It's a Roller Coaster Kind of Rush, and I Never knew I Could Feel That Much

DISCLAIMOR: All spelling/grammar mistakes...feel free to look past and ignore. I'm less than half awake

Hey lookie, christmas is officially over

Sad. face.

Annnd, i'm over it(sort of). I have like twenty mini-blogs in my head, and I feel so blah about writing them out. I'm sleepy, but i can't fall asleep.
Christmas was good-like, really really good. Ah, I loved christmas eve so much. I don't care how overly-commercialized and cheesey this holiday may seem to some, I will never look at it as such.

I mean, in a way it is. It is when you base it around buying the most expensive gifts, around want...but, as much as my mom and i may waste on Christmas decorations, foods, and gifts, I genuinely believe that we still hold true to one of the principles of the day.
We always decorate together...we spend far to much time on it, but it's such a wonderful bonding experience. And we bake together on Christmas Eve. There are so many little moments within that that I will never forget. There's something so happy about spending drama-free time with my mom, doing something we both love. If one of us did all of it on her own, it honestly wouldn't be half as special.

On Christmas eve, we watched that new chipmunk movie in the morning. it was really cute. Then dad and I braved Best Buy and the grocery store for last-min gifts/cooking stuff mom had forgotten.

We hunted the city for the last three Home Alone DVDs...total fail. Really T.O, really?
I don't really spend that much time alone with dad, and every time we go out alone it's just...nice. We have nice deep talks and we have similar bitterly-overly sarcastic senses of humor, and we view a lot of the things around us in the same ways and have a lot of the same ideals...so I really cherrish those moments. And he's completely honest with me. I love my mom, but I don't get that from her a lot of the time, so it's really nice sometimes.
Anyhow, we came back home, and mom and I went about cooking posole, turkey, rice, cake, cookies...yummy stuff. After everything was simmering to perfect yummminess, we put on The Santa Clause and built an epic gingerbread house.
I got a christmas card, and ended up covered in glitter.

Fun fact: wanna make my week? Sned me a christmas card, or basically anything via mail. I squeal and get all giddy...haha.

After building the house, we sat around and watched Christmas With the Cranks and Santa Clause II
By then the food was ready. Our brothers came out, and we all toasted. It was kind of a christmas dinner/early 30-year anniversary toast to my parents. Dad served wine all-round, which surprised me, because Moose and I got glasses of it too. (and now hell may freeze over...)

We ate, watched Santa Clause III, made hot chocolate, and watched Elf. We always stay up until midnight and open gifts then.
Before we opened them, we watched part of the midnight mass in Rome with the Pope (I know it probably has a more propper name...but i'm horrible and don't know it)

Then, we gathered around the tree...all five plus dog. We passed around gifts, and excitedly told one another what their gifts did/what they were for/...idk. It's the one time a year my family's all together for more than ten minutes without fighting, and I just love that feeling so much, words can't even explain. I love seeing everyone happy and smiling and...I hate that it comes around so rarely, but, i will enjoy it nonetheless. We took way too many pictures, and laughed more than usual...which is really sying something for my dad and I who laugh a anything. Hah

I got so many things. And I wasn't expecting it nor did I deserve it. I'm always so awkward when it comes to getting gifts...I like it, it's sweet and nice, but, I hate accepting things. I have so so so much more than I need, and I hate asking for things and letting others pay for them, I get so awkward and feel like an ungrateful person, even if it's a gift. And, the gifts I gave this year weren't all that great, which I know isn't the point, but...I just felt bad. Idk. I wish I could've given more than I recieved.
I don't know, the day doesn't seem so magical when I write it out, but it really was. I was genuinely smiling and giddy all day. I felt like a little kid again; like that little girl that would fall asleep on the barbie blanket, waiting for Santa and his reindeer to come. I haven't had such a wonderful Christmas since those days. And it wasn't the gifts, or the delicious food...I would've been fine with takeout and stockings filled with gum and a card. It was just that unity and feeling of happiness with my family...I wish things could be like that more often. Why do we only embrace and say 'I love you' and do nice things for each other around this time? I don't like that...it should be an always deal.
I want to be that change; the do things and expect nothing year-round change. I don't quite no how yet...but it would make me feel so complete and accomplished.

Anyways, my life? Good, I guess? Confusing? ...Yeah...confusing.

I'm sort of...single? I guess? Actually, I don't know? Yes? No? One or the other...I miss her, I really do, but i don't know, i guess i missed her even when we were still together for the last stretch...we just talked so little and i felt so disconnected, and I really didn't like it. I like to hear from someone daily-especially if that person's on my mind a lot. I know it's kind of my fault, being basically impossible to talk to and all, but yeah... I still care about her as much as I did before; I still find her adorable and sweet, and she makes me feel beautiful and and I'm comfortable around her...and it's really nice to know that there's someone who has genuine feelings for you, and moreso when you feel the same about them, but idk...the distance makes it annoyingly hard...
We'll see what happens, i guess?

But

There's this other person...and I don't know anymore. I don't know if I'm reading too much into our close friendship, or if I'm actually starting to look at her in a different way. She makes me smile and I feel pretty comfortalbe about her. I like that i can text or say random shit to her at any time and not worry that she'll laugh at me. She makes me laugh, but...Who knows. Chick confuses me...and I absolutely refuse to talk to her about this little...um, development...not happening.

And there's unrequited love for the ages...that person I think I'll always care about and dream of, but i know it's not happening now...or ever.

What's with all this relationship confusion? What happened to the simple days of worrying about having the best fruit snacks during snacktime--can I go back there for a bit, s'il vous plait?

Aunt and cousin are coming tomorrow...from mexico. My cousin and I used to be best friends...but now, IDK, we're cool, I guess, but we don't really...know each other anymore. She came for thanksgiving. I was gonna come out to her then...but then certain comments were made, and...it just didn't happen.

I'm cold, and falling asleep. I'm gonna go hunt down zee snuggie...shut up

Hope you all had wonderful Christmases.