Thursday, December 23, 2010

You've got a Face for a Smile, you Know

Comtemplating.

I'm 18. I'm starting college, and I'm seeing everyone around me with a plan, or at least an idea, a want. And I just don't know.

Everyone has that one passion; that one desire. That one thing that's just it, what they want to do or what they want to get out of their futures. For some it's a career they love, for others it's a talent or pasion they've had for years, and for others it's a lifestyle.
But for me?

What do I want? I honestly couldn't tell you. Everytime someone asks me 'what do you want to be?' I answer differently, and everytime someone asks me 'what's your major?' I have to look down and mumble something about undecided. I hate this. Don't get me wrong-I love unpredictability, but I want to feel that passtion, that want or love for something, that drive for something.
I want things, but i just don't know...I just don't know.

I just want to inspire, I don't care how, or who, I just want to know that I've made an impact on this earth-that I've affected someone's life in a good way, that I've made people smile, that I've helped, that my life won't be wasted. I want to be happy. I want to look forward to going home after work every day, but I also want to look forward to going to work every morning. I don't want to dread. I want to love with everything in me and I want to smile my full-faced sincere smile every day. I want to have reasons to laugh, and I want to give others a reason to smile.

But how do I turn these things into a life plan? What do I want to do? It's all just so overwhelming and embarrassing-that I'm still 'undecided.'

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Do You Remember Me?

(10 points if you can guess what song the title comes from...)

"It's a beautiful night/We're looking for something dumb to do."

...can I marry Dianna Agron?
I mean umm, hi blog. It's been decades, or months. Whatever.
When I last wrote I was freaking out over going to Hatlen.
Well, not sure if that was well-warranted or not. When I first got there i hated it-it bugged me so much that I didn't click with anyone/that I couldn't stand my roommate. I literally spent a ton of nights crying in my tiny room wanting things to go back to how they were before Hatlen when I felt less alone.

On the upside, i loved the classes, the freedom and the option to do almost anything we wished during classes. We have living skills(cooking/cleaning/etc), tech, mobility, FA(financial advisory), and optional biking, art, guitar, knitting, and other things I'm not a part of and therefore can't think of.
Well, one day Brandon-our "night manager"(kiiiiind of a joke)-literally dragged me into the hall and itroduced me to this girl named Micah. We instantly clicked and literally spent 3 hours talking in my doorway. We talked ever since, during group events and such, but never really socialized aside from there.

One Saturday I was in the computer lab, starving cause I was being lazy and still hadn't grocery shopped. This new girl Erika was in there, and we started talking about food/how bored we were.
In the next days we kept running into each other during classes-almost literally-and that tuesday she gave me frozen tamales to quench my hunger. (I was living off of carrots and cheese, dudes.) Later that day we had knitting cleb and sat together...and didn't stop talking the entire time. Afterwords, we headed to a local Tquiria and then ordered Chinese, and i somehow got her to watch OTH with me. that was also the day I got my laptop in the mail..good dayy.

We've been inseparable ever since.
She didn't really talk to her roommate at first, it was Micah(isn't that ironic?)
People kept talking about how Micah and I were gonna get together considering we were the two gay kids in the group, but I honestly didn't think so. She was too quiet and 22 and definitely not interested in me.
During a CCB fair we all went too, the threeof us started talking, and a couple of days later they both had living skills lessons at the same thime, and talked me into staying to watch. I watched Micah make fried spam and rice and Erika burgers. We had dinner together, then Micah played/sang for us, then we stayed up until past midnight talking, and I never really left their house again. lol
But seriously, I kept going back, and leaving past midnight.

One alcohol-induced Wednesday things happened, and proceeded to happen once more a few days later, and I definitely wasn't proud of how they'd played out, considering I'd just discovered this new-found-micah-crush of mine, and was sure she had no actual interest in me.

