window", "Up to the Mountain", "What's Up" among other things. I just love this woman. I just wish she'd been allowed to play one of her originals, because they. are. amazing.
Casey+Michael duet: I prayed to the AI gods that they would not do it. But they did. Sigh.
(Lack of Crystal-Lee duet: RAGE)
Lee DeWyze: I did not see "The Boxer" on his setlist. Please someone tell me they forgot to put it up. I'm just not excited for Lee.
Closing group numbers: The girls showed up the guys, or maybe I just like that Kelly song more.
...i will now copy+paste that above rant and try to make it sound more intelligent, and then apologize for posting it here. Sorry. Hah.
Anywho, I'm currently trying to decide whether I want to volunteer at the local animal shelter, or an elementary school. I babysit, so maybe animals would be a nice change.
This past week has gone opposite of how I'd hoped, which sucks, but whatever. Better luck next time. New month, new start...I suppose.
Currently obsessed with...
The new McDonald's iced coffees: Because seriously, how can you be a coffee addict and not be. So. good. So so good. And yet....so bad. But still, so good. *inner-thought process every time I go to order one*
"Just Like You"--Allison Iraheta: Perfect 'I'm so over you and this heartbreak BS you put me through' song. If you know me personally, you'll understand why it hit so close to home.
The Bachelorette *mortified look* I'm trying to think of a way to justify this...I don't even know. It was on one day, I was going through AI withdrawals, so I started watching. You know those shows that you just hate so much/are just SO bad, and make you suffer from second-hand embarrassment, yet you can't look away? Yeah. For the record, Ali was my fave on the Bachelor, so I'm glad it was her as the bachelorette instead of one of the others. (Someone make me stop watching, please.) I hate the concept, yet I can't look away. Like one of those bad Youtube covers...
I'm gonna go uh, not fangirl over Crystal's performances.
Until next-pointless ramble-time, blog.
PS: Allison I's acoustic "Don't Waste the Pretty" is pretty obess-worthy in my world too. It just came up on iTunes and I was reminded of this. I don't know why I felt like posting that.
PPS: "New Moon" was way Better than "Eclipse", and Bella and Edward annoy the hell out of me. (Not the actors, the characters. I figure any Twilight fan would've given up on reading this blog somewhere before now, and therefore won't see this and come hunt me down at midnight....)
PPPS: No, nothing is spell checked. No, I do not feel like spell checking. Yes, every spelling/grammar error will drive me insane if I ever read through this...
People change
And will you still be here after today?
Trouble is, I feel like I could win or lose it all
I don't know which way to fall.
Because seriously, like, yesterday it was December and I was in a fluffy hat and uggs that didn't come close to matching, and a few hours ago I was awaiting college letters and AI was starting and it was March, and an hour or so ago it was May and stores put out tank tops and skirts that seem to shrink in length every year, and about half an hour ago I was graduating and sun was scorching and mosquitos were out for the kill in the evenings.
...or, at least, that's how it feels. July seemed so far away...and then, BAM. June flew by in a blur of days that mixed in together all in the 'meh' department.
I'll be 18 this month--which isn't really a big deal because come on, what can you do at 18 iether than buy lottery tickets in the USA?--but still, I suppose it's something to look forward to, if only for the birthday cake...
We had a benifit concert last night for one of our choir singers who has brain cancer. It was a full house, 10 dollar donation per person+silent auction+extra donations+bake sale in the lobby, and I'm so glad that so many people came out to help out this family, despite maybe not knowing the girl personally. I used to tutor her when she was younger, and it's surreal that something like this is happening. I mean, she's doing so well right now, but something like this is so unpredictable and changes day by day, so I'm afraid to be happy right now. A neighbor recently passed away from cancer as well, and she had also been doing extremely well...one complication later, and there was nothing that could be done. I can't even process how much lives change in the blink of an eye due to diseases like this. It makes me so sad and desperate to find something, some sort of cure for them...even though I know I won't, I wish there was a way I could. I watched my grandma go from 100% to irreversable in a matter of weeks, and even though I know so many other people have been affected more deeply, and that life is not fair, I just...I don't know. Humans have so much control, and yet none at all. But I guess it all happens for a reason.
