Do you ever sit down to write, and completely space on what you were going to say?
That’s me right now.
It’s the last day of 09. I can’t really believe that. Time has flown by at super-speed this past year…
Familia left for Mexico today, and things are once againg back to normal. I still feel like my cousin and I are worlds apart, but I guess we sort of reunited during this time. I’m gonna miss the distraction from life.
The past few days were filled with too many hysterical laughter moments, cuddling around and watching movies, consuming insane amounts of junk food. Walking endlessly, shopping for hours, taking tourist-style pictores galore…it was a lot funner than I expected.
I really don’t feel like writing about relationships right now—I just really don’t wanna start thinking about it; I don’t want to get sucked into the whirlwind right now. I want a break from it. That probably won’t happen, but for now, I’ll pretend.
2010 is upon us…I always say that I’m gonna change things every year, but this year it must happen. Some of it is gonna happen with no help from me.
I’m starting some college in half a year, I sorto of find it hard to wrap my mind around that. I’m excited and terrified. And before then, I have to actually…get into a college. Even more terrifying.
I want this year to be a memorable one. I want incredible experiences with friends I love, I want to go to more concerts, take more road trips, see new places, I want to have something to show by December 31, 2010.
--
A - Age: 17
B - Bed size: full?
C - Chore you hate: I don’t really…do any chores
D - Don’t eat: …Like what don’t I eat? …a lot of things
E - Essential start your day item:
Usually my alarm, which varies from Kate’s “Lift Me Up, “It’s Only Life”, and Amy’s “Simple things.” <3
F - Favorite board game: idk
G - Gold or Silver: Silverrrrr
H - Height: 5’1”
I - Instruments you play(ed): I used to know a tiny bit of piano..but nothing. I waaaant to learn guitar.
J - Job title: Student? Tutor on occasion?
K - Kid(s): Someday :)
L - Living arrangements: Avec Ma mere, mon père, mes deux frères Michael et Richard, mon chien Moose, trios tortugues, et deux wazeaus. In a house. Located in a town. In a state within the United States of America.
On Earth.
M - Mom’s name: Margarita
N - Nicknames: I have a few, give me another?
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Never.
P - Pet Peeve: Ignorance.
Q - Famous Movie Quote: There are a few…
~ She sits next to me in English. Last week, she asked me how to spell "orange".~
~ Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What's so great about Caesar? Hm?
Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become
okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's not what Rome is about. We should totally just STAB Caesar!~
~ You smell like a baby prostitute.~
~ She's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives.~
“Just some guy she met at the gym with Brad Pitt's face and Jesus' abs.”
“So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you.
I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.”
“Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars,
a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone.“
R -
“If you're a bird, I'm a bird”
“…but despite their differences, they had one thing in common; they were crazy about each other.”
…there’s more where that came from. Ha
R- Right or left hand? Right.
S - Sibling(s): My mom acts like my dog is my brother…
T - Time you wake up: When it is time.
U - Underwear: …yes?
V - Vegetable favorite: Mashed potatoes? Hah, umm…lettuce?
W - Ways you run late: …why am I doing this again? Umm, idk
X - X-rays you’ve had: none
Y - Yummy food you make: Ha, I don’t.
Z - Zoo favorite: Does a penguin count? Hah, umm…tigerrrrrrrrrr
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Try to Find the You That You Once had
WITH 2009 COMING TO AN END…
2009: In The Beginning
Where did you go on New Years?
Nowhere really…L.A
Did you kiss anyone on new years?
my ‘rents haha
2009: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year?: didn’t we all?
Did you dye your hair?: yupppp
Did you get your hair cut?:
Yes
Did you change your style?: my “style???” …I have a “style?”
Were you in school?: oui
Did you get good grades?: Blah
.
Did you have a job?
Hah, I wish
Did you drive?:
Rawrrrr
Did anyone close to you give birth?:
Yesterday, actually. Welcome Eliana
Did you move at all?: nope!
Did you go on any vacations?:
Tiny ones…to SF and the surrounding areas. Nowhere important.
Did you leave the country at all?:
I wishhhhhhh
2009: Your Love Life
Did you break up with anyone?:
Not really
Did you meet anyone special?:
Hmmmm… not that I can think of, but it’s def possible.
2009: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year?:
I did
Did any of your friendships end?:
They weren’t really friendships—real friendships would have been able to withstand what went down.
Did you dislike anyone?:
Can’t like everyone
Did you make any new enemies?:
I don’t establish those kinds of relationships, sorry.
Who were your closest friends?
They should know.
Did you grow apart from anyone?:
Always happens; what can ya do?
Did you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?:
Le sigh, I try not to.
Other Questions
What are you thinking about?
Umm…nothing
Would you get married if you could right now?
No? to who.
How did you feel when you woke up today? …
Sleepyyyyy. Feeling still stands.
Your crush shows up at your door what do you say?
What the hell-I mean, hi.
Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Pretty good I think
Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart?
I don’t know, I would prob try, though.
If you could change your eye color would you?
Probably.
Who did you last get into a big argument with?
A BIG argument? I honestly have no idea.
Have you ever had a big fight with a best friend? nah, i’m not a big fan of arguing.
Do you like to have long hair or short hair? Long.
Are you over the age of 25? …no…
How do you currently make your money?
My parents..fail. I. Need. A. Job.
Do you want to get married & have children one day? absolutely.
Have you kissed anyone in the last 4 hours?
Cousin and aunt
How many texts are in your inbox?
More than I care to read.
Who was your last text message from?
ALIIIIIII
Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Michael, Yanet, and aunt
When was the last time you cried really, really hard? hmmm…last month or something.
Who took your profile picture?
…
Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth?
Niether. Cry over the truth.
What’s on your bedroom floor right now?
Tables, chair, blankets, sleeping bag, stuffed animals, pillows, cables, CDs, movies, radio, sleeping bag, backpack, boxes, clothes…I have to clean, fml
Do you trust people too easily? sometimes
Have you ever cut class?
Nothing cool enough to cut class for has ever happened
Have you ever liked someone A LOT older than you? ha…how much is A LOT?
If you had a baby with the last person you texted, what would the baby’ s last name be? Ethridge…rofl
How many people are you texting?
Nobodyyyyyyyyyy
Will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
It is a possibility
What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had? wattaaaaa
This year have you ever been heartbroken?
Eiowhgfdjklbklgfsijhoetf
Did you loose anyone this year? did i LOSE anyone? depends on how you’d define “lost” …
Was this year the best one yet?
I really really want to say it was so as to not look like a negative person, but…UGHHHHH
2009: In The Beginning
Where did you go on New Years?
Nowhere really…L.A
Did you kiss anyone on new years?
my ‘rents haha
2009: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year?: didn’t we all?
Did you dye your hair?: yupppp
Did you get your hair cut?:
Yes
Did you change your style?: my “style???” …I have a “style?”
Were you in school?: oui
Did you get good grades?: Blah
.
Did you have a job?
Hah, I wish
Did you drive?:
Rawrrrr
Did anyone close to you give birth?:
Yesterday, actually. Welcome Eliana
Did you move at all?: nope!
Did you go on any vacations?:
Tiny ones…to SF and the surrounding areas. Nowhere important.
Did you leave the country at all?:
I wishhhhhhh
2009: Your Love Life
Did you break up with anyone?:
Not really
Did you meet anyone special?:
Hmmmm… not that I can think of, but it’s def possible.
2009: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year?:
I did
Did any of your friendships end?:
They weren’t really friendships—real friendships would have been able to withstand what went down.
Did you dislike anyone?:
Can’t like everyone
Did you make any new enemies?:
I don’t establish those kinds of relationships, sorry.
Who were your closest friends?
They should know.
Did you grow apart from anyone?:
Always happens; what can ya do?
Did you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?:
Le sigh, I try not to.
Other Questions
What are you thinking about?
Umm…nothing
Would you get married if you could right now?
No? to who.
How did you feel when you woke up today? …
Sleepyyyyy. Feeling still stands.
Your crush shows up at your door what do you say?
What the hell-I mean, hi.
Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Pretty good I think
Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart?
I don’t know, I would prob try, though.
If you could change your eye color would you?
Probably.
Who did you last get into a big argument with?
A BIG argument? I honestly have no idea.
Have you ever had a big fight with a best friend? nah, i’m not a big fan of arguing.
Do you like to have long hair or short hair? Long.
Are you over the age of 25? …no…
How do you currently make your money?
My parents..fail. I. Need. A. Job.
Do you want to get married & have children one day? absolutely.
Have you kissed anyone in the last 4 hours?
Cousin and aunt
How many texts are in your inbox?
More than I care to read.
Who was your last text message from?
ALIIIIIII
Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Michael, Yanet, and aunt
When was the last time you cried really, really hard? hmmm…last month or something.
Who took your profile picture?
…
Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth?
Niether. Cry over the truth.
What’s on your bedroom floor right now?
Tables, chair, blankets, sleeping bag, stuffed animals, pillows, cables, CDs, movies, radio, sleeping bag, backpack, boxes, clothes…I have to clean, fml
Do you trust people too easily? sometimes
Have you ever cut class?
Nothing cool enough to cut class for has ever happened
Have you ever liked someone A LOT older than you? ha…how much is A LOT?
If you had a baby with the last person you texted, what would the baby’ s last name be? Ethridge…rofl
How many people are you texting?
Nobodyyyyyyyyyy
Will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
It is a possibility
What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had? wattaaaaa
This year have you ever been heartbroken?
Eiowhgfdjklbklgfsijhoetf
Did you loose anyone this year? did i LOSE anyone? depends on how you’d define “lost” …
Was this year the best one yet?
I really really want to say it was so as to not look like a negative person, but…UGHHHHH
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
You and Me Could Write a Bad Romance
So I'm not gonna lie and just come out and say it: I'm jealous of you. Really jealous.
I hate being jealous of people...and I hate admitting it, because it's not really a feeling to be proud of, but what the hell...I guess writing this isn't really admitting it persay, but...
I'm jealous of a lot of things about you. I know you don't have the perfect life, and it's not fair for me to be feeling this way...but I do, and I really can't make it stop. I'm jealous of a lot of relationships you have with people...but most of all, I'm jealous of how close you are with her.
I know you're not close enough for me to really be jealous...and there's no reason for me to be, really, because you don't want what I want with her, but still...you are so much closer to her than I probably ever will, and truthfully, i just don't like it.
Sometimes I think of how great it would be to have you as a closer friend...for a variety of reasons. You are genuine and smart and a sweet person who always is there for people, but that's only part of it. It'd also give me a way to get closer to her...it's completely messed up, I know. But, I just want to feel like I stand a chance...I don't know if that would make things better or worse, but i just want to feel that. i know i'll never actually have a chance, for an assortment of reasons, but i want that illusion...
and, still..ewiojh.
Is it completely rediculous to say that i feel this way, while at the same time, i'm still not over the last person i was with...she still manages to draw me in with just one comment or text or adorable antic...and, UGHHH. i'm not over her, and i hate liking more than one person at once. This sucks, the end.
I want to be happy with how things are now, and i'm not, and i really don't like it.
I hate being jealous of people...and I hate admitting it, because it's not really a feeling to be proud of, but what the hell...I guess writing this isn't really admitting it persay, but...
I'm jealous of a lot of things about you. I know you don't have the perfect life, and it's not fair for me to be feeling this way...but I do, and I really can't make it stop. I'm jealous of a lot of relationships you have with people...but most of all, I'm jealous of how close you are with her.
I know you're not close enough for me to really be jealous...and there's no reason for me to be, really, because you don't want what I want with her, but still...you are so much closer to her than I probably ever will, and truthfully, i just don't like it.
Sometimes I think of how great it would be to have you as a closer friend...for a variety of reasons. You are genuine and smart and a sweet person who always is there for people, but that's only part of it. It'd also give me a way to get closer to her...it's completely messed up, I know. But, I just want to feel like I stand a chance...I don't know if that would make things better or worse, but i just want to feel that. i know i'll never actually have a chance, for an assortment of reasons, but i want that illusion...
and, still..ewiojh.
Is it completely rediculous to say that i feel this way, while at the same time, i'm still not over the last person i was with...she still manages to draw me in with just one comment or text or adorable antic...and, UGHHH. i'm not over her, and i hate liking more than one person at once. This sucks, the end.
I want to be happy with how things are now, and i'm not, and i really don't like it.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Jump Then Fall
I think I like tumblr-ing more...almost
They can all be short posts, and they don't have to be anything with substance...I mean, I guess that's the case here too, but, yeah...anyways...
Parents left for Vegas this matin. They left me with the two brothers and aunt and cousin. The three girls went shopping today...for hourssss. it wasn't that bad. They annoy me at times, but they make me laugh too.
I don't really know what to write right now. It's a circus of emotions. I'm so annoyed and aggrivated with a couple of people right now...like, all the little things make me just not even wanna be around them and listen to their crap. And, I feel like the third wheel or fourth wheel or whatever whenever we hang out...and I feel like they do it on purpose, so whatever. I'm not gonna beg for their friendship.
And then there's that one. I like her. i hate this. i shouldn't like it. i don't think liking girls is wrong-obviously-but, there's something about her that makes me feel like i'm violating some sort of code or something. :/ There's just something...idk.
Being around people 24-7 for the next couple of days is gonna get annoying...but what can ya do. I like being around people for the most part, but I need to be alone for a little while every day, idk, it's just a thing.
I don't know if I like daydreams. they're the magical what-ifs, and what-ifs kind of suck when they're never-s. And when they lead to so so so real-feeling dreams that you wake up from... i don't like it, but i guess it's better than nothing at all.
i'm gonna go dream some more.
They can all be short posts, and they don't have to be anything with substance...I mean, I guess that's the case here too, but, yeah...anyways...
Parents left for Vegas this matin. They left me with the two brothers and aunt and cousin. The three girls went shopping today...for hourssss. it wasn't that bad. They annoy me at times, but they make me laugh too.
I don't really know what to write right now. It's a circus of emotions. I'm so annoyed and aggrivated with a couple of people right now...like, all the little things make me just not even wanna be around them and listen to their crap. And, I feel like the third wheel or fourth wheel or whatever whenever we hang out...and I feel like they do it on purpose, so whatever. I'm not gonna beg for their friendship.
And then there's that one. I like her. i hate this. i shouldn't like it. i don't think liking girls is wrong-obviously-but, there's something about her that makes me feel like i'm violating some sort of code or something. :/ There's just something...idk.
Being around people 24-7 for the next couple of days is gonna get annoying...but what can ya do. I like being around people for the most part, but I need to be alone for a little while every day, idk, it's just a thing.
I don't know if I like daydreams. they're the magical what-ifs, and what-ifs kind of suck when they're never-s. And when they lead to so so so real-feeling dreams that you wake up from... i don't like it, but i guess it's better than nothing at all.
i'm gonna go dream some more.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
You Lift My Feet Off the Ground
I guess this is kind of how I've been feeling/trying to feel for the past week or so.
I just want to be ...happy? Content, yeah, that works better.
I wrote this when I was fifteen...right after I discovered Kate, actually. Haha.
