You've got a Face for a Smile, you Know

Comtemplating.

I'm 18. I'm starting college, and I'm seeing everyone around me with a plan, or at least an idea, a want. And I just don't know.

Everyone has that one passion; that one desire. That one thing that's just it, what they want to do or what they want to get out of their futures. For some it's a career they love, for others it's a talent or pasion they've had for years, and for others it's a lifestyle.
But for me?

What do I want? I honestly couldn't tell you. Everytime someone asks me 'what do you want to be?' I answer differently, and everytime someone asks me 'what's your major?' I have to look down and mumble something about undecided. I hate this. Don't get me wrong-I love unpredictability, but I want to feel that passtion, that want or love for something, that drive for something.
I want things, but i just don't know...I just don't know.

I just want to inspire, I don't care how, or who, I just want to know that I've made an impact on this earth-that I've affected someone's life in a good way, that I've made people smile, that I've helped, that my life won't be wasted. I want to be happy. I want to look forward to going home after work every day, but I also want to look forward to going to work every morning. I don't want to dread. I want to love with everything in me and I want to smile my full-faced sincere smile every day. I want to have reasons to laugh, and I want to give others a reason to smile.

But how do I turn these things into a life plan? What do I want to do? It's all just so overwhelming and embarrassing-that I'm still 'undecided.'

Do You Remember Me?

(10 points if you can guess what song the title comes from...)

"It's a beautiful night/We're looking for something dumb to do."

...can I marry Dianna Agron?
I mean umm, hi blog. It's been decades, or months. Whatever.
When I last wrote I was freaking out over going to Hatlen.
Well, not sure if that was well-warranted or not. When I first got there i hated it-it bugged me so much that I didn't click with anyone/that I couldn't stand my roommate. I literally spent a ton of nights crying in my tiny room wanting things to go back to how they were before Hatlen when I felt less alone.

On the upside, i loved the classes, the freedom and the option to do almost anything we wished during classes. We have living skills(cooking/cleaning/etc), tech, mobility, FA(financial advisory), and optional biking, art, guitar, knitting, and other things I'm not a part of and therefore can't think of.
Well, one day Brandon-our "night manager"(kiiiiind of a joke)-literally dragged me into the hall and itroduced me to this girl named Micah. We instantly clicked and literally spent 3 hours talking in my doorway. We talked ever since, during group events and such, but never really socialized aside from there.

One Saturday I was in the computer lab, starving cause I was being lazy and still hadn't grocery shopped. This new girl Erika was in there, and we started talking about food/how bored we were.
In the next days we kept running into each other during classes-almost literally-and that tuesday she gave me frozen tamales to quench my hunger. (I was living off of carrots and cheese, dudes.) Later that day we had knitting cleb and sat together...and didn't stop talking the entire time. Afterwords, we headed to a local Tquiria and then ordered Chinese, and i somehow got her to watch OTH with me. that was also the day I got my laptop in the mail..good dayy.

We've been inseparable ever since.
She didn't really talk to her roommate at first, it was Micah(isn't that ironic?)
People kept talking about how Micah and I were gonna get together considering we were the two gay kids in the group, but I honestly didn't think so. She was too quiet and 22 and definitely not interested in me.
During a CCB fair we all went too, the threeof us started talking, and a couple of days later they both had living skills lessons at the same thime, and talked me into staying to watch. I watched Micah make fried spam and rice and Erika burgers. We had dinner together, then Micah played/sang for us, then we stayed up until past midnight talking, and I never really left their house again. lol
But seriously, I kept going back, and leaving past midnight.

One alcohol-induced Wednesday things happened, and proceeded to happen once more a few days later, and I definitely wasn't proud of how they'd played out, considering I'd just discovered this new-found-micah-crush of mine, and was sure she had no actual interest in me.

After that we were stuck in this weird in-between phase for almost a month, and I hated it and somehow went along with it because I was falling hard. I was terrified of bringing the status of our relationship up or asking her out, because part of me thought she wasn't interested in actually being with me, and I wasn't a fan of getting hurt. On November 12th she asked me out and things have been so much better ever since.
I would literally rant and cry and complain to poor Erika almost every day, then ask 'did your roommate say anything about me?' before the asking out occurred. She got pretty frustrated with both of us using her as the messenger, but she went along with it and helped us out, I adore that girl.
So basically, I see Erika every day now, and Micah and I are inseparable, and every Hatlen teacher is obsessed with awww-ing and taking cutesy pictures of us any chance they get, and I do enjoy being the star couple...or, half of it.
I hate going on and on about this because I know it sounds lame and gushy to you all, but i am just really really happy, guys. The other night we spent all night out on my patio dancing and talking and drinking Starbucks in the cold and rain, and it's one of my favorite memories ever.
I miss Erika tons(HO NEEDS TO ANSWER HER PHONE), and am far too clingy and don't like the two-week period in which I don't see my girlfriend. I am just head-over-heels and it is pathetic.

I really don't know what to say on the family front...I'm never home. Things don't seem like they've changed much, though, and I'm not sure if this saddens or comforts me, perhaps both.

Today I got to talk to a bunch of people I've missed so much, and it's raining, and everything's all Christmasy, and Glee was the cutest, and I can not stop smiling.
Needless to say, I am much happier at Hatlen now..I now feel like time is moving waaaaay too fast.

I started an internship at the Lighthouse for the Blind in SF for a couple of months...baaaad decision. I mean, I'm all for getting work experience, but my boss makes me wanna gouge my eyes out, and the work all seems so pointless, and I'm glad it's overrrrrr. So yeah, I'm unemployed, that's cool.
I'm starting Berkeley City next month and can't wait..It's driving me crazy to not be in school for so long.

Also my roommate is done with Hatlen on the first of January. OMG, YOU GUYS! Happiness of epic proportions, my apt will no longer look like a pigstyyyyy.

So um yeah, that's my current life.

I hope you all have very merry Christmases filled with loved ones and many smiles
xoxoxoxox

"And if it ends today, I'll still say you shine brighter than anyone..."

Like Passing Notes In Secrecy

Honesty is Honestly the Hardest thing for Me Right Now

Hiii blog. So, I'm bored, hence:
LIFE SITUATIONS

1. If you were to find out you were pregnant what would you do?
2. I’d probably be really calm and not process it, then slowly but surely it’d start to hit me and I’d freak out.
3. 2. Do you trust your friends?
4. I try to
5. 3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the person you love?
6. Depends… …
7. 4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
8. I try to-I think it helps explain things, makes sense out of them…but there are just some things that I can not see the reason for them happening, no matter how hard I look.
9. 5. Name one thing you would NOT tolerate in a relationship.
10. Cheating.
11. 6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best room mate for you?
12. I’m honestly not sure. Hannah were basically roommates last summer, and we both made it out alive…
13. 7. Can you deal with people who are too concerned with status?
14. I can tolerate them in small doses.
15. 8. Are you afraid of falling in love?
16. Terrified, actually.
17. 9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
18. Random does as random is.
19. 10. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new guy/girl?
20. Wait, that actually happens? This makes no sense to me.
21. 11. Name one person from your friends list that you could call on.
22. If they’re considered a friend, then I can call on them and vice versa.
23. 12. From your friends list, who can you call in the middle of the night if you need to talk?
24. Probably Jalapeno. Maybe Crystal.
25. 13. What qualities do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
26. I don’t do opposite sex, buuuut, self-confidence, intelligence, sense of humor, easy-going, musically inclined…
27. 14. Fill in the blank. I will NEVER _____.
28. Change to please you.
29. 15. What are your goals in life?
30. To inspire. That’s all.
31. 16. What can you tell about a person by kissing them?
32. More than you think.
33. 17. When you get married, how would you envision your dream wedding?
34. Something simple, happiness…I don’t even know.
35. 18. If you could say just one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
36. It’s only life. Maybe. I’m not sure.
37. 19. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended period of time, name some people you would want to see around your bed?
38. My family
39. 20. How many kids do you want to have?
40. Three.
41. 21. Would you make a good parent?
42. I would like to hope so…someday.
43. 22. Where was your default pic taken?
44. ….
45. 23. . What is your middle name?
46. Don’t gots one.
47. 24. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
48. I don’t know anymore.
49. 28. Are you musical?
50. GAHHHH I wish.
51. 29. If you could go back in time, and change something, what would you change?
52. Maybe I would’ve tried harder sophomore/junior year, not let myself fall so easily for friendships and crushes with pretty words…but I’m not sure I’d actually want to change those things. Experiences shape you.
53. Shoe size:
54. 7
55. Height:
56. five feet and one inch…
57. What are you wearing right now?
58. Shorts, a Hello Kitty tank top, running shoes.
59. Righty or lefty:
Rightie
Can you make a dollar in change right now: yuppers
Best place to go for a date: The park, a coffee shop, a fair…
FAVORITES
Kind of pants: Jeans.
Number: …16
Animal: Penguins.
Sport: Basketball, more precisely, LAKERS..
Month: November/December
Juice: Appleeeeeee
HAVE YOU EVER:
Bungee Jumped? Nope.
Made yourself throw-up? *sigh*
Eaten a hotdog? Unfortunately.
Played truth or dare? Yep.
Been on a plane? Yessum
Came close to dying? Nopers
Been in a sauna? Nope
Been in a hotub? No
Swam in the ocean? Yes.
Fell asleep in school? Oh yeah
Ran away? Nope.
Cried when someone died? Kinda…
Cried in school? Not in public….
Cried on your way to school? Yeah.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call? Yeah, but who cares, really.
Saved e-mails? Rarely.
Used someone? NO.
WHAT IS:
Your good luck charm? Classs ring
favorite song? "It’s only Life”-Kate Voegele. “Appreciate Your Hands”-Amy Kuney. “Maple Tree”-Angel Taylor. “Tied Together With A Smile”-Taylor Swift. “Who I am Hates Who I’ve Been”-Relient K. “Miracle”-Paramore.
HAVE YOU HAD:
Chicken pox: Yes.
Sore Throat: Hates it.
Stitches: Yupp
Broken nose: Nope.
QUESTIONS??
Who was the last person that called you?
Mah brothahhhh
Who was the last person you slow danced with?
I don’t dance.
Who makes you smile the most?
People
Who knows you the best?
Jose…and a couple of others.
Do you like filling these out?Eh.
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Niether.
Do you like yourself?
…No.
Do you get along with your family?
Depends on the flavor of the day.
ARE YOU
Obsessive Compulsive? No?
Suicidal?
…not anymore.
FINAL QUESTIONS
Hated someone in your family?
I don’t hate, I just dislike immensely.
Gotten any awards?
Oui
Good Singer?
Ahahahahahahahahahaha.
Have a lava lamp?
Duuuuude I want one.
How many remote controls are in your house?
Well, I just counted over twenty off of the top of my head…
What was your last dream about?
Going out with Alice Cullen, then having her family drive me home in a horse-drawn carriage, and the dad giving me a bag of meat to give to my dad…idk
Scary or Funny Movie?
Iether, as long as it’s *actually* scary or funny…most movies fail at both nowadays.
Chocolate or Vanilla?
Vanilla.
Rootbeer or Dr.Pepper?
Dr. Pepper, if I must drink one.
Skiing or Boarding?
SKIING. Forever.
Summer or winter?
I. can. Not. Choose.
II. Silver or Gold?
III. Silver.
IV. Diamond or pearl? Diiiiamonds are a giiiiirl’s best friiiiend.
V. Sprite or 7up?
VI. 7up.
VII. Coffee or tea?
VIII. Coffeecoffeecoffeeee
IX. Phone or in person?
X. In person.
XI. Are you oldest, middle or youngest?
XII. I’s the baybay.
XIII. TODAY DID YOU
XIV. 1. Talk to someone you liked? Umm, yeah? I like a lot of people. Haha.
XV. 2. Buy something? No.
XVI. 3. Get sick? No.
XVII. 4. Talked to an ex? Again, no.
XVIII. 5. Miss someone? Mmhmm.
XIX. 6. Get in a fight with someone? No, thank goodness.
XX. LAST PERSON WHO
XXI. 6. Slept in your bed? Krys, maybe?
XXII. 7. Saw you cry? Mom.
XXIII. 8. Made you cry? J. K. Rowling.
XXIV. 9. Went to the movies with? Father.
XXV. 10. Ever been in a fight with your pet? Hahaha. No.
XXVI. 11. Been to Mexico? Siiiiiiii
XXVII. 12. Been to South America? I wish.
XXVIII. 13. Do you have a crush on someone right now? Yeah, but it’s not working out between me and Ashley Greene. Super bummer.
XXIX. 14. What book are you reading now? Re-reading Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows.
XXX. 15. Your Favorite food? Karne asada, cupcakes, muffins, cheese pizza, In-N-Out fries.
XXXI. 16. How many pillows do you sleep with on your bed? 5
XXXII.

