Now I'm Inside Out...

Hey.

They say that writing something out is supposed to help you figure out what you’re thinking or whatever, right? Maybe? I don’t know…that’s what I’m doing, let’s see where it leads me.

Where to start, where to start…
You know when you’re thinking about 43908790867 things all at once and you don’t know where one thought ends and one begins? Yeah, welcome to my mind. It’s not really that anything super-huge has happened-well, backtrack, I guess part of it holds a pretty big amount of significance-but…I don’t know, most things are the usual, they just seem to affect me more right now…maybe because they’re all happening all at once, and I can’t find anything to distract myself with.

It’s not that *everything* is going wrong, because that would be a total lie. I’m going to an Amy Kuney show next week, so that’s pretty cool. Because of Amy and Kate I’ve met some pretty amazing girls, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them. …especially now. Recently I started dating someone pretty amazing… So as you can see I have quite a bit going for me I guess.

But still…

Part un: I love my family to death, and I know that they feel the same. I just wish things were different… I wish there wasn’t such a rift between me and my two brothers; I wish my brothers had some sort of goal, that way I wouldn’t have to listen to my dad complain about it and my parents then argue endlessly about it, and eventually the screams of my brother and my dad on a Friday or Saturday night that I sometimes hear; I wish my dad didn’t have such high expectations…considering it feels like I’m failing at everything and I can’t talk to him because I’m afraid of letting him down; I wish my mom had more expectation-that she truly believed that a disability doesn’t limit you in life-I want her true support in what I do. Is that too much to ask? Of course it is, I tend to ask for the moon all too often, but I don’t expect anything to change anytime soon…I just wish it would.

In other news, I do believe that I mentioned that I was dating someone.. Well, before we get into that I guess I should inform you all that I’m a lesbian. Surprise surprise. I’ve started not caring about what people think about it; the only people who I’m really h’hiding’ it from are my parents…and I guess that goes back to the whole disappointing thing. I feel stupid for saying that I don’t want them to be disappointed in me for liking girls, but…I don’t know…

Anyways, this person that I’m dating. We started talking almost a year ago, and I got along with them really well. But, there’s a bit of distance between us. I think we can work past it, I really hope we can, because I care about this person a lot… Which brings me to my next mental discussion. Recently this person told me that they loved me, and I told them that I loved them…and I do think that I mean it, I just…wonder…if it’s really love that I’m feeling. I mean, they’re the first person I think about when I wake up, and they can always make me smile, and I love having any sort of conversation with them, no matter how simple…but I wish I could be completely certain that I love them. I mean, they make me feel beautiful, they make me feel loved, and thinking about them gets me through a lot of stuff…but how do you know for sure that you love someone if you haven’t been in love before.. And if that person’s reading this, then I hope they don’t think that I’m doubting what I told them before about wanting to say it back and meaning it, because I do…I just wonder I guess, if things would be different if there wasn’t so much distance between us, if things would be better or worse. And I wish I could just straight-up tell them this, I guess I could, but I’m really not the one to initiate conversations. You’ll notice that whether you’ve known me for 3 days or 10 years, I hate to be the one to initiate a conversation…and no matter who you are, I suck at getting my feelings out to you. It’s not that I don’t want to tell people-that I don’t trust them or anything-it’s just that I’m really bad at putting things into words, especially text-I’d much rather talk by word of mouth if there’s something on my mind; I like to have that connection with someone. And as a last not on this subject, if the person I’m dating reads this, I’m not saying that I’m questioning our relationship or doubting anything or anything… And I hope they know how thankful I am to have them in my life.

There’s a ton more I want to write, but I think I’ll save that for a later blog. Hope you’re all having a fabulous Thursday. :)