Let the Caffeine Do the Talking

Yo,

Not much to say...
I started school, and so far so hard. English looks pretty okay, French is the same old, Chem is...blah, Stats horrifies me, Journalism excites me, lunch = ughh, and Gov is pretty awesome so far.
Getting up at 5:00? ...Not so awesome.
I'm trying to let go of so many things and just start new-start over, so let's hope it works.

******
The music is loud,
Guitars screeching, blaring
Drums pounding
Vibrations and echoes,
The cheers and
Claps,
As the lights dim
A moment of silence
A note held
As the spotlight illuminates
The petite musician,
Red guitar in hand
Microphone too.

The energy escalates,
The audience jumps, screams
Energy radiates throughout
Excitement can be felt
Bouncing off walls
Enveloping all who
Are witnessing this.

A common happening,
Yet to me
One of the most
Magical.

A musician, lyrics, melodies,
They express so much
And alter life greatly
Bring about new experiences
Emotions.
Concerts feel
Near magical with happiness.
Feeling and breathing,
It all in
Moments I’ve spent
In theaters and venues
The most memorable
--
What I am
Most thankful for

So many united
Feeling
Excited and exhilarated.
*******

...And that my friends, was a half-assed first-day-of-school English writing assignment. (Write a random free-verse poem describing you or something you enjoy. No more than four words per line, around sixty lines long, make sure none rhyme.)
And here's another...

*****



I am named
The name of
A flower
With no middle name
And “Soto”
At the end.

Mexican origin and LA-born
Spanish-speaking
Living in a town
Small dull
Town of the oaks.

I dream constantly
Of many things
And many places
Places to travel
People to meet
And things to experience.

I want to visit
Every corner of
This large world
And indulge myself in
What it all
Has to offer.

Music is my escape
For I truly believe
That it says
What can not be spoken
And conveys bluntly
Every emotion
Putting it into
Lyric and melody.

I have no
Musical talent myself
But I admire
Those who do
Because music impacts lives
Changes them,
introduces new ideas
Brings about unforgettable experiences
It heals and helps
I believe that the
Closest thing to magic
Is the feeling
One gets at
A concert;
The excitement radiating
Different people united
And together
Because of a universal love-
So many stories untold…

I am many things
Sarcastic and kind
Giggling and hopeful
Happy and shy
Thankful for everything
In my life.
Thankful for my brothers
And inspiring parents
And incredible beautiful friends.

I am not
A fan of roller coasters
Or worms or
Early mornings waking up.
I am a fan
Of acoustic songs
Moving lyrics, soulful voices
Live music, screaming crouds
New books, shiny earrings
Peace signs and rainbows
Chinese food and lemonade
Smiles and hysterical laughter
Dogs and dolphins
Cheese-its and vitamin water
Love, life, and living.

****

...I should've put more effort into these, but alass...it was 7:00 AM and well, it was 7:00 AM...

Peace out. :)

Breakdown, Turn Around, And depend on something that's more

Hello there.

So…it’s late and I’m tired, therefore I’m not putting any effort into fixing typos and spelling errors in this…so sorry if things don’t make sense or something.

I figured it was time I updated this blog thingy…so here it goes..

Hm, what can I talk to you all about today. There’s a lot I want to say, a lot of things I want to talk about in great detail…things I want people to know and things I want to get people’s opinions on, but honestly I’m not really in the mood to write them all out here. Maybe I’ll call a friend or something and deal with it that way…maybe..

I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining about anything, considering how lucky I really am. But I don’t know, there’s always something missing that my parents can’t make or buy from me, and the feeling of knowing it isn’t a pleasant one.

I suppose this is partially my fault, and my mom never fails to remind me that it’s my lack of effort that’s keeping me from being happier.
I feel like this summer was filled with new experiences, things learned, friendships established and re-established, new things discovered…new emotions felt, but I feel like it’s all slipping away with the season’s end. I’m slacking on things I should and need to get done, and I don’t have the motivation I used to have a couple of months ago…and it’s really frustrating. I’ve let people slip away-people that I really care about, and I’ve neglected family and friends that needed me at one point. I want to fix all these relationships and make things okay, but I don’t know where to begin or how to explain myself or how to deal with being pushed away…

I was looking through an old journal I used to keep, and I decided I’d share what I wrote there…because there are things I want to say to someone, but considering I don’t know who to go to, I figured this was the nnext best place…