After that we were stuck in this weird in-between phase for almost a month, and I hated it and somehow went along with it because I was falling hard. I was terrified of bringing the status of our relationship up or asking her out, because part of me thought she wasn't interested in actually being with me, and I wasn't a fan of getting hurt. On November 12th she asked me out and things have been so much better ever since.
I would literally rant and cry and complain to poor Erika almost every day, then ask 'did your roommate say anything about me?' before the asking out occurred. She got pretty frustrated with both of us using her as the messenger, but she went along with it and helped us out, I adore that girl.
So basically, I see Erika every day now, and Micah and I are inseparable, and every Hatlen teacher is obsessed with awww-ing and taking cutesy pictures of us any chance they get, and I do enjoy being the star couple...or, half of it.
I hate going on and on about this because I know it sounds lame and gushy to you all, but i am just really really happy, guys. The other night we spent all night out on my patio dancing and talking and drinking Starbucks in the cold and rain, and it's one of my favorite memories ever.
I miss Erika tons(HO NEEDS TO ANSWER HER PHONE), and am far too clingy and don't like the two-week period in which I don't see my girlfriend. I am just head-over-heels and it is pathetic.

I really don't know what to say on the family front...I'm never home. Things don't seem like they've changed much, though, and I'm not sure if this saddens or comforts me, perhaps both.

Today I got to talk to a bunch of people I've missed so much, and it's raining, and everything's all Christmasy, and Glee was the cutest, and I can not stop smiling.
Needless to say, I am much happier at Hatlen now..I now feel like time is moving waaaaay too fast.

I started an internship at the Lighthouse for the Blind in SF for a couple of months...baaaad decision. I mean, I'm all for getting work experience, but my boss makes me wanna gouge my eyes out, and the work all seems so pointless, and I'm glad it's overrrrrr. So yeah, I'm unemployed, that's cool.
I'm starting Berkeley City next month and can't wait..It's driving me crazy to not be in school for so long.

Also my roommate is done with Hatlen on the first of January. OMG, YOU GUYS! Happiness of epic proportions, my apt will no longer look like a pigstyyyyy.

So um yeah, that's my current life.

I hope you all have very merry Christmases filled with loved ones and many smiles
xoxoxoxox

"And if it ends today, I'll still say you shine brighter than anyone..."