Onto a lighter topic, because it just feels wrong to be so somber when iTunes is playing "here Comes the Sun."
Umm...
I see the american Idols in 44 days. ...And I really wish I wasn't counting down for this. It's embarrassing, really, but their first show was tonight, and I've read through so many pre/post-show interviews, stalked youtube for videos, and it's hard not to be giddy.
I'm in the process of writing out some sort of opinion on the setlist for each contestant to appear on a more Idol-based tumblr post somewhere, but I haven't really gotten past writing out each person's name/song list. Hi, I'm ADD.
Didi Benami: She opened the show with something from the Rescues, which increases her cool factor by a lot. And "Terrified" isn't a surprise at all, but it's a fan favorite, so I guess it helps get them hyped up for the show...and her voice doesn't sound half bad on it iether. I do wish she'd done something acoustic, because slow songs highlight her unique voice so perfectly, but alas, the producers always want upbeat songs to kick off the night.
Andrew Garcia: ...is doing "Straight Up", who apparently everyone but me loves. Then again, I have never been a fan of his. "Sunday Morning" is equally predictable.
Katie Stevens: "Here We Go Again"....really Katie? I mean, I'm thrilled she's covering Demi, since she really needs to do something "younger", but out of all the Demi songs...she chose this? "Fighter" on the other hand, I cannot wait to hear live. Katie's no Xtina, but I'm sure she'll do it justice...
Tim Urban: His songs are...a little surprising, I guess. Not that we'll be able to hear him over the screaming tweens. Sigh. (Now, see, if Alex would have made it instead of him, I would be much more enthusiastic about it...)
Siobhan Magnus: K, first off, this girl could sing the phone book and I'd pay my 50 dollars or whatever to watch her. Secondly, her killer intro+Paint it Black+wail=perfect start to her set. I did not expect a No Doubt song, but it works. And the Muse WAS KILLER. The finishing WAILLLLLLLL on her knees (no sexual inuendo necessary) made the kids go wild. Everyone says she got the best audience response tonight. I could not be happier to be a "siobonbon".
10-6 group number: "The Climb". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...can. not. take. seriously.
Aaron: He has a good voice. Much better than I remember it. Even so, too country and dull for me. The highlight was "Walking ih Memphis."
Michael Lynche: I watched an episode of Man Vs. Food yesterday, in which the dude consumed this 5-pound grilled cheese sandwich with 14 cheeses. Big Mike's set was cheesier than that. He has a good voice, and he's rarely off-pitch, but...it's just not my thing. It's like R&B in the bedroom and at church all at once. So strange. So AI season three.
Casey James: Can I touch his hair? Please? Or, can we trade hair? His Shania cover is probably my fave of his set...but I have yet to see actual video footage. I hope the whole holding notes that sound like a bleating sheep issue has been worked on with 19 Entertainment's vocal coaches. I'm excited for him, nonetheless.
Crystal BowErSox: BRB, dying over the fact that I'll get to hear her do "Come to My Window", "Up to the Mountain", "What's Up" among other things. I just love this woman. I just wish she'd been allowed to play one of her originals, because they. are. amazing.
Casey+Michael duet: I prayed to the AI gods that they would not do it. But they did. Sigh.
(Lack of Crystal-Lee duet: RAGE)
Lee DeWyze: I did not see "The Boxer" on his setlist. Please someone tell me they forgot to put it up. I'm just not excited for Lee.
Closing group numbers: The girls showed up the guys, or maybe I just like that Kelly song more.
...i will now copy+paste that above rant and try to make it sound more intelligent, and then apologize for posting it here. Sorry. Hah.
Anywho, I'm currently trying to decide whether I want to volunteer at the local animal shelter, or an elementary school. I babysit, so maybe animals would be a nice change.
This past week has gone opposite of how I'd hoped, which sucks, but whatever. Better luck next time. New month, new start...I suppose.
Currently obsessed with...