------

Things are okay. I'm going down to Hatlen on the 21st...I have to call about confirming the date tomorrow. The lady in charge scares me. Like, she's super serious and I'm very easily intimidated and just eeeek.
i have less than two weeks to spend in socal...I need to make plans with someone. Come hither, friends from afar.
I'm really excited...and so nervous, but definitely not as nervous as I thought I'd be. I don't think it's really hit me yet. When it does i'll be sure to have a full-blown freak-out.

I hate that doing this is so expensive. Dad's trying to start a career on his own now, so it's almost like my entire family's unemployed. I mean, it's nothing to complain about...we still have everything, we have extra money to spend, it's just something new for my family to actually have to live on a...budget. God, I hate how that sounds. It makes me sound like some unaware rich kid who complains when she can't get her 2109655.00 dollar costum-made shoes or something. I know tons of people have it worse off...or rather, less better off. But I also know that this puts so much stress on my dad and worries my mom-because she overanalyzes and worries about everyyyyything-and I just wish they didn't have to deal with those emotions. I feel like such an inconvenience needing them to pay pretty much everything right now...and I just hope work comes to dad so my parents can actually enjoy life and not worry, because I enjoy watching them laugh.

Obsessions:
"Mine" by Taylor Swift is all kinds of adorable.
Ashley Greene...is a goddess.
In-N-Out fries: We went there for brunch this past Sunday, and I gained a whole new appreciation for those things.
We are the Fallen: Seriously dudes, check. them. out. I saw them live a couple of weeks ago...and Carly's voice? There are no words. It's just ridiculous. Girl can saaaang. Girl's also super gorgeous with the best accent ever, but that's irrelevant.

Later, bloggity blog.

"...But you see the shelter as the storm
Holding wind to keep you warm
You are everything to me
And this is why I have to leave..."

Everybody's Gotta Breathe Somehow

Hi blog. So, I'm 18 now, I guess that's cool and worth noting...kinda, not really.
Let me take a few minutes to do one of my 'OMG my mother sucks and my life is just sooo FML because I'm a dramatic teen at heart' posts.

My mom likes to go on long (I'm talking 20 minutes minimum) rant-lectures on how I'm so quiet and unlikable and therefore have no friends and zero social life. She likes to point out how if I were prettier or cared what other people thought, I'd have tonssss of people to hang out with.
Then, whenever people ask me to hang out with them, I tell her and she acts all confused 'Oh, why are they asking you to do that?' Then she goes on about how they're probably just inviting me out because they feel bad for me or are just trying to embarrass me. Depending on what we're doing, she'll find a way to turn it into 'well you can't do that because you're blind and _____'. If nothing else works, she'll start pointing out how my friends are suuuuch bad influences because they, IDK, have piercings, tattoos...boyfriends, anything that she sees unfit. I told her yesterday that I planned on getting a nose piercing. She informed me that 'only disgusting street girls or lesbians get nose piercings...do you want people to think of you like that?'
I know she doesn't do these things to hurt/offend me, that she thinks she's protecting me or...something, and I try not to let them get to me, but sometimes it just gets to be too much-like today-a I just feel like screaming. I guess I could go out or do whatever without her consent-I mean, she never flatout says 'no', and my dad almost expects me to go out, but...I just hate having her mad at me. She has this way of making me feel like I disappointed her, and I hate that feeling and hurting her and...Sigh. I dunno.
To cancel on M or not...
Aaaand so ends rant.
I think it's time for a jog.

Many the Miles

All these day sfeel like a blur, just passing by one after the other without anything really standing out, without me really doing anything worth telling. That's not necessarily a bad thing, I just hope eventually they become more...eventful.
Well, they will in the fall, when I go off to Hattlan/school, but that's so far off. Idk, I kind of need to be doing something. I feel so unproductive...and as soon as I start doing something, I know i'll probably complain about how much I have to do. I'm strange.
I've decided that trying to figure out my own emotions is pretty pointless, and I've noticed I don't care as m uch as I used too. Though, this all does make for some pretty awesome songs that I'm actually proud of writing.

I feel like taking a long walk on the beach, or a boat ride, or a midnight stroll, or something of that genre. Midnight stroll sounds most appealing at the moment, but that may be because it's umm, midnight.

I have to get up unusually early to spend the day with Krys tomorrow. I'm excited...and nervous. I almost never get to see her, and there's this whole bff then not talking for 3 months that we've got going on. We're just so different, and i guess that's what balances out, makes us work...but idk. She's only there halftime and it's become so hard to trust her...same old story I've been telling for the past 16 months. But I don't want to let go of this friendship.

Idol fanfics are my current addiction: so good, so horrible, wonderfully horrible. Guilty pleasure, for sure. Creepy, creepy guilty pleasure...much like all ffs, in a way.
Pretzel M&Ms are pretty amazing too. I think I like themmore than peanut M&Ms, and you can be sure that was hard to admit.
"Say Goodbye"--Katharine McPhee is. completely. beautiful. The metaphors and the emotion and the story and her voice...just, AHHH.

But you are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing.

Defying Gravity

It's about 11am. It's super sunny and pretty outside, and I'd much rather be out there right now. The only downfall to this weather is the huge amount of bugs that come out...so gross.
My brother's on the treadmill and I'm impatiently waiting for him to finish so i can use it.
Mom and I spent the 4th of July day at the mall, buying clothes I still insist I do not need. (Other than the Paramore shirt, that i definitely needed.) Afterwords we watched Remember Me. It was good because it was so...real. Sad, but so good. And I could tollerate Robert Patinson in this, which wasa plus. We climbed on the roof to watch fireworks when it got dark. We could've just watched from our backyard on lawn chairs like normal people, but I actually wanted to see them and the roof wasn't blocked by trees and whatnot, so I ignored the fact that I could potentially fall and end up severely broken and just chilled...it wasn't bad. I think my dog's scarred for life, but it's okay.

I get to see Carly in a couple of weeks, and that day needs to get here now. Stoked to hear her amazing accent in person. (That's weird...nvm. but seriously) I've never heard of any of the other bands playing, and I haven't looked at the ticket prices because I'm scared, but I'll make it happen.
Volunteering with the animals has been fun, even though I haven't gotten to do much yet.

What I'm obsessing over today may include...
"Adore" by Paramore: I don't even think this needs an explanation LIsten to it and tell me it's not amazing.
Pretzel bites: because they are delish. Even though I find myself wiping off 90% of the sugar while my mom complains that that's the best part.

Uh, the Bachelorette's on tonight...ahem, anyhow. gonna go hurry up my brother. Hope you all have amazing Mondays:)

“I don’t mean to run
But every time you come around
I feel more alive than ever
And I guess it’s too much
Maybe we’re too young
And I don’t even know what’s real
But I know I’ve never wanted anything so bad
I’ve never wanted anyone so bad…”

Who Cares if you Disagree?

Hi. It's 1:30am. I'm wide awake. This situation is a most annoying one when I have to get up early/am superduper bored/no freakin' one is still awake for me to talk (rant annoy) to.

Today was strange. It's funny how sleeping can really clear up your thoughts...make you more content with things, situations. I'm kind of over the angst whatever that took me over last night after I started thinking hardcore about relationships and what I missed and whatnot. Whatever happens happens, and I think I'll just leave it at that.

Family drama has progressed as expected, and alcohol is annoying when it mixes with my dad and moody mother. In other words, brunch tomorrow is gonna suck, assuming we even go out for it. I don't even know, and I really do try not to care. I don't enjoy negative angry people. They bring out the negative annoying fmlmylifesucksraaaaaawr side in me. I figure, the more I can avoid feeling that way, the better. (Though it does help when I wanna write a new poem or song...which reminds me of the guitar I have yet to buy. Those 300 dolars are just waiting, waiting to be spent....it's sad, really. They haven't been able to live out their mission of providing me with a new musical instrument...)