Let me tell you about the feeling I want to have always, in the words of 15-year-old moi:
In a moment of uninterrupted bliss-when things seem to pass by with no scar to leave;
You float-you fly
You smile-not a thought for wich one should cry
Sympathy is there
For those who should be needing it
Only that-no sadness within the one person’s heart-
No particular reason to smile-to feel like you’re flying ten feet above the Earth;
Only the knollege that time is passing-that you are surviving
That someone may care; may want; may hope
That you have the privellege to experience such golden wonders-amongst such a terribly populated world;
Honored in the humblest way-
By others’ success-the times you’ve lived-the one’s still to come-the achievements of those loved dearly-those close to the heart and soul.
A reason to smile with no particular fallback
Just a smile-true; sincere; pure; honest; naive-innocent in the wisest way
Happiness for just living-
For the friend’s hand-their sweet words-the fact that they stuck around for so long-
The memorable song-the one with the catchy beat-the ballad that got you through so much-the fact that you even discovered that one song-the doors it opened.
-sometimes life itself should be reason enough to smile bright-
No, not sometimes; ALWAYS.
The past cannot be altered, but the future is a person’s to shape in the best way they know how.
Success is sweet, I am sure,
However,
Happiness is sweeter, I know.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I don’t have much to say. It’s been soo long since I’ve actually posted something-and this is pretty..low on my standards, but I’m in a good mood, thought I’d share. Smiling is the best-laughter is my drug. Music is my lifeline. Friends are hard to find at the time-but I’ve come to accept the opinions and views, and just hope for the future. Life is for living. That is all.
PEACE OUT.
xoxo
I just want to be ...happy? Content, yeah, that works better.
I wrote this when I was fifteen...right after I discovered Kate, actually. Haha.
Let me tell you about the feeling I want to have always, in the words of 15-year-old moi:
In a moment of uninterrupted bliss-when things seem to pass by with no scar to leave;
You float-you fly
You smile-not a thought for wich one should cry
Sympathy is there
For those who should be needing it
Only that-no sadness within the one person’s heart-
No particular reason to smile-to feel like you’re flying ten feet above the Earth;
Only the knollege that time is passing-that you are surviving
That someone may care; may want; may hope
That you have the privellege to experience such golden wonders-amongst such a terribly populated world;
Honored in the humblest way-
By others’ success-the times you’ve lived-the one’s still to come-the achievements of those loved dearly-those close to the heart and soul.
A reason to smile with no particular fallback
Just a smile-true; sincere; pure; honest; naive-innocent in the wisest way
Happiness for just living-
For the friend’s hand-their sweet words-the fact that they stuck around for so long-
The memorable song-the one with the catchy beat-the ballad that got you through so much-the fact that you even discovered that one song-the doors it opened.
-sometimes life itself should be reason enough to smile bright-
No, not sometimes; ALWAYS.
The past cannot be altered, but the future is a person’s to shape in the best way they know how.
Success is sweet, I am sure,
However,
Happiness is sweeter, I know.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I don’t have much to say. It’s been soo long since I’ve actually posted something-and this is pretty..low on my standards, but I’m in a good mood, thought I’d share. Smiling is the best-laughter is my drug. Music is my lifeline. Friends are hard to find at the time-but I’ve come to accept the opinions and views, and just hope for the future. Life is for living. That is all.
PEACE OUT.
xoxo
It's a Roller Coaster Kind of Rush, and I Never knew I Could Feel That Much
DISCLAIMOR: All spelling/grammar mistakes...feel free to look past and ignore. I'm less than half awake
Hey lookie, christmas is officially over
Sad. face.
Annnd, i'm over it(sort of). I have like twenty mini-blogs in my head, and I feel so blah about writing them out. I'm sleepy, but i can't fall asleep.
Christmas was good-like, really really good. Ah, I loved christmas eve so much. I don't care how overly-commercialized and cheesey this holiday may seem to some, I will never look at it as such.
I mean, in a way it is. It is when you base it around buying the most expensive gifts, around want...but, as much as my mom and i may waste on Christmas decorations, foods, and gifts, I genuinely believe that we still hold true to one of the principles of the day.
We always decorate together...we spend far to much time on it, but it's such a wonderful bonding experience. And we bake together on Christmas Eve. There are so many little moments within that that I will never forget. There's something so happy about spending drama-free time with my mom, doing something we both love. If one of us did all of it on her own, it honestly wouldn't be half as special.
On Christmas eve, we watched that new chipmunk movie in the morning. it was really cute. Then dad and I braved Best Buy and the grocery store for last-min gifts/cooking stuff mom had forgotten.
We hunted the city for the last three Home Alone DVDs...total fail. Really T.O, really?
I don't really spend that much time alone with dad, and every time we go out alone it's just...nice. We have nice deep talks and we have similar bitterly-overly sarcastic senses of humor, and we view a lot of the things around us in the same ways and have a lot of the same ideals...so I really cherrish those moments. And he's completely honest with me. I love my mom, but I don't get that from her a lot of the time, so it's really nice sometimes.
Anyhow, we came back home, and mom and I went about cooking posole, turkey, rice, cake, cookies...yummy stuff. After everything was simmering to perfect yummminess, we put on The Santa Clause and built an epic gingerbread house.
I got a christmas card, and ended up covered in glitter.
Fun fact: wanna make my week? Sned me a christmas card, or basically anything via mail. I squeal and get all giddy...haha.
After building the house, we sat around and watched Christmas With the Cranks and Santa Clause II
By then the food was ready. Our brothers came out, and we all toasted. It was kind of a christmas dinner/early 30-year anniversary toast to my parents. Dad served wine all-round, which surprised me, because Moose and I got glasses of it too. (and now hell may freeze over...)
We ate, watched Santa Clause III, made hot chocolate, and watched Elf. We always stay up until midnight and open gifts then.
Before we opened them, we watched part of the midnight mass in Rome with the Pope (I know it probably has a more propper name...but i'm horrible and don't know it)
Then, we gathered around the tree...all five plus dog. We passed around gifts, and excitedly told one another what their gifts did/what they were for/...idk. It's the one time a year my family's all together for more than ten minutes without fighting, and I just love that feeling so much, words can't even explain. I love seeing everyone happy and smiling and...I hate that it comes around so rarely, but, i will enjoy it nonetheless. We took way too many pictures, and laughed more than usual...which is really sying something for my dad and I who laugh a anything. Hah
I got so many things. And I wasn't expecting it nor did I deserve it. I'm always so awkward when it comes to getting gifts...I like it, it's sweet and nice, but, I hate accepting things. I have so so so much more than I need, and I hate asking for things and letting others pay for them, I get so awkward and feel like an ungrateful person, even if it's a gift. And, the gifts I gave this year weren't all that great, which I know isn't the point, but...I just felt bad. Idk. I wish I could've given more than I recieved.
I don't know, the day doesn't seem so magical when I write it out, but it really was. I was genuinely smiling and giddy all day. I felt like a little kid again; like that little girl that would fall asleep on the barbie blanket, waiting for Santa and his reindeer to come. I haven't had such a wonderful Christmas since those days. And it wasn't the gifts, or the delicious food...I would've been fine with takeout and stockings filled with gum and a card. It was just that unity and feeling of happiness with my family...I wish things could be like that more often. Why do we only embrace and say 'I love you' and do nice things for each other around this time? I don't like that...it should be an always deal.
I want to be that change; the do things and expect nothing year-round change. I don't quite no how yet...but it would make me feel so complete and accomplished.
Anyways, my life? Good, I guess? Confusing? ...Yeah...confusing.
I'm sort of...single? I guess? Actually, I don't know? Yes? No? One or the other...I miss her, I really do, but i don't know, i guess i missed her even when we were still together for the last stretch...we just talked so little and i felt so disconnected, and I really didn't like it. I like to hear from someone daily-especially if that person's on my mind a lot. I know it's kind of my fault, being basically impossible to talk to and all, but yeah... I still care about her as much as I did before; I still find her adorable and sweet, and she makes me feel beautiful and and I'm comfortable around her...and it's really nice to know that there's someone who has genuine feelings for you, and moreso when you feel the same about them, but idk...the distance makes it annoyingly hard...
We'll see what happens, i guess?
But
There's this other person...and I don't know anymore. I don't know if I'm reading too much into our close friendship, or if I'm actually starting to look at her in a different way. She makes me smile and I feel pretty comfortalbe about her. I like that i can text or say random shit to her at any time and not worry that she'll laugh at me. She makes me laugh, but...Who knows. Chick confuses me...and I absolutely refuse to talk to her about this little...um, development...not happening.
And there's unrequited love for the ages...that person I think I'll always care about and dream of, but i know it's not happening now...or ever.
What's with all this relationship confusion? What happened to the simple days of worrying about having the best fruit snacks during snacktime--can I go back there for a bit, s'il vous plait?
Aunt and cousin are coming tomorrow...from mexico. My cousin and I used to be best friends...but now, IDK, we're cool, I guess, but we don't really...know each other anymore. She came for thanksgiving. I was gonna come out to her then...but then certain comments were made, and...it just didn't happen.
I'm cold, and falling asleep. I'm gonna go hunt down zee snuggie...shut up
Hope you all had wonderful Christmases.
Hey lookie, christmas is officially over
Sad. face.
Annnd, i'm over it(sort of). I have like twenty mini-blogs in my head, and I feel so blah about writing them out. I'm sleepy, but i can't fall asleep.
Christmas was good-like, really really good. Ah, I loved christmas eve so much. I don't care how overly-commercialized and cheesey this holiday may seem to some, I will never look at it as such.
I mean, in a way it is. It is when you base it around buying the most expensive gifts, around want...but, as much as my mom and i may waste on Christmas decorations, foods, and gifts, I genuinely believe that we still hold true to one of the principles of the day.
We always decorate together...we spend far to much time on it, but it's such a wonderful bonding experience. And we bake together on Christmas Eve. There are so many little moments within that that I will never forget. There's something so happy about spending drama-free time with my mom, doing something we both love. If one of us did all of it on her own, it honestly wouldn't be half as special.
On Christmas eve, we watched that new chipmunk movie in the morning. it was really cute. Then dad and I braved Best Buy and the grocery store for last-min gifts/cooking stuff mom had forgotten.
We hunted the city for the last three Home Alone DVDs...total fail. Really T.O, really?
I don't really spend that much time alone with dad, and every time we go out alone it's just...nice. We have nice deep talks and we have similar bitterly-overly sarcastic senses of humor, and we view a lot of the things around us in the same ways and have a lot of the same ideals...so I really cherrish those moments. And he's completely honest with me. I love my mom, but I don't get that from her a lot of the time, so it's really nice sometimes.
Anyhow, we came back home, and mom and I went about cooking posole, turkey, rice, cake, cookies...yummy stuff. After everything was simmering to perfect yummminess, we put on The Santa Clause and built an epic gingerbread house.
I got a christmas card, and ended up covered in glitter.
Fun fact: wanna make my week? Sned me a christmas card, or basically anything via mail. I squeal and get all giddy...haha.
After building the house, we sat around and watched Christmas With the Cranks and Santa Clause II
By then the food was ready. Our brothers came out, and we all toasted. It was kind of a christmas dinner/early 30-year anniversary toast to my parents. Dad served wine all-round, which surprised me, because Moose and I got glasses of it too. (and now hell may freeze over...)
We ate, watched Santa Clause III, made hot chocolate, and watched Elf. We always stay up until midnight and open gifts then.
Before we opened them, we watched part of the midnight mass in Rome with the Pope (I know it probably has a more propper name...but i'm horrible and don't know it)
Then, we gathered around the tree...all five plus dog. We passed around gifts, and excitedly told one another what their gifts did/what they were for/...idk. It's the one time a year my family's all together for more than ten minutes without fighting, and I just love that feeling so much, words can't even explain. I love seeing everyone happy and smiling and...I hate that it comes around so rarely, but, i will enjoy it nonetheless. We took way too many pictures, and laughed more than usual...which is really sying something for my dad and I who laugh a anything. Hah
I got so many things. And I wasn't expecting it nor did I deserve it. I'm always so awkward when it comes to getting gifts...I like it, it's sweet and nice, but, I hate accepting things. I have so so so much more than I need, and I hate asking for things and letting others pay for them, I get so awkward and feel like an ungrateful person, even if it's a gift. And, the gifts I gave this year weren't all that great, which I know isn't the point, but...I just felt bad. Idk. I wish I could've given more than I recieved.
I don't know, the day doesn't seem so magical when I write it out, but it really was. I was genuinely smiling and giddy all day. I felt like a little kid again; like that little girl that would fall asleep on the barbie blanket, waiting for Santa and his reindeer to come. I haven't had such a wonderful Christmas since those days. And it wasn't the gifts, or the delicious food...I would've been fine with takeout and stockings filled with gum and a card. It was just that unity and feeling of happiness with my family...I wish things could be like that more often. Why do we only embrace and say 'I love you' and do nice things for each other around this time? I don't like that...it should be an always deal.
I want to be that change; the do things and expect nothing year-round change. I don't quite no how yet...but it would make me feel so complete and accomplished.
Anyways, my life? Good, I guess? Confusing? ...Yeah...confusing.
I'm sort of...single? I guess? Actually, I don't know? Yes? No? One or the other...I miss her, I really do, but i don't know, i guess i missed her even when we were still together for the last stretch...we just talked so little and i felt so disconnected, and I really didn't like it. I like to hear from someone daily-especially if that person's on my mind a lot. I know it's kind of my fault, being basically impossible to talk to and all, but yeah... I still care about her as much as I did before; I still find her adorable and sweet, and she makes me feel beautiful and and I'm comfortable around her...and it's really nice to know that there's someone who has genuine feelings for you, and moreso when you feel the same about them, but idk...the distance makes it annoyingly hard...
We'll see what happens, i guess?
But
There's this other person...and I don't know anymore. I don't know if I'm reading too much into our close friendship, or if I'm actually starting to look at her in a different way. She makes me smile and I feel pretty comfortalbe about her. I like that i can text or say random shit to her at any time and not worry that she'll laugh at me. She makes me laugh, but...Who knows. Chick confuses me...and I absolutely refuse to talk to her about this little...um, development...not happening.
And there's unrequited love for the ages...that person I think I'll always care about and dream of, but i know it's not happening now...or ever.
What's with all this relationship confusion? What happened to the simple days of worrying about having the best fruit snacks during snacktime--can I go back there for a bit, s'il vous plait?
Aunt and cousin are coming tomorrow...from mexico. My cousin and I used to be best friends...but now, IDK, we're cool, I guess, but we don't really...know each other anymore. She came for thanksgiving. I was gonna come out to her then...but then certain comments were made, and...it just didn't happen.
I'm cold, and falling asleep. I'm gonna go hunt down zee snuggie...shut up
Hope you all had wonderful Christmases.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
To Ten Million Fireflies...
Dear Anon. un:
You frustrate me like no one else. You make me want to tear my hair out 90% of the time...and more often than not I really don't want to be around you. And I kind of don't have a good reason for feeling like this...it's just the way it is. And I refuse to lash out at you-I refuse to break in front of you again. And I shouldn't have to, you shouldn't bother me as much as you do.
