He Said She Said

Recording videos has got to be one of the most awkward things to do like, ever. Right up there with leaving messages via phone...or making phone calls to strangers/..important people. Or maybe it's just me and my general awkwardness.

Anywho, we had a YESSI meeting Friday. Well, it was more of a holiday party turned caroling session, but y'know...
Can you feeeeeeeel the holiday cheer eminating from me?
>.<

I took myself out of the NFB as much as possible after convention/last month's NFBC CIC meeting, in which dad and I became the hated pair because we didn't agree with certain things...long politics story. In short, the CIC president got expelled from the NFB, and I-not having enough information to make an educated decision-decided not to join in the protests to bring him back...and when asked about the situation, my family and I all said we didn't exactly know what had happened; that we hadn't heard anything prior to convention and that we niether supported or were against the decision to expel him, because we didn't have enough to base it on. Most of the other chapter members said that he was removed unfairly and that the NFB was a corrupt hierarchy...and maybe it is. I can't say I agree with half of what goes on at the state and national levels...and I don't like fifty percent of what it stands for. But still, I wasn't gonna fight for something I didn't understand fully, for someone who lied and based many actions on hate, and, irrelivantly, on someone who was generally unwelcoming to my family and I when we joined the CIC. I don't know...maybe sometimes, keeping your mouth shut is a good idea...or just making people believe you're in agreement with them, so they don't completely blow you off, and deny college scholarships for you for no reason...long non-important story.

Anyway, the actual YESSI meeting/holiday par-tay thing was...not as bad as I'd expected. Z's apparently talking to me again, and apparently we're bff's once more...IDK if it's because she's actually over it, or because she's trying to keep me in the NFB. I guess she's over the accusations and fears of me stealing her boyfriend...
Which by the way...is. not. ever. gonna. happen. Sure I talked to him and we goofed around a lot and stuff, but it wasn't like we were doing anything behind her back...the only times I've talked to him without her ave been when she's specifically asked both of us to wait for her somewhere or go do something for her...he's like, my homeboy. Hah.
But i'm just glad to have gotten rid of that drama...for now, anyways...

But of course there's more drama within the YESSI kids. Is this like, my dosage of highschool drama, since I don't really get much of it in my actual...high school? Let's see...he likes me, i'm creeped out by him. C likes Z, Z's taken, C's stubborn. K hates me 90% of the time, and talks to me when she needs something. The entire M family-minus P, the adorable little sister-hate my family...it's just, awkward...
I tried to just be chill with everyone and survive the meeting with no bruises...I ended up just talking to Z...but I guess that's better than nothing. We went caroling...twas awkward...and cold.
We helped little kids make gingerbread houses...twas messy, very messy.
We had a gift exchange. I got Z's name-of course. C got mine...he gave me a snuggie, I ROFL-ed.
I escaped from there as soon as it didn't look suspicious to do so...and had to give K a ride back...forty minutes of walking on eggshells...jealous?

So I guess K and I are talking again..who the hell knows with these people. Z and I used to be best friends...she knows so much about me and I about her...we could legit trust each other...and that's not something I have with a lot of people. That's all started to change though, and I hate it. I hate losing trust in someone, because it's near impossible for me to trust them again after the fact...maybe i'm too stubborn...probably, I don't know. I know I can't open up to her like I used to, but I miss that feeling of having that person I could tell stuff too without worrying about being judged...I know there are more people I could have this relationship with if I tried, but it's almost impossible for me to really open up to anyone. I need to know someone rediculously well...I need to be able to talk to them freely...they need to open up to me...I have problems. no surprise.
I know I can talk to Jalapeno about almost everything, and I do. Almost...
I don't tell him when I'm having academic problems, because he's super-smart and I'd rather not feel like an idiot. and I sound like a jerk saying that, because I know he wouldn't make me feel like one. That kid's supported some really stupid shit i've done just because I asked him to, not because he agreed with it. Well, not supported, just...accepted. He's my best friend...I can talk to him about almost any problem, I can call him at 2:00 AM if I need to talk to someone-and he's done the same-I feel absolutely no awkwardness talking to him. Then again, I've known him for seven years, and we spent two of those at my house reading for hours on a daily basis....so I guess that has something to do with the confidence.
Other than the schoolly hesitance, there's one other thing I haven't actually told him...

I haven't-directly-come out to him. And I feel bad for keeping it from him...he tells me every. single. thing. and I can't trust him enough to tell him this. Part of me thinks nothing'll change if/when I tell him...I mean, he knows how passionate I am about 'gay rights', and I've hinted at it before, but...IDK, he's Morman, and i'm such a fucked up hypocrite for judging his opinion on just that, but...ewiogdfjkl
He showed me an article once, that he wrote about the issue...and from what I took from it, he said that he was fine with gay people as long as they didn't actually act on their impulses...like, staying single forever vs actually being with someone from the same gender. I don't know if he only believed this is the way it should be for people of his church, or for just everyone... i'll tell him soon enough...and maybe I'll actually disclose my GPA to him as well...he deserves that much...

And grand total of non-online friends: Jalapeno-see above.
Squeally: She was my freakin' savior during STEP, I basically gave her my life story. She also lives 10 hours away... :/
Z: *sigh* A not-so-fine mess, that one is...
Panda: Well, now that him and squeally broke up...IDK, it's so just...forced.
Catterpillar: I don't know if I hate or love this girl. When she's here, she's all here. She opens up to me like no one else, and I do the same. She listens and offers up advice...and we can laugh and talk and go out and do anything together. She's one of the few people who-from what I can tell-isn't really embarrassed to be seen with the blind kid...and that feels really nice for a change. She makes me feel needed...but I also know it's only a sometimes friendship. We go months without talking, and then when her world's falling apart and she needs someone to cry with and vent to..and just someone who can stay sober long enough to listen and care and try to help, she calls me or comes over. I never call her when I need to talk, but I do open up to her when we talk...and then I feel like an idiot when we stop talking again, because every time I hope it'll go back to how it was in the middle school days. It sucks, but it's also nice to feel like someone's best friend and number one occasionally....maybe i'm selfish for feeling that way...idk
There used to be Alegria and Ivy, but they fall under the 'I'm only hanging out with her behind closed doors' category.
...And that about sums up my current social life...
Excluding:
My online peoples, who, honestly, know me a lot better than my non-online peoples. I'm pretty sure I trust them more, and feel more comfortable talking to them, and am actually happy to talk to them...not always the case with the people outside of my computer.
Wow, this is like three pages of uninterupted whiney emo my-life-sucks...new record?

Lessee... my front yard looks like a scene out of a Santa Clause movie or something..lights and bows and trees and reindeer and dogs and mooses and carriages and santas and snowmen and a bear and Mrs. Clause andandand...more stuffs.
I can't believe it's almost Christmas. Winter break needs to get here sooooon.
...And I need to finish my chem homework, so yeah, later. xoxo