Some Disney show is on in the background(i think it's that sweetlife one where they live on the boat...?) *changes it to Fresh Prince* Ah, that's better.

I was hoping that writing out these incredibly boring things would somehow bore me into sleepiness...i think i'm more awake than before. I've been reading Glee fanfics for the past hour, I don't even...so bored.
Obsessions?
"King of Anything": which, really, has been an obsession since the day it was released. Sarah is a genious, her voice, the lyrics, everything. I love her wording, her bluntness, the way it's so humorous yet can be taken seriously...seriously, I want her writing skill.
Wicked: Which I have been inloveloveloveeee with since I was 13, when our choir sang "For Good" for a music festival. I went to one of the shows last year and it was basically one of the best things I've ever gotten to do. I need a repeat of that. (Although the fact that I'll never get to see it with the original cast still makes me sad...)

This blog is pointless, so pointless. (to publish or not to publish...hmm)

Anyways, gonna go watch this show and read more Glee and bore myself into sleep somehow. HAPPY FOURTH!

Roses are dry, violets are black
And I can be cruel, just like you
Tables have turned, can't help but laugh
Saying we're through, just like you.

And When the World Treats you Way too Fairly

"I’m strong on the strong, not all the way through. I can’t cry in public, I don’t speak my mind, I start laughing when I want to cry, I spend most of my
days waiting for those who end up letting me go too easily. I don’t know who I am. I’m cryptic, and I read too far into things. I cry for no reason, I
get randomly sad. I protect those around me and I leave myself wide open to be hurt. I’m weak. My best friend is my iPod. I’m afraid. I’m too curious.
I can’t keep my mouth shut about things that have to do with who I like, but I can’t allow myself to say what’s really on my mind. I’m easy to hurt, and
when I trust someone enough to let them in, they hurt me more than those who I feel like would hurt me. I miss people too much, and I hate people too much,
and I also love people too much. I never trust anyone completely.

And I’m really not as great as people think I am and I’ll just end up disappointing you in the future."

...Okay, so I'm overdosing on blog posts today (tonight), but this quote appeared on my tumblr dash, and it just pinpointed the only thing that's been bugging me to a tee.
I'm happy, very happy, but...
I don't know, I feel like this undisclosed person basically wrote out how I feel on a daily basis when it comes to interacting with other people. It isn't who I want to be, but it's hard to break free from it. It's scary to let your guard down. It's scary to speak your mind and take responsibility for the aftermath. It's scary to cry and look vulnerable. It's terrifying to get attached to other people, to submerge yourself in their world, because...for me, I'malways so afraid of hurting those I care about. And yet, I feel like I do it regardless.
....I don't know, it's late. I have too much time to think.
Where's your gabbble,
Your jury?
What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me
Well sentence me to another life.

You've got a Piece of me, And Honestly...

Hi again. *waves*
So I'm currently watching one of these ghost shows...and trying to not listen, because I'm already freaking out. Kid ghosts are just...AHHH. I swear I just heard something behind me.

...you think i'm kidding but i'm not.

Anywho, today was alright. Went to lunch with Krys, came home, watched countless videos from the AI tour, then skyped with Arielle for a few...hours. I'm so sad she's leaving for so long. She's one of the people i've grown closest too, and I'll miss that cutie. Seriously, I think we're unbiological sisters. (She's the littler one, of course.)
I ate a fudgecicle (SP?) for the first time today, and probably the last. Way too chocolatey. I need to get my nails done. They are insanely chipped.
So, you know when there's someone you were into for a long time, and then you started to get over said person...and then idk, they kind of re-entered your life, around the same time that they were in your life the previous year, and you start to miss them and stuff? No, it's just me? Cool. Mkay. I don't know if it's just nostalgia, wanting things to be like they were a year ago, or if I'd even be able to let myself fall for said person again, or if they'd even be interested...ughh i de kay. (Falling Slowly just came on iTunes and I'm not sure what it's trying to tell me, but I do not approve. And no, I'm not trying to drown out the ghost story by turning on iTunes. I am not afraid. Not at all. Not. No--omg, what was that?)

Currently trying to decide whether I want to see We are the Fallen or Katelyn this month...if I can't find someone to go to Katelyn's show with, I'll probably end up just watching WATF, which is a bummer, cause I'm dying to see curly too. I've also decided that I'm slowly becoming obsessed with Katie Stevens, who I non-subtly couldn't stand during the actual competition. Sigh. It's easy for people to win me over, i guess.

A new ghost story is starting, I'm actually gonna try to watch. Peace.

I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Iether way I found out
I'm nothing without you.

Don't Waste the Pretty on Pain

Hola July, where the hell did you come from?
Because seriously, like, yesterday it was December and I was in a fluffy hat and uggs that didn't come close to matching, and a few hours ago I was awaiting college letters and AI was starting and it was March, and an hour or so ago it was May and stores put out tank tops and skirts that seem to shrink in length every year, and about half an hour ago I was graduating and sun was scorching and mosquitos were out for the kill in the evenings.

...or, at least, that's how it feels. July seemed so far away...and then, BAM. June flew by in a blur of days that mixed in together all in the 'meh' department.
I'll be 18 this month--which isn't really a big deal because come on, what can you do at 18 iether than buy lottery tickets in the USA?--but still, I suppose it's something to look forward to, if only for the birthday cake...

We had a benifit concert last night for one of our choir singers who has brain cancer. It was a full house, 10 dollar donation per person+silent auction+extra donations+bake sale in the lobby, and I'm so glad that so many people came out to help out this family, despite maybe not knowing the girl personally. I used to tutor her when she was younger, and it's surreal that something like this is happening. I mean, she's doing so well right now, but something like this is so unpredictable and changes day by day, so I'm afraid to be happy right now. A neighbor recently passed away from cancer as well, and she had also been doing extremely well...one complication later, and there was nothing that could be done. I can't even process how much lives change in the blink of an eye due to diseases like this. It makes me so sad and desperate to find something, some sort of cure for them...even though I know I won't, I wish there was a way I could. I watched my grandma go from 100% to irreversable in a matter of weeks, and even though I know so many other people have been affected more deeply, and that life is not fair, I just...I don't know. Humans have so much control, and yet none at all. But I guess it all happens for a reason.
Onto a lighter topic, because it just feels wrong to be so somber when iTunes is playing "here Comes the Sun."
Umm...

I see the american Idols in 44 days. ...And I really wish I wasn't counting down for this. It's embarrassing, really, but their first show was tonight, and I've read through so many pre/post-show interviews, stalked youtube for videos, and it's hard not to be giddy.

I'm in the process of writing out some sort of opinion on the setlist for each contestant to appear on a more Idol-based tumblr post somewhere, but I haven't really gotten past writing out each person's name/song list. Hi, I'm ADD.
Didi Benami: She opened the show with something from the Rescues, which increases her cool factor by a lot. And "Terrified" isn't a surprise at all, but it's a fan favorite, so I guess it helps get them hyped up for the show...and her voice doesn't sound half bad on it iether. I do wish she'd done something acoustic, because slow songs highlight her unique voice so perfectly, but alas, the producers always want upbeat songs to kick off the night.
Andrew Garcia: ...is doing "Straight Up", who apparently everyone but me loves. Then again, I have never been a fan of his. "Sunday Morning" is equally predictable.
Katie Stevens: "Here We Go Again"....really Katie? I mean, I'm thrilled she's covering Demi, since she really needs to do something "younger", but out of all the Demi songs...she chose this? "Fighter" on the other hand, I cannot wait to hear live. Katie's no Xtina, but I'm sure she'll do it justice...
Tim Urban: His songs are...a little surprising, I guess. Not that we'll be able to hear him over the screaming tweens. Sigh. (Now, see, if Alex would have made it instead of him, I would be much more enthusiastic about it...)
Siobhan Magnus: K, first off, this girl could sing the phone book and I'd pay my 50 dollars or whatever to watch her. Secondly, her killer intro+Paint it Black+wail=perfect start to her set. I did not expect a No Doubt song, but it works. And the Muse WAS KILLER. The finishing WAILLLLLLLL on her knees (no sexual inuendo necessary) made the kids go wild. Everyone says she got the best audience response tonight. I could not be happier to be a "siobonbon".
10-6 group number: "The Climb". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...can. not. take. seriously.
Aaron: He has a good voice. Much better than I remember it. Even so, too country and dull for me. The highlight was "Walking ih Memphis."
Michael Lynche: I watched an episode of Man Vs. Food yesterday, in which the dude consumed this 5-pound grilled cheese sandwich with 14 cheeses. Big Mike's set was cheesier than that. He has a good voice, and he's rarely off-pitch, but...it's just not my thing. It's like R&B in the bedroom and at church all at once. So strange. So AI season three.
Casey James: Can I touch his hair? Please? Or, can we trade hair? His Shania cover is probably my fave of his set...but I have yet to see actual video footage. I hope the whole holding notes that sound like a bleating sheep issue has been worked on with 19 Entertainment's vocal coaches. I'm excited for him, nonetheless.
Crystal BowErSox: BRB, dying over the fact that I'll get to hear her do "Come to My Window", "Up to the Mountain", "What's Up" among other things. I just love this woman. I just wish she'd been allowed to play one of her originals, because they. are. amazing.
Casey+Michael duet: I prayed to the AI gods that they would not do it. But they did. Sigh.
(Lack of Crystal-Lee duet: RAGE)
Lee DeWyze: I did not see "The Boxer" on his setlist. Please someone tell me they forgot to put it up. I'm just not excited for Lee.
Closing group numbers: The girls showed up the guys, or maybe I just like that Kelly song more.

...i will now copy+paste that above rant and try to make it sound more intelligent, and then apologize for posting it here. Sorry. Hah.
Anywho, I'm currently trying to decide whether I want to volunteer at the local animal shelter, or an elementary school. I babysit, so maybe animals would be a nice change.
This past week has gone opposite of how I'd hoped, which sucks, but whatever. Better luck next time. New month, new start...I suppose.
Currently obsessed with...
The new McDonald's iced coffees: Because seriously, how can you be a coffee addict and not be. So. good. So so good. And yet....so bad. But still, so good. *inner-thought process every time I go to order one*
"Just Like You"--Allison Iraheta: Perfect 'I'm so over you and this heartbreak BS you put me through' song. If you know me personally, you'll understand why it hit so close to home.
The Bachelorette *mortified look* I'm trying to think of a way to justify this...I don't even know. It was on one day, I was going through AI withdrawals, so I started watching. You know those shows that you just hate so much/are just SO bad, and make you suffer from second-hand embarrassment, yet you can't look away? Yeah. For the record, Ali was my fave on the Bachelor, so I'm glad it was her as the bachelorette instead of one of the others. (Someone make me stop watching, please.) I hate the concept, yet I can't look away. Like one of those bad Youtube covers...

