Thursday, December 23, 2010

You've got a Face for a Smile, you Know

Comtemplating.

I'm 18. I'm starting college, and I'm seeing everyone around me with a plan, or at least an idea, a want. And I just don't know.

Everyone has that one passion; that one desire. That one thing that's just it, what they want to do or what they want to get out of their futures. For some it's a career they love, for others it's a talent or pasion they've had for years, and for others it's a lifestyle.
But for me?

What do I want? I honestly couldn't tell you. Everytime someone asks me 'what do you want to be?' I answer differently, and everytime someone asks me 'what's your major?' I have to look down and mumble something about undecided. I hate this. Don't get me wrong-I love unpredictability, but I want to feel that passtion, that want or love for something, that drive for something.
I want things, but i just don't know...I just don't know.

I just want to inspire, I don't care how, or who, I just want to know that I've made an impact on this earth-that I've affected someone's life in a good way, that I've made people smile, that I've helped, that my life won't be wasted. I want to be happy. I want to look forward to going home after work every day, but I also want to look forward to going to work every morning. I don't want to dread. I want to love with everything in me and I want to smile my full-faced sincere smile every day. I want to have reasons to laugh, and I want to give others a reason to smile.

But how do I turn these things into a life plan? What do I want to do? It's all just so overwhelming and embarrassing-that I'm still 'undecided.'

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Do You Remember Me?

(10 points if you can guess what song the title comes from...)

"It's a beautiful night/We're looking for something dumb to do."

...can I marry Dianna Agron?
I mean umm, hi blog. It's been decades, or months. Whatever.
When I last wrote I was freaking out over going to Hatlen.
Well, not sure if that was well-warranted or not. When I first got there i hated it-it bugged me so much that I didn't click with anyone/that I couldn't stand my roommate. I literally spent a ton of nights crying in my tiny room wanting things to go back to how they were before Hatlen when I felt less alone.

On the upside, i loved the classes, the freedom and the option to do almost anything we wished during classes. We have living skills(cooking/cleaning/etc), tech, mobility, FA(financial advisory), and optional biking, art, guitar, knitting, and other things I'm not a part of and therefore can't think of.
Well, one day Brandon-our "night manager"(kiiiiind of a joke)-literally dragged me into the hall and itroduced me to this girl named Micah. We instantly clicked and literally spent 3 hours talking in my doorway. We talked ever since, during group events and such, but never really socialized aside from there.

One Saturday I was in the computer lab, starving cause I was being lazy and still hadn't grocery shopped. This new girl Erika was in there, and we started talking about food/how bored we were.
In the next days we kept running into each other during classes-almost literally-and that tuesday she gave me frozen tamales to quench my hunger. (I was living off of carrots and cheese, dudes.) Later that day we had knitting cleb and sat together...and didn't stop talking the entire time. Afterwords, we headed to a local Tquiria and then ordered Chinese, and i somehow got her to watch OTH with me. that was also the day I got my laptop in the mail..good dayy.

We've been inseparable ever since.
She didn't really talk to her roommate at first, it was Micah(isn't that ironic?)
People kept talking about how Micah and I were gonna get together considering we were the two gay kids in the group, but I honestly didn't think so. She was too quiet and 22 and definitely not interested in me.
During a CCB fair we all went too, the threeof us started talking, and a couple of days later they both had living skills lessons at the same thime, and talked me into staying to watch. I watched Micah make fried spam and rice and Erika burgers. We had dinner together, then Micah played/sang for us, then we stayed up until past midnight talking, and I never really left their house again. lol
But seriously, I kept going back, and leaving past midnight.

One alcohol-induced Wednesday things happened, and proceeded to happen once more a few days later, and I definitely wasn't proud of how they'd played out, considering I'd just discovered this new-found-micah-crush of mine, and was sure she had no actual interest in me.

After that we were stuck in this weird in-between phase for almost a month, and I hated it and somehow went along with it because I was falling hard. I was terrified of bringing the status of our relationship up or asking her out, because part of me thought she wasn't interested in actually being with me, and I wasn't a fan of getting hurt. On November 12th she asked me out and things have been so much better ever since.
I would literally rant and cry and complain to poor Erika almost every day, then ask 'did your roommate say anything about me?' before the asking out occurred. She got pretty frustrated with both of us using her as the messenger, but she went along with it and helped us out, I adore that girl.
So basically, I see Erika every day now, and Micah and I are inseparable, and every Hatlen teacher is obsessed with awww-ing and taking cutesy pictures of us any chance they get, and I do enjoy being the star couple...or, half of it.
I hate going on and on about this because I know it sounds lame and gushy to you all, but i am just really really happy, guys. The other night we spent all night out on my patio dancing and talking and drinking Starbucks in the cold and rain, and it's one of my favorite memories ever.
I miss Erika tons(HO NEEDS TO ANSWER HER PHONE), and am far too clingy and don't like the two-week period in which I don't see my girlfriend. I am just head-over-heels and it is pathetic.

I really don't know what to say on the family front...I'm never home. Things don't seem like they've changed much, though, and I'm not sure if this saddens or comforts me, perhaps both.

Today I got to talk to a bunch of people I've missed so much, and it's raining, and everything's all Christmasy, and Glee was the cutest, and I can not stop smiling.
Needless to say, I am much happier at Hatlen now..I now feel like time is moving waaaaay too fast.

I started an internship at the Lighthouse for the Blind in SF for a couple of months...baaaad decision. I mean, I'm all for getting work experience, but my boss makes me wanna gouge my eyes out, and the work all seems so pointless, and I'm glad it's overrrrrr. So yeah, I'm unemployed, that's cool.
I'm starting Berkeley City next month and can't wait..It's driving me crazy to not be in school for so long.

Also my roommate is done with Hatlen on the first of January. OMG, YOU GUYS! Happiness of epic proportions, my apt will no longer look like a pigstyyyyy.

So um yeah, that's my current life.

I hope you all have very merry Christmases filled with loved ones and many smiles
xoxoxoxox

"And if it ends today, I'll still say you shine brighter than anyone..."