The new McDonald's iced coffees: Because seriously, how can you be a coffee addict and not be. So. good. So so good. And yet....so bad. But still, so good. *inner-thought process every time I go to order one*
"Just Like You"--Allison Iraheta: Perfect 'I'm so over you and this heartbreak BS you put me through' song. If you know me personally, you'll understand why it hit so close to home.
The Bachelorette *mortified look* I'm trying to think of a way to justify this...I don't even know. It was on one day, I was going through AI withdrawals, so I started watching. You know those shows that you just hate so much/are just SO bad, and make you suffer from second-hand embarrassment, yet you can't look away? Yeah. For the record, Ali was my fave on the Bachelor, so I'm glad it was her as the bachelorette instead of one of the others. (Someone make me stop watching, please.) I hate the concept, yet I can't look away. Like one of those bad Youtube covers...
I'm gonna go uh, not fangirl over Crystal's performances.
Until next-pointless ramble-time, blog.
PS: Allison I's acoustic "Don't Waste the Pretty" is pretty obess-worthy in my world too. It just came up on iTunes and I was reminded of this. I don't know why I felt like posting that.
PPS: "New Moon" was way Better than "Eclipse", and Bella and Edward annoy the hell out of me. (Not the actors, the characters. I figure any Twilight fan would've given up on reading this blog somewhere before now, and therefore won't see this and come hunt me down at midnight....)
PPPS: No, nothing is spell checked. No, I do not feel like spell checking. Yes, every spelling/grammar error will drive me insane if I ever read through this...
People change
And will you still be here after today?
Trouble is, I feel like I could win or lose it all
I don't know which way to fall.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
'Cause I'm a Gypsy
Freeeeee freeeee free, no one's stoppin' meee meeee meee
...AKA, the Brooke White song I belted out after 5th period on June 4th, when we finished our last class. Forever.
It's weird to think that I literally don't have anything that *needs* to get done as far as school goes. Most past summers, I iether took summer school to get ahead, or was in tons of summer camps, or did STEP...so I had things that needed to get done, and I couldn't just do stuff on a whim for the most part.
Right now I could decide to go out with whoever whenever, and I'd be able to do it without worrying. Not really used to that. I'm used to family plans and school, and having to balance out time for all of those.
I guess babysitting kind of counts as a responsibility, but...not really. It's not a daily thing, and half the time i just take the chipmunks wherever I go. I'm even taking the oldest one SammySam to Katelyn's show, apparently. So that's...cool, I guess. At least it's not Katy Cat, who is uncontrollable, and has apparently decided that she wants to be me when she grows up. She. is. the. cutest. thing. (And not because I'm her role model or whatever...but because she's the tiniest, sassiest little thing. She's got attitude and sarcasm down at the tender age of 4. She's gonna be a fun teenager.)
...I have nothing else to say. I just wrote two semi-crappy songs. I have George Lopez on in the background. I am impatiently waiting for the A/C to turn back on. Ali just texted me and the noise nearly scared me into an early death. Katelyn Epperly just retweeted me...and I'm gonna go die of embarrassment at the fact that she even read that tweet. I really really want a nose piercing...and a tattoo. And maybe another piercing on my ears. And some coffee, which is probably not the best idea at 12:00am.
Buenas Noches
...AKA, the Brooke White song I belted out after 5th period on June 4th, when we finished our last class. Forever.
It's weird to think that I literally don't have anything that *needs* to get done as far as school goes. Most past summers, I iether took summer school to get ahead, or was in tons of summer camps, or did STEP...so I had things that needed to get done, and I couldn't just do stuff on a whim for the most part.
Right now I could decide to go out with whoever whenever, and I'd be able to do it without worrying. Not really used to that. I'm used to family plans and school, and having to balance out time for all of those.
I guess babysitting kind of counts as a responsibility, but...not really. It's not a daily thing, and half the time i just take the chipmunks wherever I go. I'm even taking the oldest one SammySam to Katelyn's show, apparently. So that's...cool, I guess. At least it's not Katy Cat, who is uncontrollable, and has apparently decided that she wants to be me when she grows up. She. is. the. cutest. thing. (And not because I'm her role model or whatever...but because she's the tiniest, sassiest little thing. She's got attitude and sarcasm down at the tender age of 4. She's gonna be a fun teenager.)