I'm gonna go uh, not fangirl over Crystal's performances.
Until next-pointless ramble-time, blog.
PS: Allison I's acoustic "Don't Waste the Pretty" is pretty obess-worthy in my world too. It just came up on iTunes and I was reminded of this. I don't know why I felt like posting that.
PPS: "New Moon" was way Better than "Eclipse", and Bella and Edward annoy the hell out of me. (Not the actors, the characters. I figure any Twilight fan would've given up on reading this blog somewhere before now, and therefore won't see this and come hunt me down at midnight....)
PPPS: No, nothing is spell checked. No, I do not feel like spell checking. Yes, every spelling/grammar error will drive me insane if I ever read through this...
People change
And will you still be here after today?
Trouble is, I feel like I could win or lose it all
I don't know which way to fall.

'Cause I'm a Gypsy

Freeeeee freeeee free, no one's stoppin' meee meeee meee
...AKA, the Brooke White song I belted out after 5th period on June 4th, when we finished our last class. Forever.

It's weird to think that I literally don't have anything that *needs* to get done as far as school goes. Most past summers, I iether took summer school to get ahead, or was in tons of summer camps, or did STEP...so I had things that needed to get done, and I couldn't just do stuff on a whim for the most part.

Right now I could decide to go out with whoever whenever, and I'd be able to do it without worrying. Not really used to that. I'm used to family plans and school, and having to balance out time for all of those.

I guess babysitting kind of counts as a responsibility, but...not really. It's not a daily thing, and half the time i just take the chipmunks wherever I go. I'm even taking the oldest one SammySam to Katelyn's show, apparently. So that's...cool, I guess. At least it's not Katy Cat, who is uncontrollable, and has apparently decided that she wants to be me when she grows up. She. is. the. cutest. thing. (And not because I'm her role model or whatever...but because she's the tiniest, sassiest little thing. She's got attitude and sarcasm down at the tender age of 4. She's gonna be a fun teenager.)

...I have nothing else to say. I just wrote two semi-crappy songs. I have George Lopez on in the background. I am impatiently waiting for the A/C to turn back on. Ali just texted me and the noise nearly scared me into an early death. Katelyn Epperly just retweeted me...and I'm gonna go die of embarrassment at the fact that she even read that tweet. I really really want a nose piercing...and a tattoo. And maybe another piercing on my ears. And some coffee, which is probably not the best idea at 12:00am.
Buenas Noches

There is Comfort, Sweet Release

Hey blog. How's summer been for you? Hope it hasn't been as boring as mine.
Although, not all of it has been dreadfully boring.

Last week, my parents and I drove up to San Pablo, to visit the Hattlan Center, which they really want me to attend. I was reluctant at first, but after looking at it and talking to some people, I'm warming up to the idea. I hate (HATEHATEHATEHATE) the idea of not going straight to a state college, it. drives. me. insane., but honestly, I feel like this programschoolthingplace'll help me actually be able to like, survive and know how to get things done. I hate asking for help...that's probably what's most difficult about accepting this. And I hate feeling like I'm behind my peers in some way, I've always taken pride in doing just what they did, and showing as little struggle as possible, so it seemed like it was no harder for me than it was for them. And who knows if things have been harder for me, I'm not them, I don't know what they feel.
But, the Hattlan's nice. It's so...mainstream? I don't know, it doesn't advertise being a schoolcentertypething for the blind, it's stationed amidst a normal apartment complex, and there's no way to tell the difference from student apartments and just...everyone else's apartments. It's a sink-or-swim/no-pampering kind of program, and that's the best way to learn, if you ask me. You're only screwing yourself over if you don't learn to do this or that, so that's some good motivation if I should need it. It's not like STEP (which I started a year from yesterday; craaaaaazy), where more sight=more power or whatever, I appreciate that. It's not a super ghetto apartment complex iether, it's actually pretty nice, and the apartments aren't like, miniature ant homes or anything, they're good-sized.
It definitely doesn't hurt that about half the kids there play guitar, and that I met this one girl who's a huge Paramore/Tegan and Sara fan...who also plays guitar, and who made me an awesome Italian lunch when I visited. The people seem nice enough.

Dad and I went in like the sceptics we are, and were impressed. If something can manage to impress us both, then I've gotta believe it's good. Mom's...herself. Not wanting me to go, but she's not putting up a fight, which I am very thankful for. (She's just warning me about rapists 24-7, but...) Dad's not stoked about the idea iether, but he's said many times that I need this, so he's not going to refuse it right when he's finally got me on board.

The entire visit to NorCal was surprisingly fun. Granted, we got a flat tire and spent an hour on the side of a freeway in the middle of nowhere (literally, we had no idea where we were.) It was a little frightening to have huge trucks zoom by about 5 feet from us, but it's all in the adventure. My parents spotted the crazy chicken and casino before we found the apartments (naturally), so we went and ate, and found out Mexico won 2-0, which instantly put us in a better mood. We are damn proud people. We may or may not've been waving a Mexican flag on our car. (Don't judge.)

For the record, we told everyone we came across about our country's win...because I did inherret my total lack of subtlty from them. We spent a few hours touring the center, and I hung out with guitar chick for a while. We filled out forms and signed papers, and I got put on a waiting list, and we shook tons of people's hands, and then I threw on my Lakers hat and we went in search of a decent hotel that wasn't the Motel 6.

...forty-five minutes later, we found one, which was only about 15 minutes from Hattlan. (Directionally challenged family...) Mom had every intention of napping, but it was close to 6, and I think she soon realized that sleeping was gonna be hard to come by. Dad and I were so anxious and into the game it's embarrassing. Christina's National Anthom performance was beautiful(haters back up).

I was so exhausted, that I literally slept through the whole halftime, but awoke right before the game began again. I was certain we were gonna lose...until the 4th quarter, during which dad and I couldn't sit still. i'm willing to bet mom was thinking of the best way to subtly push us out of the 3rd story window. Eleven seconds left we were still on edge. Then Los Lakers won, and we headed out for pizza and stuff to celebrate. I was bummed we couldn't be in LA for our team's win, but this was alright too. The win kind of put the cherry on a really good day. Mom and I headed to Starbucks then back to our room for a night of George Lopez, while dad (after mom practically forced him) went to a casino for a little while, then joined us.

The next morning we watched the US game (by 'we' I mean dad and I, while mom kept saying she enjoyed it, even though she was only awake for about 5 minutes of the game...). We packed up and drove home.

It was all fairly simple, but it was nice to have a day with my parents, no arguing, no nothing, I was really happy.
So I guess I know what I'm doing come whenever I get into Hattlan, but all this extra time drives me crazy. I feel like I should be doing something useful. I mean, I babysit when I'm asked, but I want to do more...work. Something. Though I do like the ability to be spontaneous right now. I could just go anywhere anytime and not really have any responsibilities...when will I ever get a chance like that again?
Summer also brought concerts. Insaaaaaanely pumped for Saturday. :) Also excited to see Katelyn (SQUEEEEEE) Epperly right before my birthday...and the fact that I get to meet her isn't half bad iether. The fact that I get to meet this season's AI top 10 then go to their show in August is pretty sweet too. And the Tegan and Sara/Paramore show in Sept isn't all that bad iether. Oh, and apparently mom and I are going to Shakira...? Okie doke. I'm down with her.

Current obsessions: Vegichips. Seriously. They. are. amazing.
Slushies. It's summer. They are cold, and sweet, and magically delicious.
"Lullaby" by Didi Benami. I tried not to like her...and then she released a beautiful song like this. Damn you. It's not that the lyrics are so profound, but there's something about a couple of lines that just triggers something in me, makes me stop and listen. "One by one, they left you more shattered, than before..." (About trying different, harsh ways to deal with pain. About each of those self-harming trials hurting you more in the end.)
"You're his baby, Let him hold you."(About letting another person hold you--not just in the physical sense, but emotionally. Letting yourself fall into their arms, trusting that you're theirs. This line hit me especially hard...it's so hard for me to really believe someone. To actually not doubt someone. It's terrifying, actually. It's probably bad and pathetic that this line makes me tear up...annnnnd probably equally pathetic that i admit this.)

This is insanely long, so I will stop writing.
"There is hope
There is peace
There is comfort;
Sweet release."

The story goes that forever's in our hearts...

One of the worse feelings there is is helplessness. Seeing someone else hurting and not being able to fix it. Closely behind, in my opinion, is the feeling of guilt.

There are people around me that I see suffering, people that I care about. There's not a thing I can do to help, and I'm not sure they even want any help. They're entitled to that for sure, but it just sucks seeing someone you care aoub hurting...and just sitting back. It drives me insane.
Going along with that, I feel bad for being so happy. Things are wonderful right now, and I want to embrace it all I can, but I feel so guilty when I look at others...I wish I could make them look at their situations from a different standpoint, a more optimistic one, but that's not possible. *sigh*

Other than that nagging feeling, things are great. It still hasn't really hit me that I'm out of highschool...and I don't know if I want it to yet. It's frightening, it's like you're released into the world and you have to make things happen on your own.

I'll miss the tea and 'Party Tuesdays' in English, the amazing people in my French class and our combined whackiness, choir and theatre...everything about those two, gossip and ranting in journalism.

I'm going up to San Pablo on Thursday to visit the Hattlan Center for the Blind. I've accepted that i'm not gonna win against everyone that wants me to take a semester off and attend this, so I might as well get as informed as I can. On the upside, there's a community college across the street from the apartments, so I'm gonna make them let me take at least part-time classes there, because I will go insane if I just didn't study for half a year. I always said I'd never attend a community college, and I did get into some schools. but honestly there's no other way around this. Trying to embrace the idea.

