I'll Belong Where I Decide

So these were yesterday’s midnight ramblings, but my Internet hates me and decided it wouldn’t let me post this until now.

I’m not looking for excuses or throwing out complaints, I’m just searching for some steady peace of mind-sometimes writing helps…
One person tells me to do one thing, and others tell me to do another. And me, I’m stuck somewhere in the middle, seeing the pros and cons of their distinct points of view, and questioning my decisions and beliefs, and wondering why one thing always affects another.
No one knows the full story, but so many people know bits and pieces. I tell select people parts of what’s going on and what went on and the past-not to be consoled, but to let it out-to say it out lowd and feel like I have someone there who cares and listens. I choose the people I open up to carefully, perhaps too carefully, considering past destroyed friendships because of too much information being revealed, or a sense of clinging to them that drove them away. I distance myself from people if I don’t know how to fix a situation, or if I’m afraid that they’re going to push me away if I stay. Most times it’s irrational, but I’m never the one to break the ice and give the still blossoming relationships another try; I’m the one terrified of what the other person is thinking, feeling. I don’t like to draw away from so many people, but I don’t like to put myself out there either. I’m usually the one who needs to be prompted to say what’s on my mind, to explain or to carry on the conversation. I’m willing to open up to some people, and if I’ve let you in before then it means that you have a good deal of my trust, but overwhelming people isn’t something I want to do again.

I feel like I’ve neglected quite a few special people lately, and I don’t have a good excuse for doing so. I’m not really sure what the purpose of the rambling is, maybe it’s my way of subconsciously explaining what’s going on…who knows.
I don’t like to lie or decorate reality to draw attention or keep the peace unless there’s no other possible solution, and even then I usually come clean within a few seconds. I’ve learned a lot about myself these past couple of months. I saw the extent of my weaknesses and accomplishments. I saw clearly how my emotions could fly and fall within a matter of a day depending on what was going on. I saw that I was capable and incapable. I learned that some people can and some people can’t be trusted, no matter how long you’ve known them.

In high school I feel like I’m outside of the crowd, away from most of the drama because I became pretty segregated from most of the students, but this summer gave me a taste of the emotional whirlwind similar to what I was missing.

At the start of the summer I went to a JBA (Junior Blind of America) program called STEP. (I just recently learned this stands for ‘Student Transision and Enrichment Program. Ha) They were an eye-opening three weeks. They weren’t by any means the most pleasant, but in a way I’m thankful I got to go. I made good friends, and good..not friends too.
There was quite a bit of drama around there; there were only twenty of us, so things travelled fast-people liked to talk. I was on the sidelines for half the drama, but eventually I somehow got thrown in it too. There were so-called kliks formed, mainly because some people just didn’t like others. This was the first place in which I was open about my sexuality-not broadcasting it, but not hiding it either. It’s not something I regret, but it showed me how harsh and closed-minded some people can be, despite of the close relationship you might’ve had with them before they found out. It’s not that I don’t understand where their beliefs and opinions come from; I do, and don’t judge them only on that, so I think they should do the same and get to know a person before forming an opinion and talking. I expected talk to arise after certain people I didn’t really get along with found out, so I can’t say I was surprised. I didn’t expect, however, there to be a sort of hierarchy of sight in this program. I expected that at a program for the blind the students would be treated equally; that they’d be allowed to learn and allowed to do the same things. This wasn’t the case. I quickly noticed that that much like in school me and one of my friends (the only fully blind students…) were the minority, so to speak. Students with more vision got more privelleges, were given more opportunities, and were expected to do more. They wouldn’t let the fully blind students even touch a knife. I wasn’t allowed to coach the other struggling students in public speaking, even though I was one of the best speakers of the class. We were expected to accomplish less, and were treated with more of a sense of pity. At home I am expected to do any household chore, and that regularly includes a stove or a knife or an oven…I’ve tutored quite a few kids in the past…and my parents have never expected me to achieve any less than any other sighted person-in fact, they usually expect more, and definitely don’t believe in the whole pity idea. Because of these reasons, we were treated like less by a couple of the other students, and it was a rather offensive experience. Still, I don’t regret going to this program. I missed my friends and home like crazy, but I also learned a few things. I didn’t learn anything new as far as computers, cooking, or public speaking (The things we were supposed to improve in) go, but I learned that I’m capable of getting around and kept together without having to really depend on other people.

…I told myself I was going to write a blog entry specifically dedicated to STEP, but it never happened…so there’s the condensed version. Yes, that’s considered condensed. There’s a lot more rushing throughout my mind, but I think the coffee’s starting to ware off, and I’m getting sleepy. Until we meet again, my blogging friends.
PS
: I apologize for the long-ness of this post/ any spelling errors…it’s 1:30 AM.

PSS: I’m also sorry if parts of this don’t really make sense, once again: it’s 1:30 AM.