Because...
that other 10% of the time?
You make me feel glorious and do everything and more for me. And then you make one comment without thinking and it starts to fall apart again. I don't know how to make myself stop caring about those little comments...I don't know if you even know they affect me. Maybe some day I'll tell you.
<3
Anon Deux:
*sigh*
...That alone should be able to describe our relationship...it's never been a wordy one at that. I never really understood what having someone under a spell felt like until I met you. There are soooo many things I don't like about you, but I'd do anything if you asked me too. Just don't ask me for anything anymore.
<3
Dear Anon. Trois:
When we were eleven mom said we were the perfect future couple. She pickedout our wedding dress. I called you and we laughed about it for hours. And then I started to wonder...if maybe I wanted that same thing. The husband and the 2.5 kids and the dog and white picket fence. I didn't, but I tried to talk myself into it. It seemed so natural...people seemed so happy with that life. I'm pretty sure I had a pretty good-sized crush on you somewhere in my thirteenth year of life, but I don't think/want that feeling to ever come back. You're the only one I feel completely comfortable around, but I will never be able to look at you in a romantic light-I hope this feeling goes both ways. Sometimes I wish I could, though...it might make things a lot easier. But nah...
<3
Dear Anon. Quatre:
I don't get you. I really don't What the hell?
You're basically everything I hate with some good thrown in there somewhere...and you're like, one of my closest friends. And I'd be there for you even if I knew you were wrong and even if I didn't agree with what you were doing, which happens all-too-often. I hate your negativity, but I love you. I guess friendship really does see past all faults..
<3
Dear Anon. Cinq:
Just kiss me, please? So I can see that it's not so amazing-so I can stop thinking about how amazing we would be together. I just want a chance at winning over your heart, and I know it's never gonna happen. I can't put it into words, I just...I just want you. Any part of you, it's better than what I've always had of you: nothing. C'est la vie, I guess.
<3
Dear Anon. Six:
Stop confusing me. Stop giving me reasons to like you in a way I probably shouldn't. You're everything I look for...you're not my first choice, to be perfectly blunt, but you're everything i look for. You are what I envision in a person I want to be with. And...I don't know. Am I reading too much into our friendship? Is this little schoolgirl crush thing way out of line?
<3
Dear Anon. Sept:
i hate to say it, but I miss you. A lot. I miss past Christmas holidays spent staying up until dawn, playing 'Acoustic Hearts of Winter', looking at crushes' Myspace profiles, drinking cold coffee, eating pizza and Christmas cookies, talking about everrrrrrrrything. Shopping at the Oaks for each others gifts, and walking around aimlessly to pass the time. Stalking up on candy and catching a movie at the Jans, before hitting Dream Coffee or Starbucks and then mi house. I want to blame you for the falling appart of our friendship, but I can't, not fully anyways. I mean, maybe you deserve some of the blame, but I must've done something too. I don't know what it was, but if I could change it, I would.
xoxo
You frustrate me like no one else. You make me want to tear my hair out 90% of the time...and more often than not I really don't want to be around you. And I kind of don't have a good reason for feeling like this...it's just the way it is. And I refuse to lash out at you-I refuse to break in front of you again. And I shouldn't have to, you shouldn't bother me as much as you do.
Because...
that other 10% of the time?
You make me feel glorious and do everything and more for me. And then you make one comment without thinking and it starts to fall apart again. I don't know how to make myself stop caring about those little comments...I don't know if you even know they affect me. Maybe some day I'll tell you.
<3
Anon Deux:
*sigh*
...That alone should be able to describe our relationship...it's never been a wordy one at that. I never really understood what having someone under a spell felt like until I met you. There are soooo many things I don't like about you, but I'd do anything if you asked me too. Just don't ask me for anything anymore.
<3
Dear Anon. Trois:
When we were eleven mom said we were the perfect future couple. She pickedout our wedding dress. I called you and we laughed about it for hours. And then I started to wonder...if maybe I wanted that same thing. The husband and the 2.5 kids and the dog and white picket fence. I didn't, but I tried to talk myself into it. It seemed so natural...people seemed so happy with that life. I'm pretty sure I had a pretty good-sized crush on you somewhere in my thirteenth year of life, but I don't think/want that feeling to ever come back. You're the only one I feel completely comfortable around, but I will never be able to look at you in a romantic light-I hope this feeling goes both ways. Sometimes I wish I could, though...it might make things a lot easier. But nah...
<3
Dear Anon. Quatre:
I don't get you. I really don't What the hell?
You're basically everything I hate with some good thrown in there somewhere...and you're like, one of my closest friends. And I'd be there for you even if I knew you were wrong and even if I didn't agree with what you were doing, which happens all-too-often. I hate your negativity, but I love you. I guess friendship really does see past all faults..
<3
Dear Anon. Cinq:
Just kiss me, please? So I can see that it's not so amazing-so I can stop thinking about how amazing we would be together. I just want a chance at winning over your heart, and I know it's never gonna happen. I can't put it into words, I just...I just want you. Any part of you, it's better than what I've always had of you: nothing. C'est la vie, I guess.
<3
Dear Anon. Six:
Stop confusing me. Stop giving me reasons to like you in a way I probably shouldn't. You're everything I look for...you're not my first choice, to be perfectly blunt, but you're everything i look for. You are what I envision in a person I want to be with. And...I don't know. Am I reading too much into our friendship? Is this little schoolgirl crush thing way out of line?
<3
Dear Anon. Sept:
i hate to say it, but I miss you. A lot. I miss past Christmas holidays spent staying up until dawn, playing 'Acoustic Hearts of Winter', looking at crushes' Myspace profiles, drinking cold coffee, eating pizza and Christmas cookies, talking about everrrrrrrrything. Shopping at the Oaks for each others gifts, and walking around aimlessly to pass the time. Stalking up on candy and catching a movie at the Jans, before hitting Dream Coffee or Starbucks and then mi house. I want to blame you for the falling appart of our friendship, but I can't, not fully anyways. I mean, maybe you deserve some of the blame, but I must've done something too. I don't know what it was, but if I could change it, I would.
xoxo
Monday, December 21, 2009
Hear Them Sing
then I had an amazing dream and it seemed so real. I honestly thought it was real. That’s been
happening more and more lately (whenever I get sleep). By “that” I mean that I’ll have a good dream and it will seem so realistic and then I’ll wake up
and feel confused and sad. Don’t you hate those?
They’re the dreams that leave you with a smile on your face while your head is in the clouds, but a frown on your face when you drop back down to earth.
Le sigh.
...I don't know. I've got it bad. Daydreaming doesn't seem to be the limit nowadays-you enter my mind in dreamland all too often. And it's not an out-of-the-ordinary dream...it's all so natural and reachable and chill...until something wakes me up. I wish people knew when they were having a dream, so they'd enjoy it to the fullest, instead of just thinking they had all the time in the world to do so.
Person un needs to get out of my head now. Like, right now. I need to get over the never happening. But it would be so wonderful if it could, so so wonderful. Or so I think... I guess you really never know until you take the plunge, and that's most likely never gonna happen. i think it's time to take my head out of the clouds and accept that.
And person deux? God, you confuse me. I don't know...it might just be that I'm reading a little too much into our friendship. I really hope that's the case, because I know you, and I know we could never have more than a friendship. I also know I'd never tell you my feelings. IDK, there's just something about you that entices and draws me in...
Grrr.
Dear self,
Stop falling for people you can't have. Come back to reality before you find some way to humiliate yourself or screw your relationships over.
Love,
Your Common Sense
In other newsssssss
Today was fabulous.
Sleeping in. The attack of the holiday candyyy. Decorating, making, wrapping gifts. Home Alone. Cookies. It was just one of those family holiday days. I feel so blessed right now. There are few things that could put a bigger smile on my face, but I'm more than satisfied with the one imprinted on it right now.
And I revived my Tumblr last night. Made me feel all smart-like that I actually figured out how to do sh!t to it. wooo
happening more and more lately (whenever I get sleep). By “that” I mean that I’ll have a good dream and it will seem so realistic and then I’ll wake up
and feel confused and sad. Don’t you hate those?
They’re the dreams that leave you with a smile on your face while your head is in the clouds, but a frown on your face when you drop back down to earth.
Le sigh.
...I don't know. I've got it bad. Daydreaming doesn't seem to be the limit nowadays-you enter my mind in dreamland all too often. And it's not an out-of-the-ordinary dream...it's all so natural and reachable and chill...until something wakes me up. I wish people knew when they were having a dream, so they'd enjoy it to the fullest, instead of just thinking they had all the time in the world to do so.
Person un needs to get out of my head now. Like, right now. I need to get over the never happening. But it would be so wonderful if it could, so so wonderful. Or so I think... I guess you really never know until you take the plunge, and that's most likely never gonna happen. i think it's time to take my head out of the clouds and accept that.
And person deux? God, you confuse me. I don't know...it might just be that I'm reading a little too much into our friendship. I really hope that's the case, because I know you, and I know we could never have more than a friendship. I also know I'd never tell you my feelings. IDK, there's just something about you that entices and draws me in...
Grrr.
Dear self,
Stop falling for people you can't have. Come back to reality before you find some way to humiliate yourself or screw your relationships over.
Love,
Your Common Sense
In other newsssssss
Today was fabulous.
Sleeping in. The attack of the holiday candyyy. Decorating, making, wrapping gifts. Home Alone. Cookies. It was just one of those family holiday days. I feel so blessed right now. There are few things that could put a bigger smile on my face, but I'm more than satisfied with the one imprinted on it right now.
And I revived my Tumblr last night. Made me feel all smart-like that I actually figured out how to do sh!t to it. wooo
Sunday, December 20, 2009
'Cause I Won't Embrace You to Fabricate You
"I know how you feel. And I also know how it must make you feel when I say that. Because the truth is, what you’re probably thinking right now is that I
don’t know how you feel. But I do. Does that make sense? To be clearer, I know how it feels to wake up and to think that there’s no point in getting dressed
or eating breakfast. I know how it feels to do bad things to yourself, to destroy your outsides and insides, trying to kill something that is a part of
you, not knowing why, but still doing it, and then hating yourself for doing it and doing it again to punish yourself. I know what’s it’s like to feel
confused about who you are and what’s happening with your mind, body, and heart: to have up days and down days. I know what it’s like to know that there
are people who probably do have it worse than you do but to still feel self-pity and to still hate your life and yourself and everyone around you and then
hating yourself for thinking those thoughts. My point is, I know. I know how you feel. I do. I’ve been through all this and more and continue to go through
it. My advice would be to find people who feel the same way that you do and help them with their problems. I find that making other people happy, and showing
other people that I’m there for them always makes me feel better. I like to know that by saying one word or smiling for a quick second or writing, “Have
a nice day” on a post-it note I’ve changed someone’s life. I could be the reason that someone’s life is made or scathed. And so could you. Just know that
you have to be the change that you want to see. Things aren’t going to just change as much as you wish they would. Make someone else’s day every day, do
something good for the world, stop worrying so much about yourself, and soon enough your life will change for the better, too. If you help people, people
will help you. It’s how the world works. Give a little or a lot and people will do the same. I know it seems hard. At first, I thought it would be hard
to stop concentrating on myself so much. But knowing that someone else has a smile on their face because of your actions, it’s magic. It starts something
inside of you: a revolution. So that’s my advice to you. Do one kind thing each day, make a different. Soon you’ll see the results. I promise. :)"
...Thank you, for beating me to putting my current feelings into words.
I think I've found my new New Year's resolution.
I'm so tired of writing 'fml' and :/ and all those pity-me little things...even though I know i'm not the only person with a good life that has pity-me moments...dwelling on how much things suck, sticking to those negative moments-it does nothing. It doesn't make things better, it doesn't make the crappy situations and circumstances go away, it just makes one dwell...it instills in someone a stronger feeling of something-I don't know, hate? Anger? Depression? I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I know it's not a good feeling.
It's not something I want to feel, and it's not something I would want others to feel.
Making someone laugh, smile, helping someone-any of that-there's no better feeling in the world ot me. It makes me feel useful, wanted, needed, like I actually have a purpose, like the day wasn't wasted. I've always said that my goal in life is to impact someone's life for the better. I don't know who, or how, I just know that knowing I've changed people's lives for the better will make me feel accomplished.
I don't focus many of my beliefs on religion, but i do like to think that we are put on earth to make some sort of difference...I want to make sure I do that.
...And I know I don't have the capacity to do that if I can't see the good stuff in my own life, and there is a lot, so might as well emprace it.
I don't know where i'm going with this blog post.
I just want to let go...and float, with a smile. I want to wake up and just not care about the non-important people. I want to accept things as they are, and know they could be better, but could also be much worse. I don't want to dwell on unfortunate happenings-things that make me sad or mad, because honestly, a few moments of happiness tend to leave much more of an impact on me when compared to hours of hopelessness. It's not worth my time anymore.
I always try to give people 'glass half full' outlooks in their situations, and I think it's time I do it for myself.
There are a ton of things that aren't perfect right now. People i'm mad at, not too happy with, that I feel hurt by, but I see no point in wasting minutes upon hours thinking about what they did or said, it's so pointless and achieves absolutely nothing. I'm scared about colleges, my parents are well, my parents, and school is well...school,
but,
I'll find a way to go to some college, and as long as I'm still in school, I will be doing something, and that's better than nothing at all. And, let's be honest, I have a pair of incredible parents, despite things that we don't agree on, things I don't get about them and things they may never understand about me. and school, well, it'll be over soon enough. yay
I like that rule, the one about saying something you're thankful for daily...it helps keep one grounded, I guess. I especially like the random act of kindness one-about doing something for someone else daily. It may be partially the holiday spirit kicking in, but not completely. I think one of the things i get most excited about when it comes to this time of year is gift shopping for my familia and friends...because making other people happy is kind of awesome. Getting gifts is fun too...but giving wins in my book.
HELLOOOOOOO corny times ten blog post!!
But whatever
I had a good day. I had a pretty fantabulous day, actually.
Some hard-core Christmas shopping with mama, goofing off with dad and brother, amazing friends, good good great music...it was just one of those go to bed with a smile days...
And two weeks of schoolless life to ensue, and I have semi-plans for not being stuck at home all the time, so I'm excited for mindless study-less time.
