Breakdown, Turn Around, And depend on something that's more

Hello there.

So…it’s late and I’m tired, therefore I’m not putting any effort into fixing typos and spelling errors in this…so sorry if things don’t make sense or something.

I figured it was time I updated this blog thingy…so here it goes..

Hm, what can I talk to you all about today. There’s a lot I want to say, a lot of things I want to talk about in great detail…things I want people to know and things I want to get people’s opinions on, but honestly I’m not really in the mood to write them all out here. Maybe I’ll call a friend or something and deal with it that way…maybe..

I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining about anything, considering how lucky I really am. But I don’t know, there’s always something missing that my parents can’t make or buy from me, and the feeling of knowing it isn’t a pleasant one.

I suppose this is partially my fault, and my mom never fails to remind me that it’s my lack of effort that’s keeping me from being happier.
I feel like this summer was filled with new experiences, things learned, friendships established and re-established, new things discovered…new emotions felt, but I feel like it’s all slipping away with the season’s end. I’m slacking on things I should and need to get done, and I don’t have the motivation I used to have a couple of months ago…and it’s really frustrating. I’ve let people slip away-people that I really care about, and I’ve neglected family and friends that needed me at one point. I want to fix all these relationships and make things okay, but I don’t know where to begin or how to explain myself or how to deal with being pushed away…

I was looking through an old journal I used to keep, and I decided I’d share what I wrote there…because there are things I want to say to someone, but considering I don’t know who to go to, I figured this was the nnext best place…

I’m completely awayre of the fact that I’ve been more than blessed with the lack of real drama to ever happen in my life; when compared to so many people I’m extremely lucky. My mom always tells me that I don’t ever have a good excuse for crying, considering I don’t even know the meaning of the word ‘suffer,’ and I guess in a way she has a point. But still, there are things that my parents half-and-half know and don’t know… When I was little my brothers (especially the oldest) were heavily involved in gang activity, and my dad would nnever stand for it. I have tons of memories of the nightly screaming matches filled with words that scared me when I was about five or six. I remember hating my dad, because I thought he was the reason my family was always arguing and miserable. He would be the one everyone would be fighting with, therefore I reasoned that he was the cause for everyone’s anger. By now the fighting episodes only happen about once a month, but I don’t blame it solely on my dad anymore; I can see the faults in everyone in my family…I just hate all the harsh words echoing and the slamming doors and the few days afterwords during which no one talks to anyone, and I hate having to choose sides when it all happens. It probably sounds really lame and childish that it bothers me so much, I’m sure a lot of people deal with that sort of thing, but I don’t know, twelve years of it are starting to get to me.

The only friend I’ve kept from elementary school is Jose…and I think he’s the only person who really knows me inside out. By the time I was in sixth grade he was basically my only actual friend…and that continued until half of eighth grade was over, and it began again when I started high school. I’ve always been used to people’s rude comments or pitiful remarks, but having them come rfrm all directions in school really began to hurt by the start of innth grade. I spent almost two years in a almost-depresion state, where I didn’t even want to show my face in school, let alone any other public place. I began to occasionally use my nails or a razor to cut myself because I didn’t know who to talk to and I couldn’t deal with just keeping all my fucked up emotions inside.. I’ll still occasionally do that, but it isn’t something I’m proud of. By the end of my freshman year I had considered suicide more than once….worked different ways I could do it in detail. My dad believed that one’s mind is controlled by only them, so he saw everything I had going on as pure weakness, and even though I never told him anything, I knew he knew more than I’d aver admit to him…he’d always tell me not to be that weak and pathetic, and I don’t know if that lessened or strengthened what I was dealing with. I don’t necessarily agree with his ideals, but I guess I have to be thankful for the fact that he tried to help. I think that me knowing that if I didn anything stupid it’d break my mom completely, and knowing I’d miss out on potentially amazing experiences, kept me from falling fdeepr.
Believe it or not discovering a certain musician or two was the thing that pulled me out of my scnstant FML state of mind. Coming across artists with meaningful lyrics that told me I wasn’t the only gonegoing through this or that, and meeting people who could also reaate, helped so much. It all inspired me to want to change someone’s life, to want to impact in an optimistic way…in some way that they’ll remember and that’ll help them. Going to concerts and seeing and feeling the energy of it all, and meeting other people as passionate about something Is I was, it made me feel like I belonged somewhere, and like I’d miss out on so much if I gave up then-or now, for that matter. So for that I guess I owe a lot to Kate Voegele and her moving lyrics.
When I was thirteen I tried everything I could think of to look how I wanted to look, and how I thought I was supposed to look to have a better social life and all that. A few months after getting obsessed over that, I began making myself throw up after every meal. My parents eventually found out, and even though they didn’t directly prevent me from stopping it, they in a way guilted me into it…and for a while I stopped, but it started over a few months after I started ninth grade, and it still continues now.
So yeah… there’s my pathetic sob story, I apologize for this post. Ha.
Let’s see, what can I tell you about my current life. Um, I start school Thursday; bittersweet. I can’t believe I’m going to be a serior, I can’t believe that I’m gonna be applying for colleges and more scholarships…and it’s just all kind of surprising and scary and exciting and awesome and OMG all at once. My schedule isn’t the seasiest, but it’s not that bad,a nd at least it’ll give me something to do.
English, French 3, Chemistry, Statistics AP, Journalism. Econ/APS
…Yay? Lol

I get to see Amy Kuney in a little less that two weeks, so that’s the sweet silver lining… And Kate’s probably touring in the near future too, so I’m UNBELIEVABLY EXCITED for that.:)

Anyways, I’m determined to make tomorrow (today…?) a good day, despite the family turmoil. Gotta enjoy the last few hours of summer

This is waaaay too long, so I’m gonna stop here. Byeeee