Monday, August 9, 2010

Honesty is Honestly the Hardest thing for Me Right Now

Hiii blog. So, I'm bored, hence:
LIFE SITUATIONS

1. If you were to find out you were pregnant what would you do?
2. I’d probably be really calm and not process it, then slowly but surely it’d start to hit me and I’d freak out.
3. 2. Do you trust your friends?
4. I try to
5. 3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the person you love?
6. Depends… …
7. 4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
8. I try to-I think it helps explain things, makes sense out of them…but there are just some things that I can not see the reason for them happening, no matter how hard I look.
9. 5. Name one thing you would NOT tolerate in a relationship.
10. Cheating.
11. 6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best room mate for you?
12. I’m honestly not sure. Hannah were basically roommates last summer, and we both made it out alive…
13. 7. Can you deal with people who are too concerned with status?
14. I can tolerate them in small doses.
15. 8. Are you afraid of falling in love?
16. Terrified, actually.
17. 9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
18. Random does as random is.
19. 10. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new guy/girl?
20. Wait, that actually happens? This makes no sense to me.
21. 11. Name one person from your friends list that you could call on.
22. If they’re considered a friend, then I can call on them and vice versa.
23. 12. From your friends list, who can you call in the middle of the night if you need to talk?
24. Probably Jalapeno. Maybe Crystal.
25. 13. What qualities do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
26. I don’t do opposite sex, buuuut, self-confidence, intelligence, sense of humor, easy-going, musically inclined…
27. 14. Fill in the blank. I will NEVER _____.
28. Change to please you.
29. 15. What are your goals in life?
30. To inspire. That’s all.
31. 16. What can you tell about a person by kissing them?
32. More than you think.
33. 17. When you get married, how would you envision your dream wedding?
34. Something simple, happiness…I don’t even know.
35. 18. If you could say just one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
36. It’s only life. Maybe. I’m not sure.
37. 19. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended period of time, name some people you would want to see around your bed?
38. My family
39. 20. How many kids do you want to have?
40. Three.
41. 21. Would you make a good parent?
42. I would like to hope so…someday.
43. 22. Where was your default pic taken?
44. ….
45. 23. . What is your middle name?
46. Don’t gots one.
47. 24. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
48. I don’t know anymore.
49. 28. Are you musical?
50. GAHHHH I wish.
51. 29. If you could go back in time, and change something, what would you change?
52. Maybe I would’ve tried harder sophomore/junior year, not let myself fall so easily for friendships and crushes with pretty words…but I’m not sure I’d actually want to change those things. Experiences shape you.
53. Shoe size:
54. 7
55. Height:
56. five feet and one inch…
57. What are you wearing right now?
58. Shorts, a Hello Kitty tank top, running shoes.
59. Righty or lefty:
Rightie
Can you make a dollar in change right now: yuppers
Best place to go for a date: The park, a coffee shop, a fair…
FAVORITES
Kind of pants: Jeans.
Number: …16
Animal: Penguins.
Sport: Basketball, more precisely, LAKERS..
Month: November/December
Juice: Appleeeeeee
HAVE YOU EVER:
Bungee Jumped? Nope.
Made yourself throw-up? *sigh*
Eaten a hotdog? Unfortunately.
Played truth or dare? Yep.
Been on a plane? Yessum
Came close to dying? Nopers
Been in a sauna? Nope
Been in a hotub? No
Swam in the ocean? Yes.
Fell asleep in school? Oh yeah
Ran away? Nope.
Cried when someone died? Kinda…
Cried in school? Not in public….
Cried on your way to school? Yeah.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call? Yeah, but who cares, really.
Saved e-mails? Rarely.
Used someone? NO.
WHAT IS:
Your good luck charm? Classs ring
favorite song? "It’s only Life”-Kate Voegele. “Appreciate Your Hands”-Amy Kuney. “Maple Tree”-Angel Taylor. “Tied Together With A Smile”-Taylor Swift. “Who I am Hates Who I’ve Been”-Relient K. “Miracle”-Paramore.
HAVE YOU HAD:
Chicken pox: Yes.
Sore Throat: Hates it.
Stitches: Yupp
Broken nose: Nope.
QUESTIONS??
Who was the last person that called you?
Mah brothahhhh
Who was the last person you slow danced with?
I don’t dance.
Who makes you smile the most?
People
Who knows you the best?
Jose…and a couple of others.
Do you like filling these out?Eh.
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Niether.
Do you like yourself?
…No.
Do you get along with your family?
Depends on the flavor of the day.
ARE YOU
Obsessive Compulsive? No?
Suicidal?
…not anymore.
FINAL QUESTIONS
Hated someone in your family?
I don’t hate, I just dislike immensely.
Gotten any awards?
Oui
Good Singer?
Ahahahahahahahahahaha.
Have a lava lamp?
Duuuuude I want one.
How many remote controls are in your house?
Well, I just counted over twenty off of the top of my head…
What was your last dream about?
Going out with Alice Cullen, then having her family drive me home in a horse-drawn carriage, and the dad giving me a bag of meat to give to my dad…idk
Scary or Funny Movie?
Iether, as long as it’s *actually* scary or funny…most movies fail at both nowadays.
Chocolate or Vanilla?
Vanilla.
Rootbeer or Dr.Pepper?
Dr. Pepper, if I must drink one.
Skiing or Boarding?
SKIING. Forever.
Summer or winter?
I. can. Not. Choose.
II. Silver or Gold?
III. Silver.
IV. Diamond or pearl? Diiiiamonds are a giiiiirl’s best friiiiend.
V. Sprite or 7up?
VI. 7up.
VII. Coffee or tea?
VIII. Coffeecoffeecoffeeee
IX. Phone or in person?
X. In person.
XI. Are you oldest, middle or youngest?
XII. I’s the baybay.
XIII. TODAY DID YOU
XIV. 1. Talk to someone you liked? Umm, yeah? I like a lot of people. Haha.
XV. 2. Buy something? No.
XVI. 3. Get sick? No.
XVII. 4. Talked to an ex? Again, no.
XVIII. 5. Miss someone? Mmhmm.
XIX. 6. Get in a fight with someone? No, thank goodness.
XX. LAST PERSON WHO
XXI. 6. Slept in your bed? Krys, maybe?
XXII. 7. Saw you cry? Mom.
XXIII. 8. Made you cry? J. K. Rowling.
XXIV. 9. Went to the movies with? Father.
XXV. 10. Ever been in a fight with your pet? Hahaha. No.
XXVI. 11. Been to Mexico? Siiiiiiii
XXVII. 12. Been to South America? I wish.
XXVIII. 13. Do you have a crush on someone right now? Yeah, but it’s not working out between me and Ashley Greene. Super bummer.
XXIX. 14. What book are you reading now? Re-reading Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows.
XXX. 15. Your Favorite food? Karne asada, cupcakes, muffins, cheese pizza, In-N-Out fries.
XXXI. 16. How many pillows do you sleep with on your bed? 5
XXXII.