I'm actually pretty excited about this roadtrip. We're touring SF on Friday, and we're going out for dinner and daddy and I are watching the game Thursday, so it looks like it'll be fun.
Today was pretty awesome, in a simple way. It consisted of jogging and good music, twitter @replies from Katelyn (Idol contestant-squeeeee iloveherrrr) Epperly, and Ashley, another AI contestant that I somehow tricked into replying to me. Made me happy. Then we had a fabulous dinner, and dad and I watched the game.
You get two opinionated people like us watching a show together and it automatically = headache for anyone else in the room.

Hope all your days were glorious as well. Happy summer 2010.

This is My Graduation Day

It's something past 1am, and I'm sitting in front of my open window. The birds are chirping absurdly loud right outside (it is one. am. why. are. they. doing. this?), and there's a chilly breeze coming through the screen that just feels perfect. Somewhere beyond I can also hear the frogs and crickets from the creek behind our house, and the freeway not far from our street.

Other than that it's dead quiet, minus my typing fingers, snores from different family members, and the occasional crack or creak from a wall.
Everything feels so peaceful right now.

I need to go to bed soon, seeing as I have to get up in 7 or 8 hours, but I really don't want to ruin this moment.
Tomorrow(today)'s gonna be filled with rushing and primping and large groups of people and probably some arguing and drama and all that annoying stuff. I'm trying to tell myself that everything's gonna run smoothly; that the two sides of my family won't tear each other apart, and that I'll get to graduation on time and not do something stupid like, I don't know, trip onstage, or blink when they take the picture...maybe not worrying would be a start?

I can't believe school's done. I have vivid memories of kindergarten; that small wooden picnic table where I'd sit and eat my cheese-and-crackers. I remember those twins coming up to me almost every day and asking for a cracker. I remember naptime and finger painting and hanging pictures on hooks outside the class to dry. I remember mornings spent getting hair braided, cleaning glasses, drinking carrot juice, listening to 'Julio' on repeat on my brothers' walkmans, riding around the yard on my bike and trying not to get bitten by our rooster, our immense amount of chickens and hens, afternoons spent learning to read both print and braille/write braille with Mrs. Keyson(Pastel, back then), baths with those waterbabies, stuffed animal playtime, and watching Nick Junior (I loved Franklin...i think he was a turtle?)...and then I remember random things from the 12 years that brought me to here.
Watching novellas on weeknights, loving math and spending hours on it for fun, learning braille contractions(where my hatred for flashcards first began), drawing pictures, writing stories, trying to master the printed Q and G/J, dodge ball tag and capture the flag, those elementary school olympics, milk cartons and pizza sticks, Rugrats and Pokemon, barbie dolls and my Kelly collection, meeting Jalapeno, German caroling, the Santa breakfast, my first year of choir, my first singing role in a play, community theatre, Goddess Athena, trying endlessly to "misplace" my horrid lunchbox (how'd it get on the roof of that classroom? I have nooooo idea.), Isadora Quagmire, Series of Unfortunate Events, lemon heads, those Pringles with the funfacts printed on them, Michael starting mrine training, endless family turmoil, tears and naive laughs, my bunny, that frog, the starfish i had for a day, the Helen Keller speech, my first best friend turned 'enemy', Josie's turtles, Burger King after school, my first babysitting experience, the rock climbing wall at the braille olympics, horseback riding, camp Bloomfield, Outdoor School, the DARE Dance/graduation, TRL, getting my first taste of the teenage angst/depression that kept re-appearing, first Hilary Duff concert, winning radio Disney prizes, American Idol (kellykellykelly), jolly jumpers, birthday parties, pinatas, barbecues, the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, our elementary "graduation" and being suuuuper upset that mom didn't go, walking home and to school every day, countless sprained ankles, falling and scraping a knee or elbow regularly, actually wanting braces because I wanted to look more like Eliza Thornberry...
And in middle school things felt pretty much the same...there was a TONNNNN more of that teenage FML angst going on, still being a math pro, discovering a love for poetry/lyrical writing, finding it harder to "fit in", more TRL, makeup, dying hair, cutting hair super short, Meeting Krys and Ivie, having things to do on Friday nights, getting yelled at constantly at movie theaters, those old ladies that hated us, Marshals, first rock concert, Jack in the Box, discovering MySpace, my wardrobe consisting of 90% clothes with skulls on it, becoming HSM obsessed, Harry Potter obsessed too, meeting one of the Spy Kids and Raven Simone, a lot more choir and plays, learning about WICKED and RENT, watching all those 80's classic movies for the first time, Gilmore Girls love, Starbucks fraps, sleepovers, being really sad to leave Colina, Promotion, more Camp Bloomfield, hiking, smores, campfires, talent shows, dances...
And high school? Well, I documented a lot of that here....
Having to deal with a teacher i really did not like, actually starting to really dislike math (thanks, geometry), loving lyrics and poetry more and more, whacky pictures with Krys and the girls, getting kicked out of stores or theaters, midnight sleepover snacks, baking cookies for Crys's home ec class, straightening Ivie's hair, more Hil Duff shows, meeting AJ Michalka (I did not spell that correctly...) at a verizon store, pumpkin spice lattes, discovering that I was weirdly obsessed with gay rights issues, more choir, San Diego trip (Shamooooooo), festivals, theatre life, sleepovers around Christmas, no longer braiding my hair, Moose getting bigger, getting teeth pulled, getting braces taken off, opening that e-mail with "No Good" as an attachment, buying my first "Don't Look Away" copy, using that music to help me get through bullying and such, watching all previous seasons of One Tree Hill over the 07 fall, growing apart from some of my closest friends, Jalapeno moving to Louisiana, getting closer with Z, joining YESSI, "THe Outsiders", "Bean Trees", writing a paper on Mean Girls, accepting that guys weren't really my cup of tea, seeking new friends a la internet, meeting Kate at that instore on July 7 08, going to my first Kate/Veronicas/Natasha show, hearing about Twilight, staying up insanely late, horror movies, boat rides, hikes, a plethora of Kate-Amy shows, a blur of homework and performances, meeting people that have changed my life so much, piercings and long hair again, journalism, more and more and more American Idol, more and even more One Tree Hill, trying sushi, STEP...I don't know where this last list begins and ends; I feel like it's still being written, but it's really not. High school is done, and it's insane.

I don't expect anyone to read through that...it was just a sort of personal documentation kind of thing.
But if you do happen to read, disregard any spelling errors, it's uhh, past 2am now. yawn.

It Doesn't Matter who you Are-We all Have our Scars

studystudystudystudy...it's about that time of year, when you obsessively cram for finals and have miniature mental breakdowns when you realize everything you have to cover during the two remaining days of school.
In the past hour I have, read this French lecture over and over, typed it into google translator in hopes that it would make more sense (fail, google, such fail), contemplated iether burning or shredding this entire book...in other news, I took my chemistry final today, it was surprisingly easy. Just gottan finish a unit test and turn in a lab, and I'll be done with chem forevers. We're watching a movie in English, so who knows if she'll come up with something for us to do for our final, she still wasn't sure this morning...annnnd the final's tomorrow. (Welcome to grade 12 AP english lang, where we get nothing done all year.) I have to analyze a song in Music App, and I think I'm gonna go with a cover of "Falling Slowly", only because it has all the elements I need to use for the analysis. Theatre final was basically "Curtains", so that one's out of the way. We have to choose something to sing solos of in choir...I have no idea what I'll be doing. I'll probably just wing it, kind of like I did with "Terrified" during our concert last week. I'm completely done with econ, and journalism'll be a breeze. We have two unit tests left in French...one tomorrow and one Friday. Madame O forgot to teach us most of the material for them, so we have to self-teach ourselves tonight. And I have to take the French final at some point too. Please please higher power, let me get a C in that class...I'd almost be proud of even that accomplishment.

Anywho, this was just a way for me to procrastinate and vent. I'm done now. And So You think You Can Dance is about to start, so I'm gonna go grab some coffee and watch with mama. (I MISS YOU, AMERICAN IDOOOOOOOOL. And by that I mean, I miss youuuuuu, CRYSTAL BOWERSOX AMAZING PERFORMANCES.)

Halfway to crazy; Not Far From Sane

Oh right...I have a blog. Hi, blog, how've you been? Life been treatin' ya good?
Good, good, I'm glad. So, have you heard the one about the super stubborn yet clueless kid that thought she had everything perfectly planned out...only to have it all go completely wrong, forcing her to change and conform and let go of some of that pride? Well, in a nutshell, that's been my life as of late. And yet, despite things not being at all what I had originally wanted, I'm really really happy with what's been happening. Not necissarily happy with my plans for the future, but what has to be done has to be done...I guess. And as for the present, some things are going wrong, things I never expected to go wrong, but overall it's all good.

Nothing amazing has happened, but it's the little things that keep me going. Finals are this week (EEEEK), and Friday's my last. day. of. high school. (YAY. WHOAAAAA WHAT!??)
I graduate next Thursday...surreal times ten.
Dad wants to get me a nice guitar as a graduation gift...here's hoping I actually learn to play it. It would be so nice to be able to make melodies for all the lyrics I write.
Our last school production "Curtains" closed a couple of weeks ago...it's nice to not have rehearsals/shows every evening, but I'm gonna miss theatre so much. The stage, and just the freedom to come out and act so out there, to channel my energy into that, to put myself into a character's life and live vicariously through her. To come out afterwords and take the bows with the cast and have 500 people clapping below us...I'm not trying to sound conceded by that in any way, it's just such an imense rush. And, our last concert/chamber/jazz/show choir/mads (we have five chorus groups...yup) show was Thursday...something else I'm gonna miss. Who knows how much of this theatre and singing stuff I'll do after high school, so it's pretty sad to see it all end.