...I have nothing else to say. I just wrote two semi-crappy songs. I have George Lopez on in the background. I am impatiently waiting for the A/C to turn back on. Ali just texted me and the noise nearly scared me into an early death. Katelyn Epperly just retweeted me...and I'm gonna go die of embarrassment at the fact that she even read that tweet. I really really want a nose piercing...and a tattoo. And maybe another piercing on my ears. And some coffee, which is probably not the best idea at 12:00am.
Buenas Noches
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
There is Comfort, Sweet Release
Hey blog. How's summer been for you? Hope it hasn't been as boring as mine.
Although, not all of it has been dreadfully boring.
Last week, my parents and I drove up to San Pablo, to visit the Hattlan Center, which they really want me to attend. I was reluctant at first, but after looking at it and talking to some people, I'm warming up to the idea. I hate (HATEHATEHATEHATE) the idea of not going straight to a state college, it. drives. me. insane., but honestly, I feel like this programschoolthingplace'll help me actually be able to like, survive and know how to get things done. I hate asking for help...that's probably what's most difficult about accepting this. And I hate feeling like I'm behind my peers in some way, I've always taken pride in doing just what they did, and showing as little struggle as possible, so it seemed like it was no harder for me than it was for them. And who knows if things have been harder for me, I'm not them, I don't know what they feel.
But, the Hattlan's nice. It's so...mainstream? I don't know, it doesn't advertise being a schoolcentertypething for the blind, it's stationed amidst a normal apartment complex, and there's no way to tell the difference from student apartments and just...everyone else's apartments. It's a sink-or-swim/no-pampering kind of program, and that's the best way to learn, if you ask me. You're only screwing yourself over if you don't learn to do this or that, so that's some good motivation if I should need it. It's not like STEP (which I started a year from yesterday; craaaaaazy), where more sight=more power or whatever, I appreciate that. It's not a super ghetto apartment complex iether, it's actually pretty nice, and the apartments aren't like, miniature ant homes or anything, they're good-sized.
It definitely doesn't hurt that about half the kids there play guitar, and that I met this one girl who's a huge Paramore/Tegan and Sara fan...who also plays guitar, and who made me an awesome Italian lunch when I visited. The people seem nice enough.
Dad and I went in like the sceptics we are, and were impressed. If something can manage to impress us both, then I've gotta believe it's good. Mom's...herself. Not wanting me to go, but she's not putting up a fight, which I am very thankful for. (She's just warning me about rapists 24-7, but...) Dad's not stoked about the idea iether, but he's said many times that I need this, so he's not going to refuse it right when he's finally got me on board.
The entire visit to NorCal was surprisingly fun. Granted, we got a flat tire and spent an hour on the side of a freeway in the middle of nowhere (literally, we had no idea where we were.) It was a little frightening to have huge trucks zoom by about 5 feet from us, but it's all in the adventure. My parents spotted the crazy chicken and casino before we found the apartments (naturally), so we went and ate, and found out Mexico won 2-0, which instantly put us in a better mood. We are damn proud people. We may or may not've been waving a Mexican flag on our car. (Don't judge.)
For the record, we told everyone we came across about our country's win...because I did inherret my total lack of subtlty from them. We spent a few hours touring the center, and I hung out with guitar chick for a while. We filled out forms and signed papers, and I got put on a waiting list, and we shook tons of people's hands, and then I threw on my Lakers hat and we went in search of a decent hotel that wasn't the Motel 6.
...forty-five minutes later, we found one, which was only about 15 minutes from Hattlan. (Directionally challenged family...) Mom had every intention of napping, but it was close to 6, and I think she soon realized that sleeping was gonna be hard to come by. Dad and I were so anxious and into the game it's embarrassing. Christina's National Anthom performance was beautiful(haters back up).