I’m completely awayre of the fact that I’ve been more than blessed with the lack of real drama to ever happen in my life; when compared to so many people I’m extremely lucky. My mom always tells me that I don’t ever have a good excuse for crying, considering I don’t even know the meaning of the word ‘suffer,’ and I guess in a way she has a point. But still, there are things that my parents half-and-half know and don’t know… When I was little my brothers (especially the oldest) were heavily involved in gang activity, and my dad would nnever stand for it. I have tons of memories of the nightly screaming matches filled with words that scared me when I was about five or six. I remember hating my dad, because I thought he was the reason my family was always arguing and miserable. He would be the one everyone would be fighting with, therefore I reasoned that he was the cause for everyone’s anger. By now the fighting episodes only happen about once a month, but I don’t blame it solely on my dad anymore; I can see the faults in everyone in my family…I just hate all the harsh words echoing and the slamming doors and the few days afterwords during which no one talks to anyone, and I hate having to choose sides when it all happens. It probably sounds really lame and childish that it bothers me so much, I’m sure a lot of people deal with that sort of thing, but I don’t know, twelve years of it are starting to get to me.

The only friend I’ve kept from elementary school is Jose…and I think he’s the only person who really knows me inside out. By the time I was in sixth grade he was basically my only actual friend…and that continued until half of eighth grade was over, and it began again when I started high school. I’ve always been used to people’s rude comments or pitiful remarks, but having them come rfrm all directions in school really began to hurt by the start of innth grade. I spent almost two years in a almost-depresion state, where I didn’t even want to show my face in school, let alone any other public place. I began to occasionally use my nails or a razor to cut myself because I didn’t know who to talk to and I couldn’t deal with just keeping all my fucked up emotions inside.. I’ll still occasionally do that, but it isn’t something I’m proud of. By the end of my freshman year I had considered suicide more than once….worked different ways I could do it in detail. My dad believed that one’s mind is controlled by only them, so he saw everything I had going on as pure weakness, and even though I never told him anything, I knew he knew more than I’d aver admit to him…he’d always tell me not to be that weak and pathetic, and I don’t know if that lessened or strengthened what I was dealing with. I don’t necessarily agree with his ideals, but I guess I have to be thankful for the fact that he tried to help. I think that me knowing that if I didn anything stupid it’d break my mom completely, and knowing I’d miss out on potentially amazing experiences, kept me from falling fdeepr.
Believe it or not discovering a certain musician or two was the thing that pulled me out of my scnstant FML state of mind. Coming across artists with meaningful lyrics that told me I wasn’t the only gonegoing through this or that, and meeting people who could also reaate, helped so much. It all inspired me to want to change someone’s life, to want to impact in an optimistic way…in some way that they’ll remember and that’ll help them. Going to concerts and seeing and feeling the energy of it all, and meeting other people as passionate about something Is I was, it made me feel like I belonged somewhere, and like I’d miss out on so much if I gave up then-or now, for that matter. So for that I guess I owe a lot to Kate Voegele and her moving lyrics.
When I was thirteen I tried everything I could think of to look how I wanted to look, and how I thought I was supposed to look to have a better social life and all that. A few months after getting obsessed over that, I began making myself throw up after every meal. My parents eventually found out, and even though they didn’t directly prevent me from stopping it, they in a way guilted me into it…and for a while I stopped, but it started over a few months after I started ninth grade, and it still continues now.
So yeah… there’s my pathetic sob story, I apologize for this post. Ha.
Let’s see, what can I tell you about my current life. Um, I start school Thursday; bittersweet. I can’t believe I’m going to be a serior, I can’t believe that I’m gonna be applying for colleges and more scholarships…and it’s just all kind of surprising and scary and exciting and awesome and OMG all at once. My schedule isn’t the seasiest, but it’s not that bad,a nd at least it’ll give me something to do.
English, French 3, Chemistry, Statistics AP, Journalism. Econ/APS
…Yay? Lol

I get to see Amy Kuney in a little less that two weeks, so that’s the sweet silver lining… And Kate’s probably touring in the near future too, so I’m UNBELIEVABLY EXCITED for that.:)

Anyways, I’m determined to make tomorrow (today…?) a good day, despite the family turmoil. Gotta enjoy the last few hours of summer

This is waaaay too long, so I’m gonna stop here. Byeeee

I'll Belong Where I Decide

So these were yesterday’s midnight ramblings, but my Internet hates me and decided it wouldn’t let me post this until now.

