Well it Goes Like This, the 4th the 5th

Yo bloggers,

So, my journalism teacher is asking us to keep a blog/journal/...thing, for a few weeks, and I figured I might as well forward it to this lovely blogggg, for the non-existent people that actually read it.

I was gonna make my first entry super interesting and insightful and long and blah blah blah...but today was the deadline for submitting college apps. And, me being the super duper procrastinator that I undoubtedly am...still in the process of completing them. Taking a quick break, because the UC sight is down-meaning, UCLA and UCSB apps may never make it...which, honestly, isn't a big deal. I'm applying to those schools more for my parents' pride than for my own interest. I'm pretty sure I won't get into iether of them, and I'm honestly not interested in iether anymore. We'll see...

I just sent in four apps...whoa, what is this? Wasn't it just yesterday that I was six and swore I'd be the smartest person and get into all the 'big' schools and study to be a teacher for the blind? Where did freshman year go? You know, when I thought sending college applications in was some scary intimidating tale of the future? :O
Now come the months of constantly being in a panic about not getting into anywhere and being a failure in the eyes of my parents-and everyone else-and...ewiorfgdjklh.
I'm paranoid...
i'm also hungry, but that's irrelevant.
I can hear Hannah Montana in the background...not very rellivant iether...

Enough rambling, i'm gonna go show my dad that I did indeed actually end up applying for college.
he hath little faith.
pfft, just because I waited until 3 hours before the deadline...
Damn,
okay, maybe that wasn't the smartest thing to do.

But hey, I actually applied, so Hah.
College...freaky stuff. When I was little i thought the day when I *had* to apply would never come.
I'm a big kid noww!!

...And this is the most psychotically ADD blog I've ever written.
How's that for my intro journal entry, Mrs. Z?

Peace out
xoxo

PS: Totally missed most of tonight's OTH because of this stuff (or my extreme procrastination...whichever). FAIL.

So Tell Me Little Bird

So…I could say that holy crap today sucked like none other, but that’d just sound a little too pesamistic.
Just a little bit..

I could lie and say that the thing that ruined my day the most today wasn’t Kate’s show being cancelled, but that would be a lie. It kinda sucks.
And by kinda I mean, Damnitholyfuckthisreallysucksruinedmymonth…

Here’s hoping for another tour in the near (very near) future. Honestly concerts are one of the few things I look forward too…so weioghghdfjkl I’m pathetic, get over it.
Let’s try some happy stuffs, yes? It’s November..aka almost Christmas. That’s…happy-ish. I’m Kate’s fan of the week….yay. Sammie sent me a Brooke White autograph; LOVE. My French teacher wasn’t here today, that kind of made me happy too, not gonna lie. Tres magnifique.

Since there’s no show tomorrow ( :/ ), I get to talk myself into going for another French tutoring session, because evidently I epically fail at school…like most other things. At least I beasted that last test.
My fabulous (fabulous in the I.can’t.stand.him. sense) rehab councelor called…guess who’s back, back again…
I’m almost done with filling out college apps, and one is out-of-state. I think the reason my parents want me to stay in Cali-one of the reasons-is that they want me to go to s school in which I know people…and I get it, but the thing is, no matter where I go, it’ll basically be starting over. I literally don’t talk to a single person at school enough to consider them a friend…feel free not to laugh. I know there are other reasons, but I really really just wanna get out of here and travel and be somewhere completely new for a while.
I’m watching Jon and Kate +8 with mom at the moment…damn this show is depressing. Aaaand I’m chatting with Ali. My KV peoples make me happy, I’d seriously lose my mind if not for them.

*scatter-brained pointless post* I don’t feel like writing any thing with substance, I just feel like crying and wallowing in self-pity for a little bit longer, k? Awesome.

When the Roof Caved in and the Truth Came Out, I just didn't know What to do

NFBC 2009 Convention: Sparknotes-style

I had every intention of actually writing a post worth reading about this year’s Convention, but a mountain of homework and sleepiness attacked me right when I got back…and it’s still sticking around, so here go the highlights…