I was so exhausted, that I literally slept through the whole halftime, but awoke right before the game began again. I was certain we were gonna lose...until the 4th quarter, during which dad and I couldn't sit still. i'm willing to bet mom was thinking of the best way to subtly push us out of the 3rd story window. Eleven seconds left we were still on edge. Then Los Lakers won, and we headed out for pizza and stuff to celebrate. I was bummed we couldn't be in LA for our team's win, but this was alright too. The win kind of put the cherry on a really good day. Mom and I headed to Starbucks then back to our room for a night of George Lopez, while dad (after mom practically forced him) went to a casino for a little while, then joined us.
The next morning we watched the US game (by 'we' I mean dad and I, while mom kept saying she enjoyed it, even though she was only awake for about 5 minutes of the game...). We packed up and drove home.
It was all fairly simple, but it was nice to have a day with my parents, no arguing, no nothing, I was really happy.
So I guess I know what I'm doing come whenever I get into Hattlan, but all this extra time drives me crazy. I feel like I should be doing something useful. I mean, I babysit when I'm asked, but I want to do more...work. Something. Though I do like the ability to be spontaneous right now. I could just go anywhere anytime and not really have any responsibilities...when will I ever get a chance like that again?
Summer also brought concerts. Insaaaaaanely pumped for Saturday. :) Also excited to see Katelyn (SQUEEEEEE) Epperly right before my birthday...and the fact that I get to meet her isn't half bad iether. The fact that I get to meet this season's AI top 10 then go to their show in August is pretty sweet too. And the Tegan and Sara/Paramore show in Sept isn't all that bad iether. Oh, and apparently mom and I are going to Shakira...? Okie doke. I'm down with her.
Current obsessions: Vegichips. Seriously. They. are. amazing.
Slushies. It's summer. They are cold, and sweet, and magically delicious.
"Lullaby" by Didi Benami. I tried not to like her...and then she released a beautiful song like this. Damn you. It's not that the lyrics are so profound, but there's something about a couple of lines that just triggers something in me, makes me stop and listen. "One by one, they left you more shattered, than before..." (About trying different, harsh ways to deal with pain. About each of those self-harming trials hurting you more in the end.)
"You're his baby, Let him hold you."(About letting another person hold you--not just in the physical sense, but emotionally. Letting yourself fall into their arms, trusting that you're theirs. This line hit me especially hard...it's so hard for me to really believe someone. To actually not doubt someone. It's terrifying, actually. It's probably bad and pathetic that this line makes me tear up...annnnnd probably equally pathetic that i admit this.)
This is insanely long, so I will stop writing.
"There is hope
There is peace
There is comfort;
Sweet release."
Although, not all of it has been dreadfully boring.
Last week, my parents and I drove up to San Pablo, to visit the Hattlan Center, which they really want me to attend. I was reluctant at first, but after looking at it and talking to some people, I'm warming up to the idea. I hate (HATEHATEHATEHATE) the idea of not going straight to a state college, it. drives. me. insane., but honestly, I feel like this programschoolthingplace'll help me actually be able to like, survive and know how to get things done. I hate asking for help...that's probably what's most difficult about accepting this. And I hate feeling like I'm behind my peers in some way, I've always taken pride in doing just what they did, and showing as little struggle as possible, so it seemed like it was no harder for me than it was for them. And who knows if things have been harder for me, I'm not them, I don't know what they feel.
But, the Hattlan's nice. It's so...mainstream? I don't know, it doesn't advertise being a schoolcentertypething for the blind, it's stationed amidst a normal apartment complex, and there's no way to tell the difference from student apartments and just...everyone else's apartments. It's a sink-or-swim/no-pampering kind of program, and that's the best way to learn, if you ask me. You're only screwing yourself over if you don't learn to do this or that, so that's some good motivation if I should need it. It's not like STEP (which I started a year from yesterday; craaaaaazy), where more sight=more power or whatever, I appreciate that. It's not a super ghetto apartment complex iether, it's actually pretty nice, and the apartments aren't like, miniature ant homes or anything, they're good-sized.
It definitely doesn't hurt that about half the kids there play guitar, and that I met this one girl who's a huge Paramore/Tegan and Sara fan...who also plays guitar, and who made me an awesome Italian lunch when I visited. The people seem nice enough.
