“Do you ever put your arms out and just spin and spin and spin? Well, that’s what love is like. Everything inside of you tells you to stop before you fall, but you just keep going."
When I logged into Tumblr this morning this was the first quote I saw. Actually, that's a lie...the first was about some girl I don't talk to going out to lunch with her friend and eating Ben and Jerry's strawberry shortcake ice cream, it made me chuckle...but this was the ...second one to jump out at me. It made me think...about nothing in particular, and about like ten million things at once..
How do you know when you make the jump from 'like' to 'love?' How aren't you and how are you supposed to feel? How do you keep that feeling of love going through time-how does it not diminish and leave behind ashes after a while? How is it even possible to let go completely and let yourself spin in bliss without being afraid that the other person isn't gonna break your heart...there's a difference between trust and *complete* trust...or maybe it's just me that thinks so. People say that love is like 'letting someone break your heart, but trusting them not to.' I want that feeling of security and tota confidence-I want it so bad...
I'm so scared of never getting to experience that for real, or of not knowing when it does happen and letting it slip away, or of not letting anyone close enough to experience it with. I don't know why I'm so hesitant with these things...I never used to be. I used to be willing to take the plunge at the drop of a hat, because truth be told, any sort of affection or attention was better than none at all, but it's different when you're looking for something that's actually meaningful...obviously. I want to let certain people all the way in without much hesitation. I want to feel comfortalbe around people again...and I don't know where to start.
People do all they can to show that they're always there to me, and I believe them and am so thankful, and I still don't know how to put into words that the feeling goes for me too...
I want to let certain people go. I don't want to continue to let people that keep taking advantage back and back again into my life...I want to block out the kids at school and be happy and confident despite what they may say. It's harder than it seems...or maybe i've just begun to take things to personally... What's better: Having 'friends' that you can hang out with and stuff, but who treat you like crap 50 percent of the time, and who you can't really trust, and who make you the catch to their jokes more often than not-or not having friends at all? I don't know which situation sucks more...they both do.
Today, we were asked to write about what we want...a little open-ended, dontcha think? I'd say that about covers it, but let me be a whiny kid for a second longer...
I want to have set-in-stone plans on a Friday night more than once a year.
I want to be able to go up to people and strike a conversation.
I want to experience that magic of driving around aimlessly on a Sunday afternoon that so many songs tell of.
I want to have a snowball fight.
I want to ride a skilift cuddled up with someone.
I want to walk along the beach at night holding someone's hand in comfortable silence.
I want to laugh until I cry with a group of best friends.
I want to be the daughter my mom always wanted.
I want to open up to my dad completely, because lying to him is starting to bother me too much.
I want to take a boat ride, or ride a plane to anywhere.
I want to visit Europe, Greece, Asia, all fifty US states, South America...anywhere. I want to experience the cultures first-hand, so I can base my opinions of a place on a personal take versus an outter take I got from brochures and articles and TV shows.
I want to go on an insanely long roadtrip with minimal sleep and wonderful people
I want my grades to be as flawless as they were in middle school.
I want to go to Senior Ball, and prom, and have someone to go with.
I want to look like my mom when she was my age.
I want someone to do something rediculously romantic for me...and I want to do the same for someone.
I want to kiss under a piece of mistletoe, under the stars, amidst the rain.
I want to get into college.
I want to stop needing to depend on people for so much.
I don't want sight, but I want to learn to do everything sighted people can do.
I want to fall completely for someone who will love me for all my awkwardness and strange mannerisms.
I want to be a genius writer
I want to make someone laugh today.
...I want a lot of things. I think that's gonna be my checklist....things to accomplish in the next ten years.
in other news, I'm gonna go mutilate a chocolate bunny with mom. It was supposed to be sent to Jose, but it started to melt, so we made the executive decision to keep it for ourselves. (Sorry, Jalapeno. I owe ya one.) Should I claim the head or feet...hmmmm...
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