...this blog turned out differently from what I expected...
don’t know how you feel. But I do. Does that make sense? To be clearer, I know how it feels to wake up and to think that there’s no point in getting dressed
or eating breakfast. I know how it feels to do bad things to yourself, to destroy your outsides and insides, trying to kill something that is a part of
you, not knowing why, but still doing it, and then hating yourself for doing it and doing it again to punish yourself. I know what’s it’s like to feel
confused about who you are and what’s happening with your mind, body, and heart: to have up days and down days. I know what it’s like to know that there
are people who probably do have it worse than you do but to still feel self-pity and to still hate your life and yourself and everyone around you and then
hating yourself for thinking those thoughts. My point is, I know. I know how you feel. I do. I’ve been through all this and more and continue to go through
it. My advice would be to find people who feel the same way that you do and help them with their problems. I find that making other people happy, and showing
other people that I’m there for them always makes me feel better. I like to know that by saying one word or smiling for a quick second or writing, “Have
a nice day” on a post-it note I’ve changed someone’s life. I could be the reason that someone’s life is made or scathed. And so could you. Just know that
you have to be the change that you want to see. Things aren’t going to just change as much as you wish they would. Make someone else’s day every day, do
something good for the world, stop worrying so much about yourself, and soon enough your life will change for the better, too. If you help people, people
will help you. It’s how the world works. Give a little or a lot and people will do the same. I know it seems hard. At first, I thought it would be hard
to stop concentrating on myself so much. But knowing that someone else has a smile on their face because of your actions, it’s magic. It starts something
inside of you: a revolution. So that’s my advice to you. Do one kind thing each day, make a different. Soon you’ll see the results. I promise. :)"
...Thank you, for beating me to putting my current feelings into words.
I think I've found my new New Year's resolution.
I'm so tired of writing 'fml' and :/ and all those pity-me little things...even though I know i'm not the only person with a good life that has pity-me moments...dwelling on how much things suck, sticking to those negative moments-it does nothing. It doesn't make things better, it doesn't make the crappy situations and circumstances go away, it just makes one dwell...it instills in someone a stronger feeling of something-I don't know, hate? Anger? Depression? I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I know it's not a good feeling.
It's not something I want to feel, and it's not something I would want others to feel.
Making someone laugh, smile, helping someone-any of that-there's no better feeling in the world ot me. It makes me feel useful, wanted, needed, like I actually have a purpose, like the day wasn't wasted. I've always said that my goal in life is to impact someone's life for the better. I don't know who, or how, I just know that knowing I've changed people's lives for the better will make me feel accomplished.
I don't focus many of my beliefs on religion, but i do like to think that we are put on earth to make some sort of difference...I want to make sure I do that.
...And I know I don't have the capacity to do that if I can't see the good stuff in my own life, and there is a lot, so might as well emprace it.
I don't know where i'm going with this blog post.
I just want to let go...and float, with a smile. I want to wake up and just not care about the non-important people. I want to accept things as they are, and know they could be better, but could also be much worse. I don't want to dwell on unfortunate happenings-things that make me sad or mad, because honestly, a few moments of happiness tend to leave much more of an impact on me when compared to hours of hopelessness. It's not worth my time anymore.
I always try to give people 'glass half full' outlooks in their situations, and I think it's time I do it for myself.
There are a ton of things that aren't perfect right now. People i'm mad at, not too happy with, that I feel hurt by, but I see no point in wasting minutes upon hours thinking about what they did or said, it's so pointless and achieves absolutely nothing. I'm scared about colleges, my parents are well, my parents, and school is well...school,
but,
I'll find a way to go to some college, and as long as I'm still in school, I will be doing something, and that's better than nothing at all. And, let's be honest, I have a pair of incredible parents, despite things that we don't agree on, things I don't get about them and things they may never understand about me. and school, well, it'll be over soon enough. yay
I like that rule, the one about saying something you're thankful for daily...it helps keep one grounded, I guess. I especially like the random act of kindness one-about doing something for someone else daily. It may be partially the holiday spirit kicking in, but not completely. I think one of the things i get most excited about when it comes to this time of year is gift shopping for my familia and friends...because making other people happy is kind of awesome. Getting gifts is fun too...but giving wins in my book.
HELLOOOOOOO corny times ten blog post!!
But whatever
I had a good day. I had a pretty fantabulous day, actually.
Some hard-core Christmas shopping with mama, goofing off with dad and brother, amazing friends, good good great music...it was just one of those go to bed with a smile days...
And two weeks of schoolless life to ensue, and I have semi-plans for not being stuck at home all the time, so I'm excited for mindless study-less time.
...this blog turned out differently from what I expected...
Are we Denying A Crisis or Are We Scared of Admitting It?
Throughly confused...
and a little bit over-tired
There's a lot i wanna write, and some stories I want to tell...but it's too late and thinking straight is currently out of the question.
But I can't sleep.
It's winter break...it's been one day and I already feel rediculously unproductive. Don't get me wrong, part of me loves not having shit to do, but...idk, I feel so useless here trapped at home 24-7
I just got off Skype. Skype is always a nice escape from reality. It's pretty sad how well the skype girls know me...ten times better than my real-life friends. Part of me wonders if I'd be friends with any of them had we met in person first...but i'd rather just be happy to have then in my life, and not dwell on that.
I feel like i'm in a tangle of emotions. i'm so confused. I'm so tired of trying to please everybody..of trying to sugar-coat things and push down my real feelings, so that another person won't feel hurt or offended. I don't like to lie and say that I'm fine with things when i'm not, but it's better than the alternative...and it's better than just saying 'I don't know, I honestly have no idea what I want right now.' I hate putting on fake smiles...i hate when people hide things, emotions, feelings, from me, and i'm doing just that...but the truth only hurts more, right? :/ UGHHH
On the other hand, i'm feeling so happy and blessed. I love this time of year so so so much-the gatherings and people i haven't seen in such a long time. The holiday music everywhere. Getting to get all creative and focus way too much attention of carefully detailed gifts for people.
For the most part, things are better than I could ask for. And those that aren't? Well...those only bother me when i actually think about them, which doesn't happen as often as it id before, so i'm good.
Despite trivial things, i'm quite fabulous, actually. And I can't stop yawning, so, goodnight :)
and a little bit over-tired
There's a lot i wanna write, and some stories I want to tell...but it's too late and thinking straight is currently out of the question.
But I can't sleep.
It's winter break...it's been one day and I already feel rediculously unproductive. Don't get me wrong, part of me loves not having shit to do, but...idk, I feel so useless here trapped at home 24-7
I just got off Skype. Skype is always a nice escape from reality. It's pretty sad how well the skype girls know me...ten times better than my real-life friends. Part of me wonders if I'd be friends with any of them had we met in person first...but i'd rather just be happy to have then in my life, and not dwell on that.
I feel like i'm in a tangle of emotions. i'm so confused. I'm so tired of trying to please everybody..of trying to sugar-coat things and push down my real feelings, so that another person won't feel hurt or offended. I don't like to lie and say that I'm fine with things when i'm not, but it's better than the alternative...and it's better than just saying 'I don't know, I honestly have no idea what I want right now.' I hate putting on fake smiles...i hate when people hide things, emotions, feelings, from me, and i'm doing just that...but the truth only hurts more, right? :/ UGHHH
On the other hand, i'm feeling so happy and blessed. I love this time of year so so so much-the gatherings and people i haven't seen in such a long time. The holiday music everywhere. Getting to get all creative and focus way too much attention of carefully detailed gifts for people.
For the most part, things are better than I could ask for. And those that aren't? Well...those only bother me when i actually think about them, which doesn't happen as often as it id before, so i'm good.
Despite trivial things, i'm quite fabulous, actually. And I can't stop yawning, so, goodnight :)
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Love, Save the Empty
"Questions fill my brain. The answers are probably simple. Yet I feel like Dora the Explorer. The tree is right in front of me and I can't find it unless
you shout out the answer. I could find the answers, but I need a little push."
That's how I feel most of the time. With everything
With school, with trying to solve equations or trying to figure out a story's theme. I know these things, I understand them, but I don't know...it's like a switch, maybe. I don't think I'm making sense. But that's how I feel for most things. Most questions I get asked. It's not that I don't know what I want, what I'm feeling, what my opinion is, it's just that...I have trouble putting emotions into words at times, I guess.
Anyways...
An issue at hand...
I try to do everything in my power so the people around me are happy...if they're happy then my day will be ten times better despite whatever's going on. I don't want to hold anyone back from experiencing it, or even holding them back from potentially being happy, or happier-especially if it's someone I care for.
A year-and-a-half ago I said long-distance relationships could work for me-that if you really cared about a person, then distance would just be an obstacle and nothing more. I guess that's still the case, but, I think there's more to it. I think a lot of people view long-distance relationships as kind of a joke; a way to date more than one person at once, or some sort of online game. I know that's not the case for the person I'm with, or me, but still, that doesn't make things much easier. I think that after being with a person for a certain amount of time you kind of need to...actually be around them, face-to-face. I didn't think I really needed that connection, but I find myself craving that with someone more and more. And I know that that's impossible in the foreseeable future with the person I'm dating, and it sucks.
And I want this person to be happy. Really happy with her relationship. If being with someone closer to her will accomplish that, then she deserves to be with that person. Sometimes I feel like staying in this relationship thing we've got is causing more hurt than not...idk, it's so, not the usual. And I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to, or to get true emotions from, and people don't deserve to have to deal with that. Maybe...I don't know, iether way I'll be fine...maybe I should address this with said person directly instead of writing a rushed blog post to explain things...
Just for the record, I'm always there for people at the endo f the day if they need me for one reason or another...despite what goes on between me and them.
Today was productive. Very much so. I liked it. I feel like I actually accomplished things. I went to the rally for once. And Now I have to get ready for the choir concert and try to finish off chem before the show.
Who's ready to belt out Carol of the Bells??
...not me.
-Peace
you shout out the answer. I could find the answers, but I need a little push."
That's how I feel most of the time. With everything
With school, with trying to solve equations or trying to figure out a story's theme. I know these things, I understand them, but I don't know...it's like a switch, maybe. I don't think I'm making sense. But that's how I feel for most things. Most questions I get asked. It's not that I don't know what I want, what I'm feeling, what my opinion is, it's just that...I have trouble putting emotions into words at times, I guess.
Anyways...
An issue at hand...
I try to do everything in my power so the people around me are happy...if they're happy then my day will be ten times better despite whatever's going on. I don't want to hold anyone back from experiencing it, or even holding them back from potentially being happy, or happier-especially if it's someone I care for.
A year-and-a-half ago I said long-distance relationships could work for me-that if you really cared about a person, then distance would just be an obstacle and nothing more. I guess that's still the case, but, I think there's more to it. I think a lot of people view long-distance relationships as kind of a joke; a way to date more than one person at once, or some sort of online game. I know that's not the case for the person I'm with, or me, but still, that doesn't make things much easier. I think that after being with a person for a certain amount of time you kind of need to...actually be around them, face-to-face. I didn't think I really needed that connection, but I find myself craving that with someone more and more. And I know that that's impossible in the foreseeable future with the person I'm dating, and it sucks.
And I want this person to be happy. Really happy with her relationship. If being with someone closer to her will accomplish that, then she deserves to be with that person. Sometimes I feel like staying in this relationship thing we've got is causing more hurt than not...idk, it's so, not the usual. And I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to, or to get true emotions from, and people don't deserve to have to deal with that. Maybe...I don't know, iether way I'll be fine...maybe I should address this with said person directly instead of writing a rushed blog post to explain things...
Just for the record, I'm always there for people at the endo f the day if they need me for one reason or another...despite what goes on between me and them.
Today was productive. Very much so. I liked it. I feel like I actually accomplished things. I went to the rally for once. And Now I have to get ready for the choir concert and try to finish off chem before the show.
Who's ready to belt out Carol of the Bells??
...not me.
-Peace
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
It's a Crime Against the Heart, You Know
I finished 90% of my homework, and I have absolutely no intention of tackling the rest tonight.
I am posting another of these pathetic blogs that nobody reads because it’s better than laying in bed for hours without sleep coming to me, and it’s better than talking to people. I always avoid talking to people when I actually have something to say-something to complain about or rant about…or when I feel like I just need someone. I feel so awkward…so I talk to my blog. It makes me feel like the biggest loner known to man, but at least it listens without judging…
We have a rally tomorrow. I probably won’t go. Rallies always make me feel so wwkward-with all those groups of friends, I’d rather not feel so alone in such a big croud of people. Part of me can’t wait for winter break to get here, but part of me dreads it. I hate being stranded at home for days, without anything productive to do. As much as I complain about having to do this and that, it keeps me going…I go insane without anything to do. It makes me all whiny and lonely and sad and depressed-like, it gives me way too much time to daydream and think and dwell on things, and that’s not a good thing.
Yes, I’m literally this bored, hush.
A – Available: No?.
B - Best Friend: Jose, the Skype girls.
C - Crush: Would you really call it a crush?
D - Dad’s Name: Antonio
E - Easiest Person To Talk To: Jose, My blog. Well…at least one of them’s an actual person..)
F – Favorite Band: KATE Voegele, Amy Kuney, Brooke White, GRO, Paramore, Angel Taylor, Taylor Swift..the list goes on for miles, and miles, and miles.
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms: Gummy bears.
H - Hometown: Baldwin Park, L.A. Wanna see ghetto, just look it up.
.
I – Instrument: teach me to play one!!!!!
J - Job: Babysitter once upon a time, part-time tutor for special needs kids, and full-time procrastinator.
K - Kids: Hopefully someday.
.
L - Longest Car Ride: 9-10 hours..
M - Milk Flavor: Didn’t know cows had flavored milk.
N - Number Of Siblings: 2.
O - One Wish: I want to be happy, utterly and completely so, and I want to make someone happy, truly happy.
P – Phobias: Worms, bugs of any kind really, being left alone for too long, never finding that one person...
Q - Favorite Quote: Oh God, there are so many. “I write for all the ‘I’m the only ones’ out there-I write to prove them wrong.”
“Not everyone is going to love what you do and that’s okay, because other people will.”
“Take your hesitance, and your self-defense, leave them behind…”
R - Reason To Smile: Daydreams.
S - Song You Last Heard: Kate’s cover of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.”
T - Time You Woke Up: 5:00 AM.
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I once had a nightmare about one of the Chipmunks, it horrified me for months.
V – Vegetable: lettuce.
W - Worst Habits: Biting my nails, not sleeping, stuttering or rambling if I’m nervous/excited, procrastinating
X - X-Rays You’ve Had: None.
Y - Your Favorite Food: Mandarin chicken, my dad’s Ranchera steak, my aunt’s cheese cake, my mommy’s turkey
Z - Zodiac Sign: LEO. REPPPPPPPIN
I should really go to sleep. But then the night’ll zoom by, and soon it’ll be five AM. I’ll have to pep-talk myself into getting out of bed once again. I’ll have to shower and get dressed and walk into English by seven. I’ll have to put on fake smiles and block people out. And I really don’t want too. And it’s not a big deal, I just don’t like to deal with it, so there you have it.
I don’t like French much anymore. I feel like madame O doesn’t like me. And I know it’s not the case, but I still think this. If someone talks to me inaa certain way, words things in certain ways, I cringe. I put up a shell of protection, and I take every action too personally. I overanalyze everything. I assume the worst. It sucks.
I want to let go. To not have to force myself into doing things. To just wake up happy despite everything that I don’t like about my life. I want not to care. I want to know how all the people with lives ten quadrillion times worse than mine do it. It’s not fair to them that I complain so much over nothing while they deal with so much and still offer up a smile or a laugh.
