‘Cause those who get to know our hearts the most, They always seem to be the ones we'll never hold

Hola,

Been a while-how’ve you been, blog-reading-peoples? Good I hope.
I don’t really know what to say, life’s been blahh. Honestly I don’t even know how to put into understandable text what’s going on within the confines of my mind at the moment. I want someone to talk to-someone to just fearlessly vent to with the reassurance that he or she will still be there when I’m done. I want someone to just say ‘it’s okay and ‘you’re not as f*cked up as you’re making yourself out to be.’ I want someone to hold and laugh with-someone to call at 2:00 in the morning when things are going completely wrong; someone who trusts me and knows they can rant endlessly and I’ll listen to every word.
I don’t know. *sigh* I’ve just been in a really lonely failure kinda mood lately. I feel completely abandoned at school, and I hate being that girl-the one with the headphones sitting on the sidelines alone at lunch and walking away from everyone in the halls. I hate being so shy and awkward and looked down upon. I hate that little things are starting to get to me again, like people’s comments, and the worry of what everyone will think of me. I hate that even just thinking about all of the stupid insignificant stuff that’s going on makes me cry. I hate that I feel like a failure as the daughter my parents wanted, the friend I haven’t been, the academics, everything. I wish I was homeschooled or something, so I wouldn’t have to deal with constant humiliation and rejection. I wish I could change so many things, and I hate this because I hate regretting things that I’ve done.
I want to be there for people that I care about-to be able to hold them and comfort them and reassure them that things'lll be okay...and I haven't done that lately. So if you're one of the people I've been pretty much seemingly blowing off...for what it's worth, sorry for letting you down. I wish I knew how to make things better for you...



I hate that I’ve become so afraid of the future. I used to know exactly what I wanted; I had the college and major worked out. But now… I want to go to so many places, I want to get away, and I’m terrified of failing and not getting accepted anywhere. Additionally, I have no idea what the hell I want to study. There are so many things that interest me, but I just don’t know. I hate when my dad asks me if I’ve decided what I want to major in yet, because I always feel like such a disappointment when I just shake my head and walk away. And to make matters more complicated, my new rehab councelor (He helppes pay for technology and books and college tuitions for the disabled…to an extent.) is doing everything in his power to talk me into starting out at a community college, and insists that there’s a good chance I won’t be able to handle going straight to a university. Maybe he’s right..who knows.

Can’t I ever just be enough for someone? I’m unbelievably flawed and I overreact and freak out and am extremely shy and laugh too much and hide my emotions all too often and obsess too much ofer things and get overly-excited, and I’m starting to hate all of that about myself.
Don't ask me what I want right now...cause I really have no idea. I'm just...IDK, frustrated?
It's rediculous, I have an unbelievably blessed life, and I manage to write out a page of complaints everytime I blog. *sigh*

Whining over…

Good things? Hm, I’m seeing Kate on November third, so that’s pretty cool. I might become secretary of CABS (California Association of Blind Students), and yes, that’s kind of a big deal in the NFB community, so I guess that’s something to be proud of. Other than the social non-existance, school’s been…bearable. My classes are relatively interesting, so that’s a plus. Now if I could just cut back on the severe procrastination…
Things at home with the fighting crap have been surprisingly calm. *knocks on wood*
I could do without my mom’s insensitive hurtful comments, but that’s a whole other story I really don’t feel like going into.
Apparently Brooke White called me ‘Daisy Duck’ (thanks Sammie for the FYI), and that made me smiley, therefore it must be blogged about. I must see her live. MUST. I must also see Colbie Caillat, Taylor Swift, Kate and Amy (Yes, again, and again and again), Angel Taylor, Kelly Clarkson, Demi Lovato, Katy Perry… There are so many people I’d lovelovelove to see…

It’s getting late, so I think I’m gonna end this. School tomorrow. Yay? Right…
Peace out blogger folks