This Wednesday journalism also put out our last paper of the year. (Senior Lancer Eddition: Pokemon. We represent cool.) Journalism was so fun. I loved being an entertainment editor, getting to write about undiscovered artists, and getting to review shows and albums and concerts. I think I became (in)famous for the weekly American Idol reviews and elimination opinion pieces. Writing things on Kate, Amy, and OTH was also pretty awesome. Coincidentally, Idol ended on the day that the last opinion piece for AI was due. Perfect timing, Fox, thank you. Although, I'll miss playing cynical hater and over-judging every performance on Tuesday nights (I want that minute and a half back. Is she related in any way to a tabby cat? That performance's gonna go down in the worst of the worst history...probably this season's best accomplishment to date. He should be sued for animal abuse after that Hound Dog performance.) ...yup. And I'll also miss iether being super happy or super enraged at every elimination (Katelyn and Lilly, top top 5 contendors, got eliminated befor the top 12, and now the world is really ending. Lacy's gone...and it's sunny out today, in today's eddition of predictable news. Truly, Paige was voted off about halfway through that performance, but they just had to wait 'till today to make it official. The third girl out of six goes home, in this so-called girls season, and wi lose one more authentic talent. The judges save our resident heavyweight, and I dread the sure-to-happen early ouster of one of their favorites...and hope Mike gets voted off next week during the double-elimination, just to rebalance the universe. Finally a guy goes home many weeks too late, and hound dogs and humans rejoyce in unison. Katie gets sent home, Crystal and Siobhan cry their eyes out, Tim's safe, and I stare blankly inconfusion. Tim finally goes home...yup, it finally happened. AMERICA FAILS, and the quirky glassblower from Cape Cod gets voted off, as many fans post outraged twitter updates, Aaron and Mike breathe sighs of shocked relief, and the judges regret that wasted save. Aaron gets sent home, and well, there's not much more to say on the matter. Mike gets sent home-for the second time-and nobody is surprised. Casey of the pretty hair and cougar appeal gets sent home, in the most predictable top three results show in Idol history...and the mom and paint salesman get to battle it out for the confetti shower and sure-to-be-corny coronation song. MamaSox loses to the BeLeevers...American got it horribly wrong for the second year in a row.)
...My journalism hour was spent writing things like that. It was so much better than doing work that's for sure.
Eight more tests, and I'll be done with school...and off to more unknown mysteries. Ridiculous. Crystal's "SandMan" just started playing, and I think that's my iTunes' way of saying that I need to go to bed.

You're Playing With Fire

A comment dad made tonight hit me hard.

It was about people who don't take care of everything and end up screwed eventually...and he used me as an example of someone who basically screwed up her future.

It sucks, mainly because it's so true. Most of what's happened lately is completely my fault--the slacking off last year, the less than good SAT scores, the lack of community service, the minimal school club involvement...all things I could've worked on, but wasn't smart enough to, apparently.
And now I'll be lucky to go to a university at all. Dorms in the only one I might go to are scarce, and if I can't get into one, then I basically can't go to that school.

And my parents really want me to go to a community college, and I know the primary reason for this is because they don't think I'm ready to take on living on my own... I always said I'd go straight to a four-year school, and I used to have a good plan as to what I wanted to do...and it's embarrassing for even myself to accept that there's a very good chance that none of this'll be happening.
I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to admit to all those teachers that expect so much from me, to all the people who told me I couldn't go to a 4-year school out of high school...I don't want them to be right, but I let them be.
just...idk, pointless post. It just hit me tonight and it's freaking me out.

Come Together

Have you ever taken the time to think-really think-about how expansive the world is? About how many people live in it; how many stories, songs, books, lives, experiences it holds? I ponder this often, and it's fascinating and overwhelming and a little disheartening to me all at once. It's so wonderful that there is so much out there, that learning is never really over, that there's something else waiting to grasp my attention and draw me in at any given moment. But at the same time, I find it disappointing that I'll never actually be able to hear every story or every song, to meet every person and be drawn in by each's experiences. I want to.

I wish there was some job that revolved strictly around travelling near and far, interviewing and getting to know any random person, listening to any and every song, reading through every book...

There's just so much out there. Maybe I'm weird, being so interested in everyone else's likes, dislikes, influences, and experiences, but I always have been. Maybe that's why I love reading through/watching interviews, and taking in every new piece of information the artist speaks of. I like when the singer at a concert tells an anecdote about his or her day, or an experience I didn't previously know about...it's just so fascinating to me, no matter how ordinary it is. I like talking to friends...bringing up random stories about each other's lives, families, random experiences of the past...I get so drawn in. I like those corny get-to-know-me features before some like, American Idol-or whatever other reality show-has before each performance with random little tidbits.

I don't know what I'm trying to say by this post. I just want to experience everything-if not through me, through someone retelling a tale. I want to visit everywhere, taste, touch, hear everything under the sun. I know that's not possible, but I strive to do as much of it as possible. Someday. Somehow.

Nothing's Gonna Change My World

I'm in love with Siobhan Magnus's studio version of "Across the Universe. in. friggin. love. New Kate and Amy songs always reach very high numbers of plays on iTunes very quickly...and it appears that this girl's songs have the same effect. But this song is just so purdyyyy.
Anyways, that was just a paragraph of me fangirling and squealing via words, in an effort to spare my cousin, who's sitting behind me on my bed, happily typing away on my green laptop, and probably wondering why I can't shut the hell up about that girl with the pretty rocker hair. And then there's the fact that any outbursts of giddiness would probably wake up my aunt, who's sleeping on a makeshift bed next to me on the ground, snoring away. We all know you snore, tia, accept it.

Spring break has progressed as expected. I've stayed up far too late doing nothing daily, and gotten up past noon on the daily. I've gotten no homework done thus far (chemistry and English say whaaaaat?), and I've gone out to random places on a daily basis. Despite the unplanned extended stay of the aunt and cousin, things have been good, and many laughs have been had.
Picking out moments that stand out every day helps me go to bed happy, and makes me feel like I actually accomplished something that day, no matter how untrue that statement may be.
Today it's a toss-up between coffee with the family, good midnight conversation, or this lovely rendition of "Across the Universe."
The only real downfall was my mom and her constant bad mood, but I've learned that avoiding her and keeping my mouth shut works wonders when not trying to get into screaming matches(aka, all the time). I just wish she'd learn to lighten up, take jokes, see past this little box of comfort she's locked herself in, understand that every person is different, and that that's okay...that people make their own decisions and that not everybody shares her ideas and morals, and that in not doing so, they are not immediately doomed to be life failures. But alas, we can't always get what we want. We're all different, what can you do but accept it?

...and looking back on those last sentences, I see my hypocritical side coming out full-blast.
In other news, it's April? What the hell? When did that happen?
And it's 3:00 AM? Well...okay then. Maybe I should go to bed.
...hahahaha right.

Across the Universe

I posted this here:
http://www.wassheworththismess.tumblr.com
but I was bored and decided to show it some love via Blogspot as well, and hence, a pointless nonsense AI review, in all its bias midnight rambly glory.

1: Crystal Bowersox: Girl’s got an amazing voice on her, and week by week she’s consistently one of the few contestants I actually look forward to watching.
There really isn’t anything I didn’t enjoy about her performance. and the MammaSox nickname did win me over a little more too, not gonna lie. She’s just
so cute and very talented.

2: Lee DeWyze: I constantly spell his last name incorrectly. Lee…he’s growing on me. He’s by no means a personal favorite, but he’s got a good voice, and
you can’t deny that he’s done pretty well the past couple of weeks.

3: Katie Stevens: …Did that just happen? Did I actually get through a Katie performance without feeling the strong urge to punch her in the face? She killed
this song, and I hate to admit that she both sounded and looked very very good. This is painful, guys.

4: Siobhan Magnus: I considered placing Casey here instead, but I have a soft spot for this quirky girl, so I decided against it. Not my favorite performance,
but I liked how it was so different from what I expected. I liked seeing so much vulnerability from her, which I hadn’t really ever seen before. Her breakdown
when talking to her sisters was precious; I teared up, not even gonna lie. A lot of people thought that moment was super corny, but there’s just something
about that and her that I just adore…

5: Casey James: Probably the only other contestant that I fully paid attention too. His best performance since the top 12 shows started, IMO, but I don’t
know..there’s just something about him that I’m not feelin.’ I was a huge fan during those middle shows…but it just kind of faded. It was pretty good,
though.

6: Michael Lynch: He’s fine…he can sing fine…his performance are never Paige Miles bad, but I just get bored. Some are corny, some are just good…but that’s
about it. Truthfully I only watched about half of his performance.

7: Tim Urban: He actually didn’t suck as much as I had expected him too. This, however, definitely doesn’t mean that I *enjoyed* his performance. He needs
to GTFO, if you ask me.

8: Aaron Kelly: Archie’s miniature twin? I don’t know…it’s all just so preschool. I enjoyed that little segment where the others talked about him ten times
more than I enjoyed his actual performance…or, the pieces of it I actually paid attention to.

9: Andrew Garcia: Why, just WHY? Why that song and that arrangement  and that suuuuuuuper corny performance? ‘nuff said.

Remember the good ‘ol days when there was only one or two contestants fans dreaded?

Honestly, I watch primarily for Crystal, Siobhan, and now Lee, I guess. Sometimes Casey. Usually Katie, but only cuz I’ma hater who likes to constantly
complain about her. (tonight was an exception…twiiiiilight zone)

…i couldn’t sleep. this laughable excuse for a review happened.


Is my Siobhan/Crystal favoritism and Tim/Katie annoyance evident? hah.
Life's been so-so. The cousin and aunt are stuck here until the weekend, at least, which is both good and bad. I'd like to have some of my spring break to myself, but at the same time it's nice to have people to keep me entertained. I just hope everybody down in the homelands is okay/hope the earthquakes cease asap.
Getting rid of this cold would also be a plus in my life, but that's irrelevant.

It just happens every day

Someday I'll take the time to put together a blog post worth reading.

...Tonight is not that time.
Life's been good and bad and normal, and I'm as confused as ever as the world spins madly on...
College=I have no idea what the fuck I'm gonna end up doing

Things I've learned= Making plans is basically pointless.
Letting go can be pretty easy if you do it slowly.
Laughing really does relieve quite a bit of stress.
Caring what others think always brings you down, and blocking them out and continuing on feels amazing.
Never expect anything from anyone without a legitimate reason, and you will have hundrdeds more pleasant surprises.
I tend to have a completely different personality outside of the school gates.
I can be rediculously critical when watching American Idol or any similar singing shows.
I obsess over things and people like none other.
I am so blessed to have the couple of true friends, and I'd go completely insane if not for their presence.
Smiling despite the situation lets me go to bed with a clearer mind.
My dreams are psychotic.

Carry on and on and on...

Realization
Or, sort of. The climax of one I guess...or maybe just a different prospective/state of mind--what's the difference, really. They both affect a person similarly.

