Realization
Or, sort of. The climax of one I guess...or maybe just a different prospective/state of mind--what's the difference, really. They both affect a person similarly.
Hi, I make no sense, am sleep-deprived, and have been laughing too much/saying the stupidiest things all day. So, all in all, it has been a good day indeed. In a way, all these few previous weeks have been so too.
I mean, some things still suck and blah, but whatever...I've kind of realized, that...I just...honestly really don't care. I mean, I care about my grades, about college, about my family, and about a few special ones in my life, but...other than that, I just want to be happy.
I've let go of some people who I used to care about a lot, but who, honestly, have changed so much, that I just can't even honestly tell them that I care anymore...because, it's just too much negativity and judgement and two-faced disguises and fakeness to keep up with. You might know who you are, and you might not, but irregardless I'm done with trying to keep caring for you and your opinions which have never been said straight to my face.
I do complain, about a lot of things, too much, and it annoys even me, but isn't that what a blog is for? Just for me..to vent and rant nonsensically about stupid stuff that's bothering me at that precise moment; no matter how insignificant? I think so.
I will most likely continue to rant later on in this blog, but, I don't know...despite things that have gone astray recently, I can't manage to stay angry or upset for more than a little while. There's always that little person or thing they do to make it all better...even if they're not trying. I rant and rave etc on this or tumblr, then, right after, laugh at how stupid I was for giving a f*ck.
...'cause I'm just trying to be---happy.
adios
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
I'd Still Side With Love
All it really is is a roller coaster, too me, who is deathly afraid of roller coasters, but loves the rush.
Life tosses and turns, and half the time you don't know what's coming and from where, and you're clinging on, wanting it to stop, or at least slow down, and you feel like it's never going too. In that moment, it feels like whatever's making you turn and toss about isn't ever going to let up, and you panic and freak out. You cry or scream or are afraid. And then, suddenly, it stops, or slows. Like the end of one of those super fast rides at Knotts Berry Farm. And then you feel so relieved, and relaxed. And part of you is paranoid about the next jolt that is still unseen, but part of you feels like, if you survived that last one, this one should be alright. And sometimes, you're soaring, like that glider ride at California Adventure, and you're just...floating and happy and unaware. It's funny how quickly one emotion can completely change, kind of like how one ride can stand still one moment, and be turned upside-down in 2.5 seconds.
That's kind of how I look at the last week, I'm just waiting for the rollercoaster to stop for a sec, a loll would be nice.
I haven't cried as much as I did today in a while, and it's annoying because it's really self-pity and agrivation, and things that just feel so magnified right now, and things I should've been over and that I should've let go of a long time ago.
But it's okay, because the birds are chirping, and the sun's shining super bright, and that alone has the capacity to make me smile. And school's going okay, and I saw the amazing Kate Voegele and Colbie Caillat the other day, and Kris and I are kind of growing closer again, and this should be more than enough to make up for all the bad.
I have a strong desire to just go lay in the grass out back. Just, lie there, under the shade of that huge tree in the middle of our yard, with the sun beyond me, and the breeze that's just the right temperature. I just want to relax there for a while, close my eyes, and just listen to the birds chirping, and the breeze through the trees, and the dogs and cars that are nearby. Just close my eyes and not have to think about anything. Maybe I'll go do that now...
Life tosses and turns, and half the time you don't know what's coming and from where, and you're clinging on, wanting it to stop, or at least slow down, and you feel like it's never going too. In that moment, it feels like whatever's making you turn and toss about isn't ever going to let up, and you panic and freak out. You cry or scream or are afraid. And then, suddenly, it stops, or slows. Like the end of one of those super fast rides at Knotts Berry Farm. And then you feel so relieved, and relaxed. And part of you is paranoid about the next jolt that is still unseen, but part of you feels like, if you survived that last one, this one should be alright. And sometimes, you're soaring, like that glider ride at California Adventure, and you're just...floating and happy and unaware. It's funny how quickly one emotion can completely change, kind of like how one ride can stand still one moment, and be turned upside-down in 2.5 seconds.
That's kind of how I look at the last week, I'm just waiting for the rollercoaster to stop for a sec, a loll would be nice.
I haven't cried as much as I did today in a while, and it's annoying because it's really self-pity and agrivation, and things that just feel so magnified right now, and things I should've been over and that I should've let go of a long time ago.
But it's okay, because the birds are chirping, and the sun's shining super bright, and that alone has the capacity to make me smile. And school's going okay, and I saw the amazing Kate Voegele and Colbie Caillat the other day, and Kris and I are kind of growing closer again, and this should be more than enough to make up for all the bad.
I have a strong desire to just go lay in the grass out back. Just, lie there, under the shade of that huge tree in the middle of our yard, with the sun beyond me, and the breeze that's just the right temperature. I just want to relax there for a while, close my eyes, and just listen to the birds chirping, and the breeze through the trees, and the dogs and cars that are nearby. Just close my eyes and not have to think about anything. Maybe I'll go do that now...
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Gone Away Are the Golden Days
...Because it's not always who says it that's the point. It should be, and somethings shouldn't matter, but it's near impossible to control your feelings. Or maybe it's just so for me. Someday I'll learn to just not give a fuck. I want lessons on brushing things off, especially things like that. But I suck at it. And I suck about being subtle about how much it hurt, evidently. I didn't need that to happen, especially not after that other thing. It shouldn't matter. But, I'll just keep my mouth shut for a while; a long while.
Currently trying to pretend today didn't happen. Maybe it'll work, like in 1984, where all ou have to say it is so, and something officially never happened. Wouldn't it be nice to have the doublethink capability ...no, it wouldn't, not for the most part, but at moments like this it would definitely make things easier. And what really hurts the most, as much as I hate to admit it, is that they were telling the truth...and there's really no getting by that. I want an identity change...do they sell those yet? Is there an app for that?
Currently trying to pretend today didn't happen. Maybe it'll work, like in 1984, where all ou have to say it is so, and something officially never happened. Wouldn't it be nice to have the doublethink capability ...no, it wouldn't, not for the most part, but at moments like this it would definitely make things easier. And what really hurts the most, as much as I hate to admit it, is that they were telling the truth...and there's really no getting by that. I want an identity change...do they sell those yet? Is there an app for that?
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