Dad and I went in like the sceptics we are, and were impressed. If something can manage to impress us both, then I've gotta believe it's good. Mom's...herself. Not wanting me to go, but she's not putting up a fight, which I am very thankful for. (She's just warning me about rapists 24-7, but...) Dad's not stoked about the idea iether, but he's said many times that I need this, so he's not going to refuse it right when he's finally got me on board.
The entire visit to NorCal was surprisingly fun. Granted, we got a flat tire and spent an hour on the side of a freeway in the middle of nowhere (literally, we had no idea where we were.) It was a little frightening to have huge trucks zoom by about 5 feet from us, but it's all in the adventure. My parents spotted the crazy chicken and casino before we found the apartments (naturally), so we went and ate, and found out Mexico won 2-0, which instantly put us in a better mood. We are damn proud people. We may or may not've been waving a Mexican flag on our car. (Don't judge.)
For the record, we told everyone we came across about our country's win...because I did inherret my total lack of subtlty from them. We spent a few hours touring the center, and I hung out with guitar chick for a while. We filled out forms and signed papers, and I got put on a waiting list, and we shook tons of people's hands, and then I threw on my Lakers hat and we went in search of a decent hotel that wasn't the Motel 6.
...forty-five minutes later, we found one, which was only about 15 minutes from Hattlan. (Directionally challenged family...) Mom had every intention of napping, but it was close to 6, and I think she soon realized that sleeping was gonna be hard to come by. Dad and I were so anxious and into the game it's embarrassing. Christina's National Anthom performance was beautiful(haters back up).
I was so exhausted, that I literally slept through the whole halftime, but awoke right before the game began again. I was certain we were gonna lose...until the 4th quarter, during which dad and I couldn't sit still. i'm willing to bet mom was thinking of the best way to subtly push us out of the 3rd story window. Eleven seconds left we were still on edge. Then Los Lakers won, and we headed out for pizza and stuff to celebrate. I was bummed we couldn't be in LA for our team's win, but this was alright too. The win kind of put the cherry on a really good day. Mom and I headed to Starbucks then back to our room for a night of George Lopez, while dad (after mom practically forced him) went to a casino for a little while, then joined us.
The next morning we watched the US game (by 'we' I mean dad and I, while mom kept saying she enjoyed it, even though she was only awake for about 5 minutes of the game...). We packed up and drove home.
It was all fairly simple, but it was nice to have a day with my parents, no arguing, no nothing, I was really happy.
So I guess I know what I'm doing come whenever I get into Hattlan, but all this extra time drives me crazy. I feel like I should be doing something useful. I mean, I babysit when I'm asked, but I want to do more...work. Something. Though I do like the ability to be spontaneous right now. I could just go anywhere anytime and not really have any responsibilities...when will I ever get a chance like that again?
Summer also brought concerts. Insaaaaaanely pumped for Saturday. :) Also excited to see Katelyn (SQUEEEEEE) Epperly right before my birthday...and the fact that I get to meet her isn't half bad iether. The fact that I get to meet this season's AI top 10 then go to their show in August is pretty sweet too. And the Tegan and Sara/Paramore show in Sept isn't all that bad iether. Oh, and apparently mom and I are going to Shakira...? Okie doke. I'm down with her.
Current obsessions: Vegichips. Seriously. They. are. amazing.
Slushies. It's summer. They are cold, and sweet, and magically delicious.
"Lullaby" by Didi Benami. I tried not to like her...and then she released a beautiful song like this. Damn you. It's not that the lyrics are so profound, but there's something about a couple of lines that just triggers something in me, makes me stop and listen. "One by one, they left you more shattered, than before..." (About trying different, harsh ways to deal with pain. About each of those self-harming trials hurting you more in the end.)
"You're his baby, Let him hold you."(About letting another person hold you--not just in the physical sense, but emotionally. Letting yourself fall into their arms, trusting that you're theirs. This line hit me especially hard...it's so hard for me to really believe someone. To actually not doubt someone. It's terrifying, actually. It's probably bad and pathetic that this line makes me tear up...annnnnd probably equally pathetic that i admit this.)