Hi, I make no sense, am sleep-deprived, and have been laughing too much/saying the stupidiest things all day. So, all in all, it has been a good day indeed. In a way, all these few previous weeks have been so too.
I mean, some things still suck and blah, but whatever...I've kind of realized, that...I just...honestly really don't care. I mean, I care about my grades, about college, about my family, and about a few special ones in my life, but...other than that, I just want to be happy.
I've let go of some people who I used to care about a lot, but who, honestly, have changed so much, that I just can't even honestly tell them that I care anymore...because, it's just too much negativity and judgement and two-faced disguises and fakeness to keep up with. You might know who you are, and you might not, but irregardless I'm done with trying to keep caring for you and your opinions which have never been said straight to my face.

I do complain, about a lot of things, too much, and it annoys even me, but isn't that what a blog is for? Just for me..to vent and rant nonsensically about stupid stuff that's bothering me at that precise moment; no matter how insignificant? I think so.
I will most likely continue to rant later on in this blog, but, I don't know...despite things that have gone astray recently, I can't manage to stay angry or upset for more than a little while. There's always that little person or thing they do to make it all better...even if they're not trying. I rant and rave etc on this or tumblr, then, right after, laugh at how stupid I was for giving a f*ck.

...'cause I'm just trying to be---happy.
adios

I'd Still Side With Love

All it really is is a roller coaster, too me, who is deathly afraid of roller coasters, but loves the rush.
Life tosses and turns, and half the time you don't know what's coming and from where, and you're clinging on, wanting it to stop, or at least slow down, and you feel like it's never going too. In that moment, it feels like whatever's making you turn and toss about isn't ever going to let up, and you panic and freak out. You cry or scream or are afraid. And then, suddenly, it stops, or slows. Like the end of one of those super fast rides at Knotts Berry Farm. And then you feel so relieved, and relaxed. And part of you is paranoid about the next jolt that is still unseen, but part of you feels like, if you survived that last one, this one should be alright. And sometimes, you're soaring, like that glider ride at California Adventure, and you're just...floating and happy and unaware. It's funny how quickly one emotion can completely change, kind of like how one ride can stand still one moment, and be turned upside-down in 2.5 seconds.

That's kind of how I look at the last week, I'm just waiting for the rollercoaster to stop for a sec, a loll would be nice.
I haven't cried as much as I did today in a while, and it's annoying because it's really self-pity and agrivation, and things that just feel so magnified right now, and things I should've been over and that I should've let go of a long time ago.
But it's okay, because the birds are chirping, and the sun's shining super bright, and that alone has the capacity to make me smile. And school's going okay, and I saw the amazing Kate Voegele and Colbie Caillat the other day, and Kris and I are kind of growing closer again, and this should be more than enough to make up for all the bad.
I have a strong desire to just go lay in the grass out back. Just, lie there, under the shade of that huge tree in the middle of our yard, with the sun beyond me, and the breeze that's just the right temperature. I just want to relax there for a while, close my eyes, and just listen to the birds chirping, and the breeze through the trees, and the dogs and cars that are nearby. Just close my eyes and not have to think about anything. Maybe I'll go do that now...

Gone Away Are the Golden Days

...Because it's not always who says it that's the point. It should be, and somethings shouldn't matter, but it's near impossible to control your feelings. Or maybe it's just so for me. Someday I'll learn to just not give a fuck. I want lessons on brushing things off, especially things like that. But I suck at it. And I suck about being subtle about how much it hurt, evidently. I didn't need that to happen, especially not after that other thing. It shouldn't matter. But, I'll just keep my mouth shut for a while; a long while.
Currently trying to pretend today didn't happen. Maybe it'll work, like in 1984, where all ou have to say it is so, and something officially never happened. Wouldn't it be nice to have the doublethink capability ...no, it wouldn't, not for the most part, but at moments like this it would definitely make things easier. And what really hurts the most, as much as I hate to admit it, is that they were telling the truth...and there's really no getting by that. I want an identity change...do they sell those yet? Is there an app for that?

Hello Seattle

that title = the song that has been stuck in my head all day. I finally bought some Owl City stuff...and it's pretty awesome.
I don't have anything to say...

Things are as per usual. Social aspects at school suck, but the academics are good, family's...all still alive...and not much else has happened.


Valentine's Day is coming up...it really sucks when you don't have anyone to share it with. They don't even have to be a significant other; they could just be a friend or something...the only close in-person friend I have is moving to Colorado a couple of days before then. This is so not okay...I might kidnap her.

There's stuff I want to rant about, but honestly I don't feel like it. Despite it all, I've been in a really cheery mood for the past few days. I kind of feel like I'm in control of things for once...and it's a nice change.
I get to see Kate/Colbie in a WEEEEEEEK, so that was basically the icing on the cake.
Currently texting Ali, reading 1984, and half-watching the Notebook.
I just did my nails...five layers of this cheap polish later they look semi-okay. Fail.
I'm just giddy and excited ang good...and idk. I just want to tell certain people to fuck off, that would basically complete this mood of mine, but I won't do that...far too shy.
I'm gonna go finish this chapter now. Hope you're all doing well blogger-reading folk. :)
xoxo

It's a silly time to learn to swim, When you start to drown, It's a silly time to learn to swim, On the way down

Pitter-pat.
It’s raining again, I’m not complaining. There’s something about the rain. I know I’ve said it tons of times, but still, it just amazes me. I don’t know what it is. It’s so hopeless, sad and depressing, and yet, it’s just so…peaceful in a way, and happy, cheery.

I’m not making sense, I’m completely aware.

I’m currently sitting in my darkened room, it’s all silent, and I’m listening to the rain hit the roof…it’s a fast-moving pattern, an unavoidable constant splatter, with the occasional thump of some larger raindrop, and the drizzle of the loose water running down my window.
I can’t really pinpoint why I love the rain so much. I love that it’s just…blunt, if that makes sense. It’s unavoidable. It falls, with no regard for who or what it pelts and covers in its water. It doesn’t stop for anyone, and comes and goes as it pleases. Yet, at the same time, it doesn’t hurt; at least not directly. It purifies, clenzes, grazes and splashes, but not directly does it cause real pain. You could argue that it does, but…I like to believe that those are, indirect consequences.

There’s something so liberating to me about standing in the rain. Without a raincoat or an umbrella, just letting the droplets bounce off you, and drench you. It just makes me feel free in a way. I can’t really explain it. Sometimes I wish I could lie on the roof at night, as the rain fell, just for a little while. I have no idea why, and I know it makes me sound insane, but I’d just like to do that. I’d like to be able to bask in it, to feel it’s massive power, it’s control. The way it comes from so far away, so far above, so far below, and lands on my hand, face, in my hair. The way that water has probably travelled everywhere, and seen so much, so to speak. I wish I could be like it; landing in a new place and a new experience all the time.

And there’s just something about the sound of the rain; whether it’s hitting a roof or the cement below your feet. It’s such a peaceful yet, not so peaceful noise. It’s almost intimidating at times, and yet it lolls me and relaxes me. I love listening to it as I fall asleep, or waking up to it in the middle of the night. It makes me feel calm and it makes me smile. It makes me want to dance in the wrai; it makes me want to cuddle with someone I love, to hold them close and just lay there without saying a word. It makes me want to drive in a car, eyes closed, and gentle music in the background, as the water hits the automobile and creates that sound. It makes me want to let go.

…I have no idea where that ramble came from,.And yes, I’m aware of the fact that it makes me sound a liiiittle psycho, and that it probably makes no sense. It just came to mind, so I wrote it. So yeah…
anyhow..
. things are going okay. Finals are this week; guess who’s not excited? I kind of am, actually. I just want this semester to be over; I want a new start.
Life is…life. Nothing has really changed. I’m still pining over someone I know I’ll never get to be with, which, btw, is a really stupid, painful thing to do. It kinda sucks. Oh, and that tiny schoolgirl crush, yeah, it’s am major crush now, and it needs to stop. ASAP. And that’s more than enough relationship talk for one blog.
Goodnight, bloggers

Every Word Feels Like A Shooting Star

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know? ~Ernest Hemingway”

I know dude; i know.
The only problem is, sleep is hard to come by when there are three trillion things swirling around your mind...little tiny insignificant pieces of things falling apart, and effed up emotions, and worry and confusion, and excitement, and guilt, and...IDK. it's all just chillin within the confines of my brain.

feel like this blog makes me sound like a potential mental hospital ...person.
I begged dad to talke me to a concert tomorrow. he didn't quite say no, he's been trying everything to postpone worky things so he can take me, but i don't even wanna go anymore. Not true, I still do want to go, but it's not worth the guilt. I saw how exhausted he was, and I feel terrible for asking for so much. it's not right or fair. I'm such a selfish person.

And is it me, or is everyone falling into one of those lovey dovey relationships right about now. it's probably just me. I mean, they say you always see what you don't have; if you're trying to eat healthy, someone always seems to be eating a donut. If you're super thirsty, all you see are vending machines and lemonade stands...IDK. something like that.
I don't know what else to tell you. School is okay, getting better academically speaking, socially the same. Family's...family. i block them out. College acceptance(rejection) letters have yet to arrive. We have finals next week. I need a manicure, and to dye my hair. I need to go somewhere...anywhere.

I basically live here now:

http://www.daisdreamer.tumblr.com

I'd Rather Forget and Not Slow Down

So agrivated. and I don't even know why.
I have problems. It's just been one of those days... one of those days when everyone seems rediculously annoying, everyone seems to be talking too much, everything seems dull or depressing or just not amusing. I hate these days. and I hate that it's just my state of mind that causes them; it's not the actual events. If I really wanted to, I could change them...make myself think they were better. I wouldn't lash out at people for no reason. and i don't, not really. I just don't...talk. I just avoid all conversation and don't laugh at people's jokes. I guess I give off the impression that i'm mad at the person...but that's not the case. it's just better than saying something out of line and dealing with the aftermath. And I don't think I would actually...say anything like that, but...

Who knows...

I have a bunch of homework to finish. i had a YESSI meeting that I just got back from, and that + an O&M lesson took up pretty much all of my day.

I'm gonna go take a shower....maybe i'll continue this afterwords...nonsense rambling seems to help me relax.

Maybe=yes, apparently. It's earlier than I thought...anywho...