I’m not looking for excuses or throwing out complaints, I’m just searching for some steady peace of mind-sometimes writing helps…
One person tells me to do one thing, and others tell me to do another. And me, I’m stuck somewhere in the middle, seeing the pros and cons of their distinct points of view, and questioning my decisions and beliefs, and wondering why one thing always affects another.
No one knows the full story, but so many people know bits and pieces. I tell select people parts of what’s going on and what went on and the past-not to be consoled, but to let it out-to say it out lowd and feel like I have someone there who cares and listens. I choose the people I open up to carefully, perhaps too carefully, considering past destroyed friendships because of too much information being revealed, or a sense of clinging to them that drove them away. I distance myself from people if I don’t know how to fix a situation, or if I’m afraid that they’re going to push me away if I stay. Most times it’s irrational, but I’m never the one to break the ice and give the still blossoming relationships another try; I’m the one terrified of what the other person is thinking, feeling. I don’t like to draw away from so many people, but I don’t like to put myself out there either. I’m usually the one who needs to be prompted to say what’s on my mind, to explain or to carry on the conversation. I’m willing to open up to some people, and if I’ve let you in before then it means that you have a good deal of my trust, but overwhelming people isn’t something I want to do again.

I feel like I’ve neglected quite a few special people lately, and I don’t have a good excuse for doing so. I’m not really sure what the purpose of the rambling is, maybe it’s my way of subconsciously explaining what’s going on…who knows.
I don’t like to lie or decorate reality to draw attention or keep the peace unless there’s no other possible solution, and even then I usually come clean within a few seconds. I’ve learned a lot about myself these past couple of months. I saw the extent of my weaknesses and accomplishments. I saw clearly how my emotions could fly and fall within a matter of a day depending on what was going on. I saw that I was capable and incapable. I learned that some people can and some people can’t be trusted, no matter how long you’ve known them.

In high school I feel like I’m outside of the crowd, away from most of the drama because I became pretty segregated from most of the students, but this summer gave me a taste of the emotional whirlwind similar to what I was missing.

At the start of the summer I went to a JBA (Junior Blind of America) program called STEP. (I just recently learned this stands for ‘Student Transision and Enrichment Program. Ha) They were an eye-opening three weeks. They weren’t by any means the most pleasant, but in a way I’m thankful I got to go. I made good friends, and good..not friends too.
There was quite a bit of drama around there; there were only twenty of us, so things travelled fast-people liked to talk. I was on the sidelines for half the drama, but eventually I somehow got thrown in it too. There were so-called kliks formed, mainly because some people just didn’t like others. This was the first place in which I was open about my sexuality-not broadcasting it, but not hiding it either. It’s not something I regret, but it showed me how harsh and closed-minded some people can be, despite of the close relationship you might’ve had with them before they found out. It’s not that I don’t understand where their beliefs and opinions come from; I do, and don’t judge them only on that, so I think they should do the same and get to know a person before forming an opinion and talking. I expected talk to arise after certain people I didn’t really get along with found out, so I can’t say I was surprised. I didn’t expect, however, there to be a sort of hierarchy of sight in this program. I expected that at a program for the blind the students would be treated equally; that they’d be allowed to learn and allowed to do the same things. This wasn’t the case. I quickly noticed that that much like in school me and one of my friends (the only fully blind students…) were the minority, so to speak. Students with more vision got more privelleges, were given more opportunities, and were expected to do more. They wouldn’t let the fully blind students even touch a knife. I wasn’t allowed to coach the other struggling students in public speaking, even though I was one of the best speakers of the class. We were expected to accomplish less, and were treated with more of a sense of pity. At home I am expected to do any household chore, and that regularly includes a stove or a knife or an oven…I’ve tutored quite a few kids in the past…and my parents have never expected me to achieve any less than any other sighted person-in fact, they usually expect more, and definitely don’t believe in the whole pity idea. Because of these reasons, we were treated like less by a couple of the other students, and it was a rather offensive experience. Still, I don’t regret going to this program. I missed my friends and home like crazy, but I also learned a few things. I didn’t learn anything new as far as computers, cooking, or public speaking (The things we were supposed to improve in) go, but I learned that I’m capable of getting around and kept together without having to really depend on other people.

…I told myself I was going to write a blog entry specifically dedicated to STEP, but it never happened…so there’s the condensed version. Yes, that’s considered condensed. There’s a lot more rushing throughout my mind, but I think the coffee’s starting to ware off, and I’m getting sleepy. Until we meet again, my blogging friends.
PS
: I apologize for the long-ness of this post/ any spelling errors…it’s 1:30 AM.

PSS: I’m also sorry if parts of this don’t really make sense, once again: it’s 1:30 AM.