I am posting another of these pathetic blogs that nobody reads because it’s better than laying in bed for hours without sleep coming to me, and it’s better than talking to people. I always avoid talking to people when I actually have something to say-something to complain about or rant about…or when I feel like I just need someone. I feel so awkward…so I talk to my blog. It makes me feel like the biggest loner known to man, but at least it listens without judging…
We have a rally tomorrow. I probably won’t go. Rallies always make me feel so wwkward-with all those groups of friends, I’d rather not feel so alone in such a big croud of people. Part of me can’t wait for winter break to get here, but part of me dreads it. I hate being stranded at home for days, without anything productive to do. As much as I complain about having to do this and that, it keeps me going…I go insane without anything to do. It makes me all whiny and lonely and sad and depressed-like, it gives me way too much time to daydream and think and dwell on things, and that’s not a good thing.
Yes, I’m literally this bored, hush.
A – Available: No?.
B - Best Friend: Jose, the Skype girls.
C - Crush: Would you really call it a crush?
D - Dad’s Name: Antonio
E - Easiest Person To Talk To: Jose, My blog. Well…at least one of them’s an actual person..)
F – Favorite Band: KATE Voegele, Amy Kuney, Brooke White, GRO, Paramore, Angel Taylor, Taylor Swift..the list goes on for miles, and miles, and miles.
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms: Gummy bears.
H - Hometown: Baldwin Park, L.A. Wanna see ghetto, just look it up.
.
I – Instrument: teach me to play one!!!!!
J - Job: Babysitter once upon a time, part-time tutor for special needs kids, and full-time procrastinator.
K - Kids: Hopefully someday.
.
L - Longest Car Ride: 9-10 hours..
M - Milk Flavor: Didn’t know cows had flavored milk.
N - Number Of Siblings: 2.
O - One Wish: I want to be happy, utterly and completely so, and I want to make someone happy, truly happy.
P – Phobias: Worms, bugs of any kind really, being left alone for too long, never finding that one person...
Q - Favorite Quote: Oh God, there are so many. “I write for all the ‘I’m the only ones’ out there-I write to prove them wrong.”
“Not everyone is going to love what you do and that’s okay, because other people will.”
“Take your hesitance, and your self-defense, leave them behind…”
R - Reason To Smile: Daydreams.
S - Song You Last Heard: Kate’s cover of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.”
T - Time You Woke Up: 5:00 AM.
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I once had a nightmare about one of the Chipmunks, it horrified me for months.
V – Vegetable: lettuce.
W - Worst Habits: Biting my nails, not sleeping, stuttering or rambling if I’m nervous/excited, procrastinating
X - X-Rays You’ve Had: None.
Y - Your Favorite Food: Mandarin chicken, my dad’s Ranchera steak, my aunt’s cheese cake, my mommy’s turkey
Z - Zodiac Sign: LEO. REPPPPPPPIN
I should really go to sleep. But then the night’ll zoom by, and soon it’ll be five AM. I’ll have to pep-talk myself into getting out of bed once again. I’ll have to shower and get dressed and walk into English by seven. I’ll have to put on fake smiles and block people out. And I really don’t want too. And it’s not a big deal, I just don’t like to deal with it, so there you have it.
I don’t like French much anymore. I feel like madame O doesn’t like me. And I know it’s not the case, but I still think this. If someone talks to me inaa certain way, words things in certain ways, I cringe. I put up a shell of protection, and I take every action too personally. I overanalyze everything. I assume the worst. It sucks.
I want to let go. To not have to force myself into doing things. To just wake up happy despite everything that I don’t like about my life. I want not to care. I want to know how all the people with lives ten quadrillion times worse than mine do it. It’s not fair to them that I complain so much over nothing while they deal with so much and still offer up a smile or a laugh.
We Get so Caught up in all of It, Business and Relationships
This week is going by very very slowly...
I can't really think straight now...I have a bunch of little things that need to get done by tomorrow, or by friday...depending.
I should really be doing those, but the large amount of them just makes me want to never start...but alass, it's not like I have much of a choice.
Let's see... Finish Hamlet by Friday, 3 French worksheets and 10 French journal entries to tomorrow+a French quiz, chem test/packet I do tomorrow/Packet II and lab on Friday, One Music essay due tomorrow and another due Friday, two comparison movie reviews due Friday, gov packet and vocab due by Friday...
And then there's the other stuff...making up chem test at some point tomorrow, tutoring this kid-hopefully, rainbow club meeting and whatever that entails, choir concert tomorrow and two-hour rehearsal tonight, O&M lesson I need to have all worked by after school tomorrow, learning/caroling with french class, cooking and preparing a presentation for Friday's multi-cultural thing during French, helping organize the Braille Institute holiday dinner before Saturday...am I forgetting anything?
And there's the whole mental freakout of accepting that I'm not getting into college, which has been haunting me all day. So maybe I'll get into CSUN...the easiest state college to get into...but I'm willing to bet a million dollars that that's about it. Even so, I should also try to finish filling out the LMU CLU and St. Mary's U apps before week's end. I can't go to a community college, I just can't... I can't keep living at home and depending on my parents for every single thing..I want to prove to them and myself and all those other people that I can survive in college, pass classes, get around, find my own ways to do things. I don't know if I can anymore...but I wanna get the chance to try at least.
Ughh, I want a distraction, but I can't afford to be distracted...too. much. to. do. I can't believe there're only nine days 'til Christmas...makes me sad, I love everything about this time so much...
Well, for now, have some holiday cheer:
...this helps a little bit. <3
Feeling kinda overwhelmed at the moment...but the constant carols and christmas movies are nice things to calm down to. Time to start French...I bid you all adieu for now.
I can't really think straight now...I have a bunch of little things that need to get done by tomorrow, or by friday...depending.
I should really be doing those, but the large amount of them just makes me want to never start...but alass, it's not like I have much of a choice.
Let's see... Finish Hamlet by Friday, 3 French worksheets and 10 French journal entries to tomorrow+a French quiz, chem test/packet I do tomorrow/Packet II and lab on Friday, One Music essay due tomorrow and another due Friday, two comparison movie reviews due Friday, gov packet and vocab due by Friday...
And then there's the other stuff...making up chem test at some point tomorrow, tutoring this kid-hopefully, rainbow club meeting and whatever that entails, choir concert tomorrow and two-hour rehearsal tonight, O&M lesson I need to have all worked by after school tomorrow, learning/caroling with french class, cooking and preparing a presentation for Friday's multi-cultural thing during French, helping organize the Braille Institute holiday dinner before Saturday...am I forgetting anything?
And there's the whole mental freakout of accepting that I'm not getting into college, which has been haunting me all day. So maybe I'll get into CSUN...the easiest state college to get into...but I'm willing to bet a million dollars that that's about it. Even so, I should also try to finish filling out the LMU CLU and St. Mary's U apps before week's end. I can't go to a community college, I just can't... I can't keep living at home and depending on my parents for every single thing..I want to prove to them and myself and all those other people that I can survive in college, pass classes, get around, find my own ways to do things. I don't know if I can anymore...but I wanna get the chance to try at least.
Ughh, I want a distraction, but I can't afford to be distracted...too. much. to. do. I can't believe there're only nine days 'til Christmas...makes me sad, I love everything about this time so much...
Well, for now, have some holiday cheer:
...this helps a little bit. <3
Feeling kinda overwhelmed at the moment...but the constant carols and christmas movies are nice things to calm down to. Time to start French...I bid you all adieu for now.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I Dream Days Away but That's Okay
“Do you ever put your arms out and just spin and spin and spin? Well, that’s what love is like. Everything inside of you tells you to stop before you fall, but you just keep going."
When I logged into Tumblr this morning this was the first quote I saw. Actually, that's a lie...the first was about some girl I don't talk to going out to lunch with her friend and eating Ben and Jerry's strawberry shortcake ice cream, it made me chuckle...but this was the ...second one to jump out at me. It made me think...about nothing in particular, and about like ten million things at once..
How do you know when you make the jump from 'like' to 'love?' How aren't you and how are you supposed to feel? How do you keep that feeling of love going through time-how does it not diminish and leave behind ashes after a while? How is it even possible to let go completely and let yourself spin in bliss without being afraid that the other person isn't gonna break your heart...there's a difference between trust and *complete* trust...or maybe it's just me that thinks so. People say that love is like 'letting someone break your heart, but trusting them not to.' I want that feeling of security and tota confidence-I want it so bad...
I'm so scared of never getting to experience that for real, or of not knowing when it does happen and letting it slip away, or of not letting anyone close enough to experience it with. I don't know why I'm so hesitant with these things...I never used to be. I used to be willing to take the plunge at the drop of a hat, because truth be told, any sort of affection or attention was better than none at all, but it's different when you're looking for something that's actually meaningful...obviously. I want to let certain people all the way in without much hesitation. I want to feel comfortalbe around people again...and I don't know where to start.
People do all they can to show that they're always there to me, and I believe them and am so thankful, and I still don't know how to put into words that the feeling goes for me too...
I want to let certain people go. I don't want to continue to let people that keep taking advantage back and back again into my life...I want to block out the kids at school and be happy and confident despite what they may say. It's harder than it seems...or maybe i've just begun to take things to personally... What's better: Having 'friends' that you can hang out with and stuff, but who treat you like crap 50 percent of the time, and who you can't really trust, and who make you the catch to their jokes more often than not-or not having friends at all? I don't know which situation sucks more...they both do.
Today, we were asked to write about what we want...a little open-ended, dontcha think? I'd say that about covers it, but let me be a whiny kid for a second longer...
I want to have set-in-stone plans on a Friday night more than once a year.
I want to be able to go up to people and strike a conversation.
I want to experience that magic of driving around aimlessly on a Sunday afternoon that so many songs tell of.
I want to have a snowball fight.
I want to ride a skilift cuddled up with someone.
I want to walk along the beach at night holding someone's hand in comfortable silence.
I want to laugh until I cry with a group of best friends.
I want to be the daughter my mom always wanted.
I want to open up to my dad completely, because lying to him is starting to bother me too much.
I want to take a boat ride, or ride a plane to anywhere.
I want to visit Europe, Greece, Asia, all fifty US states, South America...anywhere. I want to experience the cultures first-hand, so I can base my opinions of a place on a personal take versus an outter take I got from brochures and articles and TV shows.
I want to go on an insanely long roadtrip with minimal sleep and wonderful people
I want my grades to be as flawless as they were in middle school.
I want to go to Senior Ball, and prom, and have someone to go with.
I want to look like my mom when she was my age.
I want someone to do something rediculously romantic for me...and I want to do the same for someone.
I want to kiss under a piece of mistletoe, under the stars, amidst the rain.
I want to get into college.
I want to stop needing to depend on people for so much.
I don't want sight, but I want to learn to do everything sighted people can do.
I want to fall completely for someone who will love me for all my awkwardness and strange mannerisms.
I want to be a genius writer
I want to make someone laugh today.
...I want a lot of things. I think that's gonna be my checklist....things to accomplish in the next ten years.
in other news, I'm gonna go mutilate a chocolate bunny with mom. It was supposed to be sent to Jose, but it started to melt, so we made the executive decision to keep it for ourselves. (Sorry, Jalapeno. I owe ya one.) Should I claim the head or feet...hmmmm...
When I logged into Tumblr this morning this was the first quote I saw. Actually, that's a lie...the first was about some girl I don't talk to going out to lunch with her friend and eating Ben and Jerry's strawberry shortcake ice cream, it made me chuckle...but this was the ...second one to jump out at me. It made me think...about nothing in particular, and about like ten million things at once..
How do you know when you make the jump from 'like' to 'love?' How aren't you and how are you supposed to feel? How do you keep that feeling of love going through time-how does it not diminish and leave behind ashes after a while? How is it even possible to let go completely and let yourself spin in bliss without being afraid that the other person isn't gonna break your heart...there's a difference between trust and *complete* trust...or maybe it's just me that thinks so. People say that love is like 'letting someone break your heart, but trusting them not to.' I want that feeling of security and tota confidence-I want it so bad...
I'm so scared of never getting to experience that for real, or of not knowing when it does happen and letting it slip away, or of not letting anyone close enough to experience it with. I don't know why I'm so hesitant with these things...I never used to be. I used to be willing to take the plunge at the drop of a hat, because truth be told, any sort of affection or attention was better than none at all, but it's different when you're looking for something that's actually meaningful...obviously. I want to let certain people all the way in without much hesitation. I want to feel comfortalbe around people again...and I don't know where to start.
People do all they can to show that they're always there to me, and I believe them and am so thankful, and I still don't know how to put into words that the feeling goes for me too...
I want to let certain people go. I don't want to continue to let people that keep taking advantage back and back again into my life...I want to block out the kids at school and be happy and confident despite what they may say. It's harder than it seems...or maybe i've just begun to take things to personally... What's better: Having 'friends' that you can hang out with and stuff, but who treat you like crap 50 percent of the time, and who you can't really trust, and who make you the catch to their jokes more often than not-or not having friends at all? I don't know which situation sucks more...they both do.
Today, we were asked to write about what we want...a little open-ended, dontcha think? I'd say that about covers it, but let me be a whiny kid for a second longer...
I want to have set-in-stone plans on a Friday night more than once a year.
I want to be able to go up to people and strike a conversation.
I want to experience that magic of driving around aimlessly on a Sunday afternoon that so many songs tell of.
I want to have a snowball fight.
I want to ride a skilift cuddled up with someone.
I want to walk along the beach at night holding someone's hand in comfortable silence.
I want to laugh until I cry with a group of best friends.
I want to be the daughter my mom always wanted.
I want to open up to my dad completely, because lying to him is starting to bother me too much.
I want to take a boat ride, or ride a plane to anywhere.
I want to visit Europe, Greece, Asia, all fifty US states, South America...anywhere. I want to experience the cultures first-hand, so I can base my opinions of a place on a personal take versus an outter take I got from brochures and articles and TV shows.
I want to go on an insanely long roadtrip with minimal sleep and wonderful people
I want my grades to be as flawless as they were in middle school.
I want to go to Senior Ball, and prom, and have someone to go with.
I want to look like my mom when she was my age.
I want someone to do something rediculously romantic for me...and I want to do the same for someone.
I want to kiss under a piece of mistletoe, under the stars, amidst the rain.
I want to get into college.
I want to stop needing to depend on people for so much.
I don't want sight, but I want to learn to do everything sighted people can do.
I want to fall completely for someone who will love me for all my awkwardness and strange mannerisms.
I want to be a genius writer
I want to make someone laugh today.
...I want a lot of things. I think that's gonna be my checklist....things to accomplish in the next ten years.
in other news, I'm gonna go mutilate a chocolate bunny with mom. It was supposed to be sent to Jose, but it started to melt, so we made the executive decision to keep it for ourselves. (Sorry, Jalapeno. I owe ya one.) Should I claim the head or feet...hmmmm...
Monday, December 14, 2009
And if You Should Shine Down Your Smiling Light
There's something wonderfully magical about listening to a song you haven't really listened to in a while, and re-discovering it's amazingness. Oh how I love music...
Nothing much to say... I'm trapped somewhere between molar mass equations and Hamlet...
Four more days...yayy.
i had a blog post half-written about something that bothered me that happened semi-recently, but I don't think I'm gonna publish it. I'm honestly just so over nameless issue...if said people don't address me directly then I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut from now on...maybe i should've tried that strategy from the get-go, but alass, I'm stubborn and defensive...