Zee YESSI meeting. It went pretty well, actually. Almost no drama or politics...it was nice to just laugh for a bit. I feel like me and Z are reaching biffle status again, but it's on and off with her. she has a lot of sh!t going on in her life, with her mother and her family and her whole situation, so I guess I can't blame her...but it's nice. I'll enjoy it while it lasts.
She's the only one-that isn't an online friend or anything-that I really tell stuff to. I mean, I tell Jalapeno quite a bit, but there's still a tiny bit I keep from him. Z's the first one who knew I was into girls, she was really the only one who I talked about crushes too. She knows who I've dated and details about everything. I told her about the crush I had on someone I'd never met in person even before we got together...and she was the first to encourage me to go for it despite the distance. Not that i was the first one to say something to said person, because I'm never the first to make a move, but yeah. Z's current relationship with E is pretty long distance...ca/Missouri. I mean, they've actually met a few times and gone out on dates, and they talk daily...via phone, Skype, whatever. Idk, I guess that's what I need in a relationship...some sort of comfortable awkward-free communication...and i'm getting way off track. Anyways, I open up to that girl for 99% of everything, so it's nice to have her back in my life...for the time being.

They served dinner at the meeting. I had a piece of pizza and a brownie...and I'm trying not to freak out over that. I feel disgusting. I hate it. I hate that i'm so self-conscious. I hate that I can't stand the fact that my nail polish is chipped, that my hair needs a dye urgently, that my eyebrows don't look perfect, that my skin will never be flawless. ...and so many other things. I can't stand girls that are so...focused on alll this. It drives me insane. When did I become this person? When did I get so self-centered and focused on appearance, when did I start caring what other people thought....and when did I get so negative and whiney? I kind of can't stand who I am right now.


Toward the end of the meeting, Z read a little story thing someone wrote. It was about this guy and girl...who fell in love. The girl took the guy to her house in some Egyptian place, so her father could give his approval and blessing for them to be wed. The guy was blind. The father refused to allow his daughter to marry someone who he believed was incapable of taking care of himself let alone her; someone who he did not believe could support her financially--someone who he thought would be more of a curse to his daughter than a blessing. The story ended with the father proclaiming this. Then z opened it up to discussion. She asked what we'd all do if we were in that situation...with a relationship, or, just with anything. I didn't really know how to answer. I don't feel like I'm enough for someone most of the time as it is, so I'd be terrified if I were ever caught in some situation like that. Not that the people I love aren't worth fighting for with tooth and nail, because they more than are, but...I don't know, sometimes I feel like just taking myself out of certain people's lives would make them a lot happier in the end...and that's probably my over-dramatic self just whining negativity again, but that's what i think...

Anyways, I wanna find this story she read. Z needs to get on Skype and send it to me. I really liked how it was told. I like how the author described the attraction the man instantly felt with the woman. Which is something else that came up when we were talking about the story... Me and Z both agreed that we get asked a lot what attracts us to a person, considering we can't see them and be drawn in by some physical trait. i like how the author described her laugh, her voice, the way she said certain things, the way he could tell she didn't feel any sort of awkwardness around him, her personality...how these things combined were more than enough to draw one in and make him fall in love. It was sweet. Y'know, until the end...

Anyhow, it's too quiet. Our entire house has no TV...it won't be working until Saturday. I don't actually watch that much TV, but I like to have it on...as like, background noise. I'm not a fan of total quiet most of the time. I'm mildly creeped out by the absolute silence right now...not gonna lie.

It's All Begun to Fade

I'm kind of in that 'what if/if only' state of mind. I hate this. I don't like re-thinking and wishing for things that aren't going to happen...

Idk, my mother's overprotectedness in kind of starting to annoy me. I mean, i get that she worries and all, i just wish...that she'd trust me, at least a little bit. My mom feels pity for everyone, and i really can't stand it. Especially when it's directed at me. My dad's different-sure he's overprotective and all, but he doesn't do it only because of one thing...i don't know, i don't think i'm making sense.

I wish i didn't depend so heavily on my parents. I wish i could just go out, whenever. or, if not whenever, at least go out occasionally, without my parents. sometimes it's okay, spending time with them is fine, but...sometimes i'd much rather go with like, someone my own age. Like when i go to concerts, for example. i hate that the only person i can go with is my mother.
I mean, i've gone with friends...over a year ago, when a tiny bit of my social life still existed. I hate not having a single person who I can call up and say 'hey, wanna go to the concert..or to the movies'...or anywhere. The closest on-and-off friend I have is also blind, and my mother would never let us go anywhere alone, with her paranoid 'you two are incapable' ideals.

I wish i could get people at my school to see me as more than the blind kid...and i hate that i feel the need to complain about this. it feels like i'm complaining about being blind, and giving everyone a whiney feel sorry for meee story, and that's not what i'm aiming for. I just...idk, I'm frustrated that i feel like it's holding me back from having a "normal" social life, and maybe that's not true...maybe it has nothing to do with the disability. Maybe it's just me; the person. The awkward, shy, quiet, closed-off person that i show people as a first impression. I feel like i push most people away. I feel like it's my fault, and i wanna change it, and i don't know how...

I feel like i'm a different person with my online friends; well, not exactly...not different, just more...i don't know. I'm less concerned with what they think of me, i'm much more comfortable around them. I can talk freely, and not over-analyze every word I say. I'm so used to people being so awkward in front of me and always watching what they say ("Have you seen that movie? ...oh, i didn't mean to say 'see', i meant...heard."), and I get it, but i don't really...care what word choice people use. I'm pretty...hard to offend when it comes to this. Or, i get people who are iether embarrassed to be seen with me or feel sorry and just come over and say hi for that reason. and the online people have been such a nice change from that. I don't feel abnormal around them..and i like it... and again i'm going all sob story on this...ugh. but, I think all this is the reason i'm so hessitant, or feel awkward, about meeting these people. Idk, i don't like asking people where this or that is, or asking them to guide me if we're walking here or there-and that's prob what I'd have to do, and i don't want to. I don't want to seem like a burden, or put them in some awkward position or something... I don't even know if that even makes sense. And then i wonder..if i'd met any of these people in person vs. online...how many of them would i actually have a close relationship with? But i'd rather not know the answer to that...

I feel like this was just a ton of nonsense rambling. I don't even know...i'm just frustrated, with a lot of things. I don't know what to think...kust, idkidk.
I want someone to like, come and give me a hug, or make me laugh, right now.

I hate this feeling.


PS: I'm still not over you...not completely, but...I don't know. I'm confused.

Can We Just Say the Rest With No Sound

Hmm...

Contimplating.

Re-discovering new songs...

Dear You,

If I were to dedicate you a song...maybe it would be "Devil in Me", or "Electric Harmony", or maybe even "I Won't Disagree." I just don't know. You fill me with mixed emotions. If i gave out the ten million other songs that also remind me of you, it might make it even more obvious. There's a lot I could say to you; some good, and some that maybe you wouldn't want to hear and I wouldn't want to say. But honestly? I don't really see the point anymore. It's like trying to catch air or something. Like something that feels real in every way...and yet, when you reflect on all the aspects of it when you're feeling lonely, you see there's that one thing missing...and you want to look past that so much-you just want to enjoy it, but it's just not...enough? No, that sounds inaccurate, it's like...i don't really know.


Dear C

I want to dedicate "A-N-G-E-L" by Natasha Bedingfield to you...you'd know why if you ever read this. But, I was just reminded of a song that sort of reflects our relationship to a T. "Wasted" by Brandi Carlile. Of course you haven't heard it...you don't listen to that kind of music, but it's true. All of what it says, it says it better than I ever could. I haven't heard from you in a little while, not uncommon. I will always care about you, despite everything. You worry me, I wish I could help you, but we both know that isn't happening...you've tried to make me do it before, and it's so useless. I feel like the worst friend in the world for saying that. i kind of sort of slightly hope you come across this someday...

Dear girl with the hair,


"Jump Then Fall"? ..."Teardrops on my Guitar?" Hah, I don't even know. You're just...you. I care about you a lot. I also think I'm starting to like you a lot...I wish I could make that last part stop. I wonder if you've noticed yet...but i'm guessing you haven't. I mean, if you had, you would've said something, or gone away, right? It's not worth ruining our friendship over. And you're so happy with him, the least i could do is be happy for you. and I am, but sometimes...
Dear chick with the face,

Umm... It's something like "Only Fooling Myself." (Which, if I told you, would seem very very ironic...) maybe even "Superstar"...if we look at it in that way, but...yeah. I don't know why I go the extra mile and beyond to catch your attention or impress you, it won't change anything; it won't do what I want it to do. But I still do it, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Just so you know, your hugs and your laugh make my day. They shouldn't, they're not meant too, but they do.

Dear fille,

I'm kinda done with you and all your bullshit. It's the little things that really show me your true colors, and it's just not worth dealing with anymore. But I might still continue too, because I care about you too much. I can't let go of friends easily, but I definitely don't forgive easily iether. So don't go expecting a hug and a smile anytime soon.

---

Yes, another one of these...I like vague. Or maybe it's really not vague. I don't know...

I've been saying that phrase an extra-lot today. About a lot of things... About college, being ready for it, which dad has made evident that I am not. Some of what he said made me feel like he was putting me down, like i should've fought against what he was telling me, but I know he was being honest, and around here that's more than I could ask for. I appreciate his honesty, I really do, but I don't know, it just terrifies me when he tells me these things. and then it shows me how much of a mess i am, how incapable i really am... but it makes me wanna change all that. this has to be the year to do it, there's really no other way to achieve everything I want to do if I don't fix it..
We had one of those emotional or whatever family talks, by family I mean me+parents. I almost came out to him...then chickened out. I don't even know why. Maybe it wasn't the right time? It really wasn't...but when is it? Is it even worth it to tell them? What am I gaining by doing that? Maybe I shouldn't say anything... but I hate hiding things, esp from dad. His motto is that we have a completely open, honest pollicy relationship, he says I'm the only of his children he has that with...and i always feel like i'm betraying that when i hide something or lie. But...i was, idk, scared of disappointing him, or mom? Which sounds hypocritical of me to say... or, afraid of breaking down and being called weak? I couldn't tell you. I think I'm just gonna stop worrying about it for a bit...the right time has to present itself eventually.

In other news, school starts tomorrow. lame.