------

Things are okay. I'm going down to Hatlen on the 21st...I have to call about confirming the date tomorrow. The lady in charge scares me. Like, she's super serious and I'm very easily intimidated and just eeeek.
i have less than two weeks to spend in socal...I need to make plans with someone. Come hither, friends from afar.
I'm really excited...and so nervous, but definitely not as nervous as I thought I'd be. I don't think it's really hit me yet. When it does i'll be sure to have a full-blown freak-out.

I hate that doing this is so expensive. Dad's trying to start a career on his own now, so it's almost like my entire family's unemployed. I mean, it's nothing to complain about...we still have everything, we have extra money to spend, it's just something new for my family to actually have to live on a...budget. God, I hate how that sounds. It makes me sound like some unaware rich kid who complains when she can't get her 2109655.00 dollar costum-made shoes or something. I know tons of people have it worse off...or rather, less better off. But I also know that this puts so much stress on my dad and worries my mom-because she overanalyzes and worries about everyyyyything-and I just wish they didn't have to deal with those emotions. I feel like such an inconvenience needing them to pay pretty much everything right now...and I just hope work comes to dad so my parents can actually enjoy life and not worry, because I enjoy watching them laugh.

Obsessions:
"Mine" by Taylor Swift is all kinds of adorable.
Ashley Greene...is a goddess.
In-N-Out fries: We went there for brunch this past Sunday, and I gained a whole new appreciation for those things.
We are the Fallen: Seriously dudes, check. them. out. I saw them live a couple of weeks ago...and Carly's voice? There are no words. It's just ridiculous. Girl can saaaang. Girl's also super gorgeous with the best accent ever, but that's irrelevant.

Later, bloggity blog.

"...But you see the shelter as the storm
Holding wind to keep you warm
You are everything to me
And this is why I have to leave..."

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Everybody's Gotta Breathe Somehow

Hi blog. So, I'm 18 now, I guess that's cool and worth noting...kinda, not really.
Let me take a few minutes to do one of my 'OMG my mother sucks and my life is just sooo FML because I'm a dramatic teen at heart' posts.

My mom likes to go on long (I'm talking 20 minutes minimum) rant-lectures on how I'm so quiet and unlikable and therefore have no friends and zero social life. She likes to point out how if I were prettier or cared what other people thought, I'd have tonssss of people to hang out with.
Then, whenever people ask me to hang out with them, I tell her and she acts all confused 'Oh, why are they asking you to do that?' Then she goes on about how they're probably just inviting me out because they feel bad for me or are just trying to embarrass me. Depending on what we're doing, she'll find a way to turn it into 'well you can't do that because you're blind and _____'. If nothing else works, she'll start pointing out how my friends are suuuuch bad influences because they, IDK, have piercings, tattoos...boyfriends, anything that she sees unfit. I told her yesterday that I planned on getting a nose piercing. She informed me that 'only disgusting street girls or lesbians get nose piercings...do you want people to think of you like that?'
I know she doesn't do these things to hurt/offend me, that she thinks she's protecting me or...something, and I try not to let them get to me, but sometimes it just gets to be too much-like today-a I just feel like screaming. I guess I could go out or do whatever without her consent-I mean, she never flatout says 'no', and my dad almost expects me to go out, but...I just hate having her mad at me. She has this way of making me feel like I disappointed her, and I hate that feeling and hurting her and...Sigh. I dunno.
To cancel on M or not...
Aaaand so ends rant.
I think it's time for a jog.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Many the Miles