Mom and I went shopping yesterday...supposedly it was Christmas shopping, but... We left the mall with eight bags full of stuff...within that we had only bought one gift...but both of us bought half a new wardrobe. There's this thing called self-control...I should really try to find it. I don't really like shopping, espically not with my 'I-can-spend-six-hours-in-one-single-store' mom, but yesterday wasn't thaaat bad.
Saturday we went to this puppy shop at the mall...OMG. I. Want. One. Of. Those. Puppies. AAAH, they're so cute and cuddly.
I can't believe Christmas is in like a week and a half...time kind of flew by...whoa.
My main mission for today is to refrain from biting anyone's head off...I'm just so...UGHHH. IDK, everything's just so annoying ATM. I'm tired of people's constant negativity and judgemental-ness and of hearing them complain about things that seem so pointless to me....but then again, I tend to do the same thing, so I should really just shut the hell up right now. ...I just want to meet a person who's actually...optimistic.
Too much to get done that lazy me probably won't do until last minute. Not to mention, O&M major lesson, tutoring, choir concert, French cultural holiday thing, Braille Institute holiday dinner/gift exchange...wooo?
-Peace.
Nothing much to say... I'm trapped somewhere between molar mass equations and Hamlet...
Four more days...yayy.
i had a blog post half-written about something that bothered me that happened semi-recently, but I don't think I'm gonna publish it. I'm honestly just so over nameless issue...if said people don't address me directly then I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut from now on...maybe i should've tried that strategy from the get-go, but alass, I'm stubborn and defensive...
Mom and I went shopping yesterday...supposedly it was Christmas shopping, but... We left the mall with eight bags full of stuff...within that we had only bought one gift...but both of us bought half a new wardrobe. There's this thing called self-control...I should really try to find it. I don't really like shopping, espically not with my 'I-can-spend-six-hours-in-one-single-store' mom, but yesterday wasn't thaaat bad.
Saturday we went to this puppy shop at the mall...OMG. I. Want. One. Of. Those. Puppies. AAAH, they're so cute and cuddly.
I can't believe Christmas is in like a week and a half...time kind of flew by...whoa.
My main mission for today is to refrain from biting anyone's head off...I'm just so...UGHHH. IDK, everything's just so annoying ATM. I'm tired of people's constant negativity and judgemental-ness and of hearing them complain about things that seem so pointless to me....but then again, I tend to do the same thing, so I should really just shut the hell up right now. ...I just want to meet a person who's actually...optimistic.
Too much to get done that lazy me probably won't do until last minute. Not to mention, O&M major lesson, tutoring, choir concert, French cultural holiday thing, Braille Institute holiday dinner/gift exchange...wooo?
-Peace.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Build the Suspense, and Then Kiss me Instead
So the rainstorm came...last night, when I was too dead asleep to enjoy it. Now it's reduced itself to a constant drizzle...but it's rain at least, might as well bask in it while it's here.
It's Friday. Yay for no school and some extra sleep and an escape from annoying people for a couple of days.
Today wasn't that bad. Classes were average and kind of unproductive...there was no major drama with the mother to speak of... I was fine until 6th period when unnecissary and immature comments were made...hi, i'm standing right here, and I have ears, I'm not stupid enough to not know that that was directed at me. But whatever...I don't even want to get into it. I hate that i let it get to me like I do...I stopped caring for a while...I don't know why things changed. But a fake smile saves me every time I guess...or it gets me out of the situation for the time-being, at least.
i have an insane amount of homework, but I have no plans this weekend, so there's that...
I kind of need to get away from here. Out of this town, away from these people-even getting out of the house would suffice for now, but alass, I have nowhere to go and no one to go nowhere with. My dad says that things're gonna change soon enough...maybe when I go to college, but he's been telling me this since i was twelve and a new middle school loner, so I don't know if I believe him...only time will tell.
And here ends the emo part of this blog post, because if I was a reader I wouldn't want to read any more of the whining. Can someone just come over, slap me across the face, and tell me to suck it up? I'll give you a cookie...
Lalala, nothing to say. Homework time...peace.
It's Friday. Yay for no school and some extra sleep and an escape from annoying people for a couple of days.
Today wasn't that bad. Classes were average and kind of unproductive...there was no major drama with the mother to speak of... I was fine until 6th period when unnecissary and immature comments were made...hi, i'm standing right here, and I have ears, I'm not stupid enough to not know that that was directed at me. But whatever...I don't even want to get into it. I hate that i let it get to me like I do...I stopped caring for a while...I don't know why things changed. But a fake smile saves me every time I guess...or it gets me out of the situation for the time-being, at least.
i have an insane amount of homework, but I have no plans this weekend, so there's that...
I kind of need to get away from here. Out of this town, away from these people-even getting out of the house would suffice for now, but alass, I have nowhere to go and no one to go nowhere with. My dad says that things're gonna change soon enough...maybe when I go to college, but he's been telling me this since i was twelve and a new middle school loner, so I don't know if I believe him...only time will tell.
And here ends the emo part of this blog post, because if I was a reader I wouldn't want to read any more of the whining. Can someone just come over, slap me across the face, and tell me to suck it up? I'll give you a cookie...
Lalala, nothing to say. Homework time...peace.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
With a Hunger, With a Hope and With a Dream
What is it about this time of year that makes one feel all mushy and cuddly and romantic and all that shtuffff?? Blah, oh holiday season...it's bittersweet.
What is it about "Maple Tree" by Angel Taylor that brings back such vivid memories from last summer? I can't believe it's been half a year since the end of junior year, since I went to STEP...since all that stuff went down. Time flies by in the slowest of ways...
I can think of nothing relatively interesting to type today.
My dad brought snow again...we proceeded to throw snowballs and make a creepy-looking snowman. These are the parental bonding moments I live for.
Oh look, it's "Twisted" by Carrie Underwood...oh this song. *sigh* Yes, I just admitted to being a Carrie Underwood fan. She's the tolerable country artist...her and taylor Swift...and usually Kellie Pickler.
So I've decided that giving me directions is basically pointless. Let's take a trip back to this afternoon, for instance. The scene: The Thousand Oaks mall, Christmas shoppers galore. The task: Meet me by the information desk by 3:00. The student: thought process...okay, so I turn left after that nex--oh look, christmas song--where was I? Omg, Taylor Swift Christmas song. Love.
...I'm smart(ish?), I swear...I'm just rediculously easy to distract.
Oh hey, it's "Wedding Song". This song makes me smile...a lot.
Anywho, where was I?
Oh right, the completely pointless blog post.
Umm, what else can I tell you...
I epically fail at chemistry. That damn math...
It's actually enjoyable once I understand what I'm doing...it's the whole understanding it that sucks and makes me want to tear my book in half.
I've noticed that I work really well under pressure. If I have one assignment to get done and like three hours to do it, chances are it might not get done until right before next day's class... If I have five assignments and one hour...chances are they'll all get done efficiently. I should really work on prioritizing...and this is where I burst out laughing, because-as nice as it would be if that actually happened-we all know it's not going too.
It's supposed to rain tomorrow, like huge storm rain. I'm excited. I want thunder!
I wanna be in CO todayyy...or maybe NYC. Iether location would make me very very happy. i miss the rush and excitement of a concert...I need to go to one, ASAP.
My brother just came into my room and told me about his dream. Wanna hear it? No? Well, I'll tell you anyways, for lack of any better words to fill this blog with.
Apparently he was really hungry...and he ate his turtles. Then he told me in great detail about how sad he felt after he did this. Richard can be compassionate, who knew? Me, being the sweet thoughtful little sister that I am, snorted in laughter. Add worst sister of the year to awards I should totally be nominated for. In my defense, he's def in the top 100 for worst/most abnoxious older brother.
Anyone ever notice anything kind of creepy about the song 'Frosty the Snowman?' Personally, if a snowman came to life, it'd freak me out. ...and if he started to play with little kids? It'd be like a ghost/rapist snowy combo.
Ho-ho-holiday spirit.
What is it about "Maple Tree" by Angel Taylor that brings back such vivid memories from last summer? I can't believe it's been half a year since the end of junior year, since I went to STEP...since all that stuff went down. Time flies by in the slowest of ways...
I can think of nothing relatively interesting to type today.
My dad brought snow again...we proceeded to throw snowballs and make a creepy-looking snowman. These are the parental bonding moments I live for.
Oh look, it's "Twisted" by Carrie Underwood...oh this song. *sigh* Yes, I just admitted to being a Carrie Underwood fan. She's the tolerable country artist...her and taylor Swift...and usually Kellie Pickler.
So I've decided that giving me directions is basically pointless. Let's take a trip back to this afternoon, for instance. The scene: The Thousand Oaks mall, Christmas shoppers galore. The task: Meet me by the information desk by 3:00. The student: thought process...okay, so I turn left after that nex--oh look, christmas song--where was I? Omg, Taylor Swift Christmas song. Love.
...I'm smart(ish?), I swear...I'm just rediculously easy to distract.
Oh hey, it's "Wedding Song". This song makes me smile...a lot.
Anywho, where was I?
Oh right, the completely pointless blog post.
Umm, what else can I tell you...
I epically fail at chemistry. That damn math...
It's actually enjoyable once I understand what I'm doing...it's the whole understanding it that sucks and makes me want to tear my book in half.
I've noticed that I work really well under pressure. If I have one assignment to get done and like three hours to do it, chances are it might not get done until right before next day's class... If I have five assignments and one hour...chances are they'll all get done efficiently. I should really work on prioritizing...and this is where I burst out laughing, because-as nice as it would be if that actually happened-we all know it's not going too.
It's supposed to rain tomorrow, like huge storm rain. I'm excited. I want thunder!
I wanna be in CO todayyy...or maybe NYC. Iether location would make me very very happy. i miss the rush and excitement of a concert...I need to go to one, ASAP.
My brother just came into my room and told me about his dream. Wanna hear it? No? Well, I'll tell you anyways, for lack of any better words to fill this blog with.
Apparently he was really hungry...and he ate his turtles. Then he told me in great detail about how sad he felt after he did this. Richard can be compassionate, who knew? Me, being the sweet thoughtful little sister that I am, snorted in laughter. Add worst sister of the year to awards I should totally be nominated for. In my defense, he's def in the top 100 for worst/most abnoxious older brother.
Anyone ever notice anything kind of creepy about the song 'Frosty the Snowman?' Personally, if a snowman came to life, it'd freak me out. ...and if he started to play with little kids? It'd be like a ghost/rapist snowy combo.
Ho-ho-holiday spirit.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I Will be Chasing Your Starlight
It's like the attack of the glitter dust around this place today. We actually finally decorated the trees, and 99.9% of the 21-80534908668923 decorations (You think I'm exaggerating? The box we keep them in is almost as big as me.), were covered in glitter. Therefore, by the end of the afternoon, I was too covered in glitter. We made cookies during this time too...they have a special ingredient. ...they're sparklier than most.
It was nice spending time with my mom without the usual drama. It was just peaceful. We didn't argue or fight about anything, she refrained from calling me out on my shit, and I did the same. She held back from criticizing other people, which is one of the things I get frustrated with about her...so it was all good. We didn't talk about anything serious, and we were the only two in the house, so the brothers and dad didn't do anything to ruin our good spirits. I missed those moments, it'd be nice if they happened more often. I know i'm insanely lucky to have a mother like her, but I wish there were more moments like this to remind me of that...
Maybe if I was more patient around my mom, it would make things better for both of us. She has dyslexea, and I feel really bad when I get frustrated or impatient with her when I have to repeat/explain things a few times-and it happens almost daily. That alone should win me the worst daughter of the year award... And she puts herself down a lot, which I guess is something we have in common in a way...but unlike most, I don't contradict, I just sigh and shake my head and walk away. I want to be able to comfort people, but I feel like I'm so bad at it-I'm always so afraid of saying the absolute wrong thing and making them feel worse... And she criticizes everything and everyone under the sun. She'll find something wrong with every. single. thing...no matter how irrelivant it is to her life. It just bothers me because A) I think people should be able to do whatever the hell they want if it's not affecting other people. and B) a lot of what she critiques is stuff I'm in favor of....most recently?
Anything having to do with gay people. Or maybe it's just the topic that's been bothering me most recently, because I want to come out to my parents, and when she says things like this it just terrifies me and makes me not know what to do. IDK, she's perfectly fine with two guys being together...but two girls? It's absolutely revolting to her, and she never fails to rant about how trashy and disgusting and blah blah blah those sinful people are. And it hurts, not gonna lie. I guess it's kind of my fault for letting it affect me so much, and for not just telling her about me...maybe that would make her stop? Then again, she has her sights set on me marrying some hard-working Mexican guy and having three kids she can give my old toys too. She has the wedding dress picked out and everything....for serious. She looks through my yearbooks and tries to talk me into going out with good-looking guys she comes across...le sigh.
And once again, I'm making my mother sound like a horrible person which is niether the truth or an okay thing to do. She's the person that keeps me going and jumps over the moon for me regularly, but...idk, people have double personalities...
Not just her. Like, a ton of people I know. It's like, you know them, talk to them, get to know them on a more personal level...and then, you see them with other people, or they just make a certain comment, or they just start talking to this or that person more, and it's like a different person when you look at them. And then that old person you used to know pops up again, and you're left a confused mess of 'who are you?' I don't know if it's true, or if it's just me and my not being good at reading people...
I don't even know if I'm making sense.
Anyways...
It's Wednesday. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, but I am looking forward to Fridayyy. :)
I have four days' worth of chem to get done by tomorrow at 9:00 AM...and a chem test to study for. Blah. I hate math. This class will be the death of me....
Kate's Muse cover has been on repeat for the past 45 minutes....it may be time to change that...
My hands feel frozen. I'm gonna go defrost and do something completely unproductive for a while until I can talk myself into embarking on the SS. Chemistry from hell.
xox
It was nice spending time with my mom without the usual drama. It was just peaceful. We didn't argue or fight about anything, she refrained from calling me out on my shit, and I did the same. She held back from criticizing other people, which is one of the things I get frustrated with about her...so it was all good. We didn't talk about anything serious, and we were the only two in the house, so the brothers and dad didn't do anything to ruin our good spirits. I missed those moments, it'd be nice if they happened more often. I know i'm insanely lucky to have a mother like her, but I wish there were more moments like this to remind me of that...
Maybe if I was more patient around my mom, it would make things better for both of us. She has dyslexea, and I feel really bad when I get frustrated or impatient with her when I have to repeat/explain things a few times-and it happens almost daily. That alone should win me the worst daughter of the year award... And she puts herself down a lot, which I guess is something we have in common in a way...but unlike most, I don't contradict, I just sigh and shake my head and walk away. I want to be able to comfort people, but I feel like I'm so bad at it-I'm always so afraid of saying the absolute wrong thing and making them feel worse... And she criticizes everything and everyone under the sun. She'll find something wrong with every. single. thing...no matter how irrelivant it is to her life. It just bothers me because A) I think people should be able to do whatever the hell they want if it's not affecting other people. and B) a lot of what she critiques is stuff I'm in favor of....most recently?
