It's a Crime Against the Heart, You Know

I finished 90% of my homework, and I have absolutely no intention of tackling the rest tonight.
I am posting another of these pathetic blogs that nobody reads because it’s better than laying in bed for hours without sleep coming to me, and it’s better than talking to people. I always avoid talking to people when I actually have something to say-something to complain about or rant about…or when I feel like I just need someone. I feel so awkward…so I talk to my blog. It makes me feel like the biggest loner known to man, but at least it listens without judging…
We have a rally tomorrow. I probably won’t go. Rallies always make me feel so wwkward-with all those groups of friends, I’d rather not feel so alone in such a big croud of people. Part of me can’t wait for winter break to get here, but part of me dreads it. I hate being stranded at home for days, without anything productive to do. As much as I complain about having to do this and that, it keeps me going…I go insane without anything to do. It makes me all whiny and lonely and sad and depressed-like, it gives me way too much time to daydream and think and dwell on things, and that’s not a good thing.

Yes, I’m literally this bored, hush.

A – Available: No?.
B - Best Friend: Jose, the Skype girls.

C - Crush: Would you really call it a crush?
D - Dad’s Name: Antonio

E - Easiest Person To Talk To: Jose, My blog. Well…at least one of them’s an actual person..)
F – Favorite Band: KATE Voegele, Amy Kuney, Brooke White, GRO, Paramore, Angel Taylor, Taylor Swift..the list goes on for miles, and miles, and miles.

G - Gummy Bears Or Worms: Gummy bears.

H - Hometown: Baldwin Park, L.A. Wanna see ghetto, just look it up.
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I – Instrument: teach me to play one!!!!!
J - Job: Babysitter once upon a time, part-time tutor for special needs kids, and full-time procrastinator.
K - Kids: Hopefully someday.
.
L - Longest Car Ride: 9-10 hours..
M - Milk Flavor: Didn’t know cows had flavored milk.
N - Number Of Siblings: 2.
O - One Wish: I want to be happy, utterly and completely so, and I want to make someone happy, truly happy.

P – Phobias: Worms, bugs of any kind really, being left alone for too long, never finding that one person...
Q - Favorite Quote: Oh God, there are so many. “I write for all the ‘I’m the only ones’ out there-I write to prove them wrong.”
“Not everyone is going to love what you do and that’s okay, because other people will.”
“Take your hesitance, and your self-defense, leave them behind…”
R - Reason To Smile: Daydreams.
S - Song You Last Heard: Kate’s cover of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.”

T - Time You Woke Up: 5:00 AM.
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I once had a nightmare about one of the Chipmunks, it horrified me for months.
V – Vegetable: lettuce.
W - Worst Habits: Biting my nails, not sleeping, stuttering or rambling if I’m nervous/excited, procrastinating
X - X-Rays You’ve Had: None.
Y - Your Favorite Food: Mandarin chicken, my dad’s Ranchera steak, my aunt’s cheese cake, my mommy’s turkey
Z - Zodiac Sign: LEO. REPPPPPPPIN

I should really go to sleep. But then the night’ll zoom by, and soon it’ll be five AM. I’ll have to pep-talk myself into getting out of bed once again. I’ll have to shower and get dressed and walk into English by seven. I’ll have to put on fake smiles and block people out. And I really don’t want too. And it’s not a big deal, I just don’t like to deal with it, so there you have it.
I don’t like French much anymore. I feel like madame O doesn’t like me. And I know it’s not the case, but I still think this. If someone talks to me inaa certain way, words things in certain ways, I cringe. I put up a shell of protection, and I take every action too personally. I overanalyze everything. I assume the worst. It sucks.

I want to let go. To not have to force myself into doing things. To just wake up happy despite everything that I don’t like about my life. I want not to care. I want to know how all the people with lives ten quadrillion times worse than mine do it. It’s not fair to them that I complain so much over nothing while they deal with so much and still offer up a smile or a laugh.