All these day sfeel like a blur, just passing by one after the other without anything really standing out, without me really doing anything worth telling. That's not necessarily a bad thing, I just hope eventually they become more...eventful.
Well, they will in the fall, when I go off to Hattlan/school, but that's so far off. Idk, I kind of need to be doing something. I feel so unproductive...and as soon as I start doing something, I know i'll probably complain about how much I have to do. I'm strange.
I've decided that trying to figure out my own emotions is pretty pointless, and I've noticed I don't care as m uch as I used too. Though, this all does make for some pretty awesome songs that I'm actually proud of writing.

I feel like taking a long walk on the beach, or a boat ride, or a midnight stroll, or something of that genre. Midnight stroll sounds most appealing at the moment, but that may be because it's umm, midnight.

I have to get up unusually early to spend the day with Krys tomorrow. I'm excited...and nervous. I almost never get to see her, and there's this whole bff then not talking for 3 months that we've got going on. We're just so different, and i guess that's what balances out, makes us work...but idk. She's only there halftime and it's become so hard to trust her...same old story I've been telling for the past 16 months. But I don't want to let go of this friendship.

Idol fanfics are my current addiction: so good, so horrible, wonderfully horrible. Guilty pleasure, for sure. Creepy, creepy guilty pleasure...much like all ffs, in a way.
Pretzel M&Ms are pretty amazing too. I think I like themmore than peanut M&Ms, and you can be sure that was hard to admit.
"Say Goodbye"--Katharine McPhee is. completely. beautiful. The metaphors and the emotion and the story and her voice...just, AHHH.

But you are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Defying Gravity

It's about 11am. It's super sunny and pretty outside, and I'd much rather be out there right now. The only downfall to this weather is the huge amount of bugs that come out...so gross.
My brother's on the treadmill and I'm impatiently waiting for him to finish so i can use it.
Mom and I spent the 4th of July day at the mall, buying clothes I still insist I do not need. (Other than the Paramore shirt, that i definitely needed.) Afterwords we watched Remember Me. It was good because it was so...real. Sad, but so good. And I could tollerate Robert Patinson in this, which wasa plus. We climbed on the roof to watch fireworks when it got dark. We could've just watched from our backyard on lawn chairs like normal people, but I actually wanted to see them and the roof wasn't blocked by trees and whatnot, so I ignored the fact that I could potentially fall and end up severely broken and just chilled...it wasn't bad. I think my dog's scarred for life, but it's okay.

I get to see Carly in a couple of weeks, and that day needs to get here now. Stoked to hear her amazing accent in person. (That's weird...nvm. but seriously) I've never heard of any of the other bands playing, and I haven't looked at the ticket prices because I'm scared, but I'll make it happen.
Volunteering with the animals has been fun, even though I haven't gotten to do much yet.

What I'm obsessing over today may include...
"Adore" by Paramore: I don't even think this needs an explanation LIsten to it and tell me it's not amazing.
Pretzel bites: because they are delish. Even though I find myself wiping off 90% of the sugar while my mom complains that that's the best part.

Uh, the Bachelorette's on tonight...ahem, anyhow. gonna go hurry up my brother. Hope you all have amazing Mondays:)

“I don’t mean to run
But every time you come around
I feel more alive than ever
And I guess it’s too much
Maybe we’re too young
And I don’t even know what’s real
But I know I’ve never wanted anything so bad
I’ve never wanted anyone so bad…”