Anything having to do with gay people. Or maybe it's just the topic that's been bothering me most recently, because I want to come out to my parents, and when she says things like this it just terrifies me and makes me not know what to do. IDK, she's perfectly fine with two guys being together...but two girls? It's absolutely revolting to her, and she never fails to rant about how trashy and disgusting and blah blah blah those sinful people are. And it hurts, not gonna lie. I guess it's kind of my fault for letting it affect me so much, and for not just telling her about me...maybe that would make her stop? Then again, she has her sights set on me marrying some hard-working Mexican guy and having three kids she can give my old toys too. She has the wedding dress picked out and everything....for serious. She looks through my yearbooks and tries to talk me into going out with good-looking guys she comes across...le sigh.
And once again, I'm making my mother sound like a horrible person which is niether the truth or an okay thing to do. She's the person that keeps me going and jumps over the moon for me regularly, but...idk, people have double personalities...
Not just her. Like, a ton of people I know. It's like, you know them, talk to them, get to know them on a more personal level...and then, you see them with other people, or they just make a certain comment, or they just start talking to this or that person more, and it's like a different person when you look at them. And then that old person you used to know pops up again, and you're left a confused mess of 'who are you?' I don't know if it's true, or if it's just me and my not being good at reading people...
I don't even know if I'm making sense.
Anyways...
It's Wednesday. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, but I am looking forward to Fridayyy. :)
I have four days' worth of chem to get done by tomorrow at 9:00 AM...and a chem test to study for. Blah. I hate math. This class will be the death of me....
Kate's Muse cover has been on repeat for the past 45 minutes....it may be time to change that...
My hands feel frozen. I'm gonna go defrost and do something completely unproductive for a while until I can talk myself into embarking on the SS. Chemistry from hell.
xox
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
And I Knew From the First Note Played, I'd be Breaking All the Rules to See You
Today's topic for English journaling was 'describe a significant thing that happened iether on this day or around it.' I have like ten things I could write about...
I opted to copy down a nice long paper I wrote a couple of months ago on Kate's music...don't even get me started here...because it'll take up like 3-4 pages. Just, life-changing, in a sort of it's hard to even believe it kind of way. then I wrote about Christmas tree shopping events of the past.
This was the first year I didn't go Christmas tree shopping with the parents, actually, but oh well...
At least we gots a treeeee.
Mom and I are probably gonna decorate it tonight...I love times like this. They're so drama-free and happy...I wish they lasted longer.
There are way too many lights and animals and things on our front lawn...talk about deck the halls.
We recorded that demo in music theory today...aaaaahh.
I will never ever ever ever like my voice, and having to listen to it while I sang/during the playback was cringe-worthy. At least it's done...I just hope he never brings those demos out again.
...Right after that I managed to break my cane in half...how do these things happen to me? I hate asking people to guide moi and stuffso yeah... I guess that's one of the reasons I'm so hesitant about meeting new people I.E online friends, or just...anyone. I really hate having to ask for help getting around...or drawing attention to me being blind at all, not because I don't like to talk about it or anything-because I don't mind being asked anything or anything-but I feel like a burden to those people...
But I digress. ...that was the unfortunate event of the day. At least I got a new one, and it's all pretty and clean and shiny and new and...I should not be excited about this.
We were working on photography in journalism today...you can imagine how thrilling that was for me...I took a nap.
It's super cold around here...and by 'super cold' I mean like 45 degrees...this is not normal SoCal weather. Dear Mother Nature, if you're gonna give us this brrrr, at least send some snow along with it....pleeeeease?
Seven more days of school...I'm excited. And next week's English and Journalism classes are going to be completely mindless...movies....
I think i'm gonna overdose on the smell of sinamon. The candle that's currently lit in my room has this coffee shop donut sinamon scent...it's fabulous. All warm and toasty and holiday-y. This is the same candle I almost stuck my hand into earlier...I'm legit such a mess today.
Currently watching Ellen, this little kid on the show=adorable.
I opted to copy down a nice long paper I wrote a couple of months ago on Kate's music...don't even get me started here...because it'll take up like 3-4 pages. Just, life-changing, in a sort of it's hard to even believe it kind of way. then I wrote about Christmas tree shopping events of the past.
This was the first year I didn't go Christmas tree shopping with the parents, actually, but oh well...
At least we gots a treeeee.
Mom and I are probably gonna decorate it tonight...I love times like this. They're so drama-free and happy...I wish they lasted longer.
There are way too many lights and animals and things on our front lawn...talk about deck the halls.
We recorded that demo in music theory today...aaaaahh.
I will never ever ever ever like my voice, and having to listen to it while I sang/during the playback was cringe-worthy. At least it's done...I just hope he never brings those demos out again.
...Right after that I managed to break my cane in half...how do these things happen to me? I hate asking people to guide moi and stuffso yeah... I guess that's one of the reasons I'm so hesitant about meeting new people I.E online friends, or just...anyone. I really hate having to ask for help getting around...or drawing attention to me being blind at all, not because I don't like to talk about it or anything-because I don't mind being asked anything or anything-but I feel like a burden to those people...
But I digress. ...that was the unfortunate event of the day. At least I got a new one, and it's all pretty and clean and shiny and new and...I should not be excited about this.
We were working on photography in journalism today...you can imagine how thrilling that was for me...I took a nap.
It's super cold around here...and by 'super cold' I mean like 45 degrees...this is not normal SoCal weather. Dear Mother Nature, if you're gonna give us this brrrr, at least send some snow along with it....pleeeeease?
Seven more days of school...I'm excited. And next week's English and Journalism classes are going to be completely mindless...movies....
I think i'm gonna overdose on the smell of sinamon. The candle that's currently lit in my room has this coffee shop donut sinamon scent...it's fabulous. All warm and toasty and holiday-y. This is the same candle I almost stuck my hand into earlier...I'm legit such a mess today.
Currently watching Ellen, this little kid on the show=adorable.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Just Another Monday Rain
Or, y'know, the first one since God knows when.
actually...that's a lie, there was one in like, October, but it doesn't count...it was more like a drizzle.
Ah, I love this weather sooo much. I love the cold...it's just so...fabulous. It makes it actually feel like winter in Cali for once.
And I <333 the rain. The sound of the raindrops hitting the ground, the window the roof...so relaxing, the best thing to drift to sleep listening too. It's like a conbination of love/depressing weather really, but...
It kind of makes me wanna blow off all my schoolwork, and curl up with a blanket and something warm, watching some Christmas movie or something...I wanna cuddle with someone. Wahh.
Unfortunately none of these are very possible ATM. The only snuggle buddy i've got is Moose...and he's not really much of a snuggler. hah. And, blowing off hw is definitely not an option. I've let my grades slip waaaay too much, and I don't even know why...I know I can do all the work, but it's just...laziness/lack of motivation, IDK, It's not like my grades are horrific, but I'm so used to straight A's, and the occasional B+
I want to go back to my over-achiever days...right now I just want to get everything done as soon as possible...next semester things are definitely gonna change.
English is good...it's always been an easy class for me. French is...better, so that's a plus. Yay for no more C. Chem is okay, minus the math. I will NEVER be good, or have the patience to try to understand, anything mathematical. Music Theory is blah, other than the fact that tomorrow I get to record a demo of myself singing "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire", which Mr. F. will then play for the class...FML.>.< WHYYYYY. Government's uneventful, our teacher just had a baby, so he has subs and all we do is watch movies/do worksheets.
French and chem like to attack with the homework, though...the joys. I still love French, but it's definitely gotten more challenging.
Things have gone okay today, but who knows how that might change, the night is young...
actually...that's a lie, there was one in like, October, but it doesn't count...it was more like a drizzle.
Ah, I love this weather sooo much. I love the cold...it's just so...fabulous. It makes it actually feel like winter in Cali for once.
And I <333 the rain. The sound of the raindrops hitting the ground, the window the roof...so relaxing, the best thing to drift to sleep listening too. It's like a conbination of love/depressing weather really, but...
It kind of makes me wanna blow off all my schoolwork, and curl up with a blanket and something warm, watching some Christmas movie or something...I wanna cuddle with someone. Wahh.
Unfortunately none of these are very possible ATM. The only snuggle buddy i've got is Moose...and he's not really much of a snuggler. hah. And, blowing off hw is definitely not an option. I've let my grades slip waaaay too much, and I don't even know why...I know I can do all the work, but it's just...laziness/lack of motivation, IDK, It's not like my grades are horrific, but I'm so used to straight A's, and the occasional B+
I want to go back to my over-achiever days...right now I just want to get everything done as soon as possible...next semester things are definitely gonna change.
English is good...it's always been an easy class for me. French is...better, so that's a plus. Yay for no more C. Chem is okay, minus the math. I will NEVER be good, or have the patience to try to understand, anything mathematical. Music Theory is blah, other than the fact that tomorrow I get to record a demo of myself singing "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire", which Mr. F. will then play for the class...FML.>.< WHYYYYY. Government's uneventful, our teacher just had a baby, so he has subs and all we do is watch movies/do worksheets.
French and chem like to attack with the homework, though...the joys. I still love French, but it's definitely gotten more challenging.
Things have gone okay today, but who knows how that might change, the night is young...
Sunday, December 6, 2009
He Said She Said
Recording videos has got to be one of the most awkward things to do like, ever. Right up there with leaving messages via phone...or making phone calls to strangers/..important people. Or maybe it's just me and my general awkwardness.
Anywho, we had a YESSI meeting Friday. Well, it was more of a holiday party turned caroling session, but y'know...
Can you feeeeeeeel the holiday cheer eminating from me?
>.<
I took myself out of the NFB as much as possible after convention/last month's NFBC CIC meeting, in which dad and I became the hated pair because we didn't agree with certain things...long politics story. In short, the CIC president got expelled from the NFB, and I-not having enough information to make an educated decision-decided not to join in the protests to bring him back...and when asked about the situation, my family and I all said we didn't exactly know what had happened; that we hadn't heard anything prior to convention and that we niether supported or were against the decision to expel him, because we didn't have enough to base it on. Most of the other chapter members said that he was removed unfairly and that the NFB was a corrupt hierarchy...and maybe it is. I can't say I agree with half of what goes on at the state and national levels...and I don't like fifty percent of what it stands for. But still, I wasn't gonna fight for something I didn't understand fully, for someone who lied and based many actions on hate, and, irrelivantly, on someone who was generally unwelcoming to my family and I when we joined the CIC. I don't know...maybe sometimes, keeping your mouth shut is a good idea...or just making people believe you're in agreement with them, so they don't completely blow you off, and deny college scholarships for you for no reason...long non-important story.
Anyway, the actual YESSI meeting/holiday par-tay thing was...not as bad as I'd expected. Z's apparently talking to me again, and apparently we're bff's once more...IDK if it's because she's actually over it, or because she's trying to keep me in the NFB. I guess she's over the accusations and fears of me stealing her boyfriend...
Which by the way...is. not. ever. gonna. happen. Sure I talked to him and we goofed around a lot and stuff, but it wasn't like we were doing anything behind her back...the only times I've talked to him without her ave been when she's specifically asked both of us to wait for her somewhere or go do something for her...he's like, my homeboy. Hah.
But i'm just glad to have gotten rid of that drama...for now, anyways...
But of course there's more drama within the YESSI kids. Is this like, my dosage of highschool drama, since I don't really get much of it in my actual...high school? Let's see...he likes me, i'm creeped out by him. C likes Z, Z's taken, C's stubborn. K hates me 90% of the time, and talks to me when she needs something. The entire M family-minus P, the adorable little sister-hate my family...it's just, awkward...
I tried to just be chill with everyone and survive the meeting with no bruises...I ended up just talking to Z...but I guess that's better than nothing. We went caroling...twas awkward...and cold.
We helped little kids make gingerbread houses...twas messy, very messy.
We had a gift exchange. I got Z's name-of course. C got mine...he gave me a snuggie, I ROFL-ed.
I escaped from there as soon as it didn't look suspicious to do so...and had to give K a ride back...forty minutes of walking on eggshells...jealous?
So I guess K and I are talking again..who the hell knows with these people. Z and I used to be best friends...she knows so much about me and I about her...we could legit trust each other...and that's not something I have with a lot of people. That's all started to change though, and I hate it. I hate losing trust in someone, because it's near impossible for me to trust them again after the fact...maybe i'm too stubborn...probably, I don't know. I know I can't open up to her like I used to, but I miss that feeling of having that person I could tell stuff too without worrying about being judged...I know there are more people I could have this relationship with if I tried, but it's almost impossible for me to really open up to anyone. I need to know someone rediculously well...I need to be able to talk to them freely...they need to open up to me...I have problems. no surprise.
I know I can talk to Jalapeno about almost everything, and I do. Almost...
I don't tell him when I'm having academic problems, because he's super-smart and I'd rather not feel like an idiot. and I sound like a jerk saying that, because I know he wouldn't make me feel like one. That kid's supported some really stupid shit i've done just because I asked him to, not because he agreed with it. Well, not supported, just...accepted. He's my best friend...I can talk to him about almost any problem, I can call him at 2:00 AM if I need to talk to someone-and he's done the same-I feel absolutely no awkwardness talking to him. Then again, I've known him for seven years, and we spent two of those at my house reading for hours on a daily basis....so I guess that has something to do with the confidence.
Other than the schoolly hesitance, there's one other thing I haven't actually told him...
I haven't-directly-come out to him. And I feel bad for keeping it from him...he tells me every. single. thing. and I can't trust him enough to tell him this. Part of me thinks nothing'll change if/when I tell him...I mean, he knows how passionate I am about 'gay rights', and I've hinted at it before, but...IDK, he's Morman, and i'm such a fucked up hypocrite for judging his opinion on just that, but...ewiogdfjkl
He showed me an article once, that he wrote about the issue...and from what I took from it, he said that he was fine with gay people as long as they didn't actually act on their impulses...like, staying single forever vs actually being with someone from the same gender. I don't know if he only believed this is the way it should be for people of his church, or for just everyone... i'll tell him soon enough...and maybe I'll actually disclose my GPA to him as well...he deserves that much...
And grand total of non-online friends: Jalapeno-see above.
Squeally: She was my freakin' savior during STEP, I basically gave her my life story. She also lives 10 hours away... :/
Z: *sigh* A not-so-fine mess, that one is...
Panda: Well, now that him and squeally broke up...IDK, it's so just...forced.
Catterpillar: I don't know if I hate or love this girl. When she's here, she's all here. She opens up to me like no one else, and I do the same. She listens and offers up advice...and we can laugh and talk and go out and do anything together. She's one of the few people who-from what I can tell-isn't really embarrassed to be seen with the blind kid...and that feels really nice for a change. She makes me feel needed...but I also know it's only a sometimes friendship. We go months without talking, and then when her world's falling apart and she needs someone to cry with and vent to..and just someone who can stay sober long enough to listen and care and try to help, she calls me or comes over. I never call her when I need to talk, but I do open up to her when we talk...and then I feel like an idiot when we stop talking again, because every time I hope it'll go back to how it was in the middle school days. It sucks, but it's also nice to feel like someone's best friend and number one occasionally....maybe i'm selfish for feeling that way...idk
There used to be Alegria and Ivy, but they fall under the 'I'm only hanging out with her behind closed doors' category.