This is insanely long, so I will stop writing.
"There is hope
There is peace
There is comfort;
Sweet release."
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The story goes that forever's in our hearts...
One of the worse feelings there is is helplessness. Seeing someone else hurting and not being able to fix it. Closely behind, in my opinion, is the feeling of guilt.
There are people around me that I see suffering, people that I care about. There's not a thing I can do to help, and I'm not sure they even want any help. They're entitled to that for sure, but it just sucks seeing someone you care aoub hurting...and just sitting back. It drives me insane.
Going along with that, I feel bad for being so happy. Things are wonderful right now, and I want to embrace it all I can, but I feel so guilty when I look at others...I wish I could make them look at their situations from a different standpoint, a more optimistic one, but that's not possible. *sigh*
Other than that nagging feeling, things are great. It still hasn't really hit me that I'm out of highschool...and I don't know if I want it to yet. It's frightening, it's like you're released into the world and you have to make things happen on your own.
I'll miss the tea and 'Party Tuesdays' in English, the amazing people in my French class and our combined whackiness, choir and theatre...everything about those two, gossip and ranting in journalism.
I'm going up to San Pablo on Thursday to visit the Hattlan Center for the Blind. I've accepted that i'm not gonna win against everyone that wants me to take a semester off and attend this, so I might as well get as informed as I can. On the upside, there's a community college across the street from the apartments, so I'm gonna make them let me take at least part-time classes there, because I will go insane if I just didn't study for half a year. I always said I'd never attend a community college, and I did get into some schools. but honestly there's no other way around this. Trying to embrace the idea.
I'm actually pretty excited about this roadtrip. We're touring SF on Friday, and we're going out for dinner and daddy and I are watching the game Thursday, so it looks like it'll be fun.
Today was pretty awesome, in a simple way. It consisted of jogging and good music, twitter @replies from Katelyn (Idol contestant-squeeeee iloveherrrr) Epperly, and Ashley, another AI contestant that I somehow tricked into replying to me. Made me happy. Then we had a fabulous dinner, and dad and I watched the game.
You get two opinionated people like us watching a show together and it automatically = headache for anyone else in the room.
Hope all your days were glorious as well. Happy summer 2010.
There are people around me that I see suffering, people that I care about. There's not a thing I can do to help, and I'm not sure they even want any help. They're entitled to that for sure, but it just sucks seeing someone you care aoub hurting...and just sitting back. It drives me insane.
Going along with that, I feel bad for being so happy. Things are wonderful right now, and I want to embrace it all I can, but I feel so guilty when I look at others...I wish I could make them look at their situations from a different standpoint, a more optimistic one, but that's not possible. *sigh*
Other than that nagging feeling, things are great. It still hasn't really hit me that I'm out of highschool...and I don't know if I want it to yet. It's frightening, it's like you're released into the world and you have to make things happen on your own.
I'll miss the tea and 'Party Tuesdays' in English, the amazing people in my French class and our combined whackiness, choir and theatre...everything about those two, gossip and ranting in journalism.
I'm going up to San Pablo on Thursday to visit the Hattlan Center for the Blind. I've accepted that i'm not gonna win against everyone that wants me to take a semester off and attend this, so I might as well get as informed as I can. On the upside, there's a community college across the street from the apartments, so I'm gonna make them let me take at least part-time classes there, because I will go insane if I just didn't study for half a year. I always said I'd never attend a community college, and I did get into some schools. but honestly there's no other way around this. Trying to embrace the idea.
I'm actually pretty excited about this roadtrip. We're touring SF on Friday, and we're going out for dinner and daddy and I are watching the game Thursday, so it looks like it'll be fun.
Today was pretty awesome, in a simple way. It consisted of jogging and good music, twitter @replies from Katelyn (Idol contestant-squeeeee iloveherrrr) Epperly, and Ashley, another AI contestant that I somehow tricked into replying to me. Made me happy. Then we had a fabulous dinner, and dad and I watched the game.
You get two opinionated people like us watching a show together and it automatically = headache for anyone else in the room.
Hope all your days were glorious as well. Happy summer 2010.
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