...And that about sums up my current social life...
Excluding:
My online peoples, who, honestly, know me a lot better than my non-online peoples. I'm pretty sure I trust them more, and feel more comfortable talking to them, and am actually happy to talk to them...not always the case with the people outside of my computer.
Wow, this is like three pages of uninterupted whiney emo my-life-sucks...new record?
Lessee... my front yard looks like a scene out of a Santa Clause movie or something..lights and bows and trees and reindeer and dogs and mooses and carriages and santas and snowmen and a bear and Mrs. Clause andandand...more stuffs.
I can't believe it's almost Christmas. Winter break needs to get here sooooon.
...And I need to finish my chem homework, so yeah, later. xoxo
Anywho, we had a YESSI meeting Friday. Well, it was more of a holiday party turned caroling session, but y'know...
Can you feeeeeeeel the holiday cheer eminating from me?
>.<
I took myself out of the NFB as much as possible after convention/last month's NFBC CIC meeting, in which dad and I became the hated pair because we didn't agree with certain things...long politics story. In short, the CIC president got expelled from the NFB, and I-not having enough information to make an educated decision-decided not to join in the protests to bring him back...and when asked about the situation, my family and I all said we didn't exactly know what had happened; that we hadn't heard anything prior to convention and that we niether supported or were against the decision to expel him, because we didn't have enough to base it on. Most of the other chapter members said that he was removed unfairly and that the NFB was a corrupt hierarchy...and maybe it is. I can't say I agree with half of what goes on at the state and national levels...and I don't like fifty percent of what it stands for. But still, I wasn't gonna fight for something I didn't understand fully, for someone who lied and based many actions on hate, and, irrelivantly, on someone who was generally unwelcoming to my family and I when we joined the CIC. I don't know...maybe sometimes, keeping your mouth shut is a good idea...or just making people believe you're in agreement with them, so they don't completely blow you off, and deny college scholarships for you for no reason...long non-important story.
Anyway, the actual YESSI meeting/holiday par-tay thing was...not as bad as I'd expected. Z's apparently talking to me again, and apparently we're bff's once more...IDK if it's because she's actually over it, or because she's trying to keep me in the NFB. I guess she's over the accusations and fears of me stealing her boyfriend...
Which by the way...is. not. ever. gonna. happen. Sure I talked to him and we goofed around a lot and stuff, but it wasn't like we were doing anything behind her back...the only times I've talked to him without her ave been when she's specifically asked both of us to wait for her somewhere or go do something for her...he's like, my homeboy. Hah.
But i'm just glad to have gotten rid of that drama...for now, anyways...
But of course there's more drama within the YESSI kids. Is this like, my dosage of highschool drama, since I don't really get much of it in my actual...high school? Let's see...he likes me, i'm creeped out by him. C likes Z, Z's taken, C's stubborn. K hates me 90% of the time, and talks to me when she needs something. The entire M family-minus P, the adorable little sister-hate my family...it's just, awkward...
I tried to just be chill with everyone and survive the meeting with no bruises...I ended up just talking to Z...but I guess that's better than nothing. We went caroling...twas awkward...and cold.
We helped little kids make gingerbread houses...twas messy, very messy.
We had a gift exchange. I got Z's name-of course. C got mine...he gave me a snuggie, I ROFL-ed.
I escaped from there as soon as it didn't look suspicious to do so...and had to give K a ride back...forty minutes of walking on eggshells...jealous?
So I guess K and I are talking again..who the hell knows with these people. Z and I used to be best friends...she knows so much about me and I about her...we could legit trust each other...and that's not something I have with a lot of people. That's all started to change though, and I hate it. I hate losing trust in someone, because it's near impossible for me to trust them again after the fact...maybe i'm too stubborn...probably, I don't know. I know I can't open up to her like I used to, but I miss that feeling of having that person I could tell stuff too without worrying about being judged...I know there are more people I could have this relationship with if I tried, but it's almost impossible for me to really open up to anyone. I need to know someone rediculously well...I need to be able to talk to them freely...they need to open up to me...I have problems. no surprise.
I know I can talk to Jalapeno about almost everything, and I do. Almost...
I don't tell him when I'm having academic problems, because he's super-smart and I'd rather not feel like an idiot. and I sound like a jerk saying that, because I know he wouldn't make me feel like one. That kid's supported some really stupid shit i've done just because I asked him to, not because he agreed with it. Well, not supported, just...accepted. He's my best friend...I can talk to him about almost any problem, I can call him at 2:00 AM if I need to talk to someone-and he's done the same-I feel absolutely no awkwardness talking to him. Then again, I've known him for seven years, and we spent two of those at my house reading for hours on a daily basis....so I guess that has something to do with the confidence.
Other than the schoolly hesitance, there's one other thing I haven't actually told him...
I haven't-directly-come out to him. And I feel bad for keeping it from him...he tells me every. single. thing. and I can't trust him enough to tell him this. Part of me thinks nothing'll change if/when I tell him...I mean, he knows how passionate I am about 'gay rights', and I've hinted at it before, but...IDK, he's Morman, and i'm such a fucked up hypocrite for judging his opinion on just that, but...ewiogdfjkl
He showed me an article once, that he wrote about the issue...and from what I took from it, he said that he was fine with gay people as long as they didn't actually act on their impulses...like, staying single forever vs actually being with someone from the same gender. I don't know if he only believed this is the way it should be for people of his church, or for just everyone... i'll tell him soon enough...and maybe I'll actually disclose my GPA to him as well...he deserves that much...
And grand total of non-online friends: Jalapeno-see above.
Squeally: She was my freakin' savior during STEP, I basically gave her my life story. She also lives 10 hours away... :/
Z: *sigh* A not-so-fine mess, that one is...
Panda: Well, now that him and squeally broke up...IDK, it's so just...forced.
Catterpillar: I don't know if I hate or love this girl. When she's here, she's all here. She opens up to me like no one else, and I do the same. She listens and offers up advice...and we can laugh and talk and go out and do anything together. She's one of the few people who-from what I can tell-isn't really embarrassed to be seen with the blind kid...and that feels really nice for a change. She makes me feel needed...but I also know it's only a sometimes friendship. We go months without talking, and then when her world's falling apart and she needs someone to cry with and vent to..and just someone who can stay sober long enough to listen and care and try to help, she calls me or comes over. I never call her when I need to talk, but I do open up to her when we talk...and then I feel like an idiot when we stop talking again, because every time I hope it'll go back to how it was in the middle school days. It sucks, but it's also nice to feel like someone's best friend and number one occasionally....maybe i'm selfish for feeling that way...idk
There used to be Alegria and Ivy, but they fall under the 'I'm only hanging out with her behind closed doors' category.
...And that about sums up my current social life...
Excluding:
My online peoples, who, honestly, know me a lot better than my non-online peoples. I'm pretty sure I trust them more, and feel more comfortable talking to them, and am actually happy to talk to them...not always the case with the people outside of my computer.
Wow, this is like three pages of uninterupted whiney emo my-life-sucks...new record?
Lessee... my front yard looks like a scene out of a Santa Clause movie or something..lights and bows and trees and reindeer and dogs and mooses and carriages and santas and snowmen and a bear and Mrs. Clause andandand...more stuffs.
I can't believe it's almost Christmas. Winter break needs to get here sooooon.
...And I need to finish my chem homework, so yeah, later. xoxo
Thursday, December 3, 2009
We Take Pleasure in the Simple Things
Thank you for trying
Thank you for putting in the effort of friendship despite what they thought
Thank you for at least being honest
Thank you for making me laugh after that happened
Thank you for making me feel happier than i deserve to feel
Thank you for the little signs that show you still care-they mean more to me than you will ever know
Thank you for making me feel like a good friend.
Thank you for turning my day around
Thank you for teaching me, and letting me choose.
Thank you for forgiving me without a single word
...I don't deserve the amazing people in my life, but i am forever grateful for them.
It's the little things...
<3
Thank you for putting in the effort of friendship despite what they thought
Thank you for at least being honest
Thank you for making me laugh after that happened
Thank you for making me feel happier than i deserve to feel
Thank you for the little signs that show you still care-they mean more to me than you will ever know
Thank you for making me feel like a good friend.
Thank you for turning my day around
Thank you for teaching me, and letting me choose.
Thank you for forgiving me without a single word
...I don't deserve the amazing people in my life, but i am forever grateful for them.
It's the little things...
<3
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Give Me My Sin Again
UCSC and UCSB apps: signed, sealed, delivered. Or...submitted, Whatever. Iether way, I applied. Done. Finito. ...Until I start applying for the private schools...which I should start doing very soon...
Today was just one of those melancholy days.
I'm just...blahh
And it's nothing big, it's just, IDK.
I'm so tired of feeling like the ugliest most unintelligent person around...and I'm so sick and tired of always being everyone's option-their second or third choice.
I'm so sick of my own atitude and how it rears its ugly stubborn head at the most inconvenient of times.
I'm so tired of constantly overly-analyzing every word I say, and over-thinking what everyone is thinking about me.
I hate that I let myself fall for people that I can never really truly be with, and I hate that i've become so scared of letting people get close to my heart-whether it be friendship or more...
I'm so sick of feeling like an alienated freak at my school...of dreading my alarm going off every morning.
I hate crying over trivial things.
I'm so thankful for my amazing friends that can always make me laugh. My fabulous friend Jose...who got me a new iPod and a book. Like, holy crap, what kind of friend does that.
IDK, I'm okay, I just need some sleep...some courage or something would be nice too.
Today was just one of those melancholy days.
I'm just...blahh
And it's nothing big, it's just, IDK.
I'm so tired of feeling like the ugliest most unintelligent person around...and I'm so sick and tired of always being everyone's option-their second or third choice.
I'm so sick of my own atitude and how it rears its ugly stubborn head at the most inconvenient of times.
I'm so tired of constantly overly-analyzing every word I say, and over-thinking what everyone is thinking about me.
I hate that I let myself fall for people that I can never really truly be with, and I hate that i've become so scared of letting people get close to my heart-whether it be friendship or more...
I'm so sick of feeling like an alienated freak at my school...of dreading my alarm going off every morning.
I hate crying over trivial things.
I'm so thankful for my amazing friends that can always make me laugh. My fabulous friend Jose...who got me a new iPod and a book. Like, holy crap, what kind of friend does that.
IDK, I'm okay, I just need some sleep...some courage or something would be nice too.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Remember, Remember December
It's December!!!
:)
This means...endless Christmas carols playing, the 25 days of Christmas on ABC Family, Lighting scented Christmas candles, decorating the house/buying and decorating the tree, hot chocolate, Pumpkin Spice lattes galore, turning on the heater so the house is all nice and toasty, 2 weeks of vaca in which I can endlessly waste time away cuddled under a blanket, Christmas gift-buying...and many more things.
January=the end to all of this plus finals, but we do not speak of such things just yet.
I stayed home from school today-fourth absent day this year...shame shame, oh well. I think the fluy cold thing everyone in my house has is catching up with me full-force. Dear swiney thing, go away, your presence is not wanted within the confines of my body.
I just spent the past five hours on Skype...but in my defence, i did get a good amount of homework done in that time. ...Chemistry's still waiting to be completed...but that can wait.
My mom broke out the huge amount of Christmas decorations today...our house is filled with twinkly carols, and the chimney-and pretty much entire living room-is covered with ornaments. There are four reindeer and a Santa and two snowmen chillin' on our front yard, and the door's decked out with a bow and decorative "ho ho ho" mat. My room's covered in holiday candles and stuffed santas and snowmen and a tree. Boxes and boxes of christmasy things cover our living room floor. I broke out a christmas sweater today, because i'm cool like that...and because it was warm and I was turning into frosty the snowgirl, but yeah...
It's definitely December...
Things in life are as usual. School's...school. The taunting hasn't gone away, but what can you do, I guess...I hate just giving into these things, but it's better than making a huge scene and looking like a pity-me or whiney child...
Things at home are same too...no new major drama. Mom's still her double-personality self-half the time happy and half the time trying to tear me to shreds emotionally...I don't even know if she knows she does it...I don't think she does... It'd just be nice if she'd at least pretend to have some faith in me...if she'd actually believe that I had a chance of being successful in life, versus saying she does, and then saying the complete opposite to my aunt or dad or anyone when she thinks I'm not listening...
Things I learned today:
Saying "I won't get sick" will more often than not lead to you waking up the next morning with a 101 fever and killer sore throat.
Drinking orange juice when I already feel like crap is a baaad idea.
My dog's scared of the people who talk through my computer
My brother got me 'something that looks like a large bear' for Christmas...
Wow, so many fascinating things learned today.
MLIA
:)
This means...endless Christmas carols playing, the 25 days of Christmas on ABC Family, Lighting scented Christmas candles, decorating the house/buying and decorating the tree, hot chocolate, Pumpkin Spice lattes galore, turning on the heater so the house is all nice and toasty, 2 weeks of vaca in which I can endlessly waste time away cuddled under a blanket, Christmas gift-buying...and many more things.
January=the end to all of this plus finals, but we do not speak of such things just yet.
I stayed home from school today-fourth absent day this year...shame shame, oh well. I think the fluy cold thing everyone in my house has is catching up with me full-force. Dear swiney thing, go away, your presence is not wanted within the confines of my body.
I just spent the past five hours on Skype...but in my defence, i did get a good amount of homework done in that time. ...Chemistry's still waiting to be completed...but that can wait.
My mom broke out the huge amount of Christmas decorations today...our house is filled with twinkly carols, and the chimney-and pretty much entire living room-is covered with ornaments. There are four reindeer and a Santa and two snowmen chillin' on our front yard, and the door's decked out with a bow and decorative "ho ho ho" mat. My room's covered in holiday candles and stuffed santas and snowmen and a tree. Boxes and boxes of christmasy things cover our living room floor. I broke out a christmas sweater today, because i'm cool like that...and because it was warm and I was turning into frosty the snowgirl, but yeah...
It's definitely December...
Things in life are as usual. School's...school. The taunting hasn't gone away, but what can you do, I guess...I hate just giving into these things, but it's better than making a huge scene and looking like a pity-me or whiney child...
Things at home are same too...no new major drama. Mom's still her double-personality self-half the time happy and half the time trying to tear me to shreds emotionally...I don't even know if she knows she does it...I don't think she does... It'd just be nice if she'd at least pretend to have some faith in me...if she'd actually believe that I had a chance of being successful in life, versus saying she does, and then saying the complete opposite to my aunt or dad or anyone when she thinks I'm not listening...
Things I learned today:
Saying "I won't get sick" will more often than not lead to you waking up the next morning with a 101 fever and killer sore throat.
Drinking orange juice when I already feel like crap is a baaad idea.
My dog's scared of the people who talk through my computer
My brother got me 'something that looks like a large bear' for Christmas...
Wow, so many fascinating things learned today.
MLIA
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