Waking up way too early to Jon and Kate +8
Super-last-minute packing
Super last-minute plans
Trying to avoid all communication with Z’s sister
A book about books
Subway? No thanks.
Getting some more indepth info on the drama
In-N-Out? DEFINITELY
Enter Hilton Hotel…behold the five trillion guide dogs…oh, and some people too
Only paying 20 dollars a night at a Hilton hotel…score?
“Be safe, don’t do anything stupid…” “Wash your hands!”
Those two Hispanic ladies.
Eddison the fabulous doggie, and his owner…mr. creep
Board Meeting that clearly displayed everything I believe is wrong with how the NFB works
The CIC chapter officially no longer having a president (AKA, YESSI’s future in question)
Venting about what went down
Meeting Z’s boyfriend-Eloin, or as I call him, John, Hannah Montana, or Paris Hilton
Meeting my Sophia Bush (slightly more tanned) look-alike
roommate Hi bottles and bottles of alcohol, how’d you get into my room?
Association of Blind Students selling shot glasses…win.
A hotel bar, karaoke night, a virgin margarita that I didn’t have to pay for.
“Even your dog’s looking at you like ‘What the f*ck’s wrong with you.’”

An overly-protective father
One of the worst/most embarrassing meltdowns of my life in front of my parents (And Z, sort of)
Humiliation, so much humiliation
Making plans to leave the next morning
Deciding against it because I knew how badly Z wanted to be there
Comforting talks with a semi-stranger
My fabulous roommate’s dog, Jerriloo (I was 5 seconds away from stealing her)
Wandering around
Selling “Braille legos” with Z at the exhibit hall
Z”What’d I miss?” Me”Not much, I made a sale, John over here got some girl’s number…”
Chocolate cake!
Seeing my squeally friend Hannaaaaaaah. …and her odd mom.
CABS registration, my door prize name=Megan Fox. Really Z, really?
Deriane’s speech…oh my
Hanging out in Eloin’s room, being the third wheel, not so fabulous
Whatcha sahyyyyyyy
Over and over and over
“We could fit like four more people on this bed…”
Meeting Brett (leader of Co Center for the Blind..), almost getting talked into going next year
Lapdances to “You Belong With Me”
Getting squashed
Pillow fights
Candyyy
Chocolate-covered strawberries
Did I mention Whatcha Sayyyy?
Too-expensive meals
Pitiful covers of classic songs
Pretty roommate’s voice being completely shot
Z and I waking up the next morning to find that our voices met the same doom…welcome to convention?
General Session…three.hours.+
The girl from Minissota with her amazing accent…OMG
“You’ve got a jacked-up sexy voice goin’ on.”
Sushi for lunch? I ate, I swear…never again.
Skipping out on the rest of general Session and hanging with Z, Eloin, Isabel and her J.Loo.
Calling random people
Tons of banquet glamming up
Texting Ali 049376 times for fashion advice
Trying to stay on no side during Z and E’s little squabble
Flying solo at a mostly couplish banquet
Mauer’s amazing speech (Can’t stand the guy…admire his speeches)
Questionable food.
Afterparty?
Batches and batches of cupcakes
Truth or dare…resulting in another E/Z argument
Alcohol only made things worse
Some more Whatcha Say
“Hurry up, Fluffy Friend!”
Moral support
Midnight packing
Annoying the hell outta Isabel
“What’s my lion doing under the bed!?”
Z’s scramble to try to pack before closing session
Missing awards breakfast because we cherish our sleep
Major drama going down at the closing session…courtesy of D and Z
Leaving early
Misplaced things…
Starbucksssssss
Nuts..or, insects, I’m still not quite sure.
Home, Skype, sleep.

This experience wasn’t amazing, but it was definitely one more than worth having. I was set on going home after everything that went down in the first few hours, but I couldn’t do that to my friend…and I guess I would’ve missed out on things had I not stayed myself. The political and friend-related drama was way more than I ever wanna deal with again, but it showed me how people work, and I saw new sides of people.
I like these conventions because unlike at my school, I’m not “the blind kid” there…we’re all basically viewed as equal-and if we’re not, it’s not a vision-related bias, which is a nice change. I don’t have to be embarrassed of using a cane/reading Braille in public..the NFB encourages both of those.
I like being able to vent to other people about struggles we all face, without feeling like a whiner…and if I am one…well, I was whining with about 20 others, so it’s all good. So many people’s stories are so impressive, and the completely normal lives/careers they are involved in are admirable, or, something I strive for.
This trip made me seriously waaaant a guide dog-not because they help out, or because they’re nicer-looking than a cane, but just because they’re so effing adorable. Good motivation, no?

As for life in the real world, it’s been blahh. I went in for an impromptu session of French “tutoring”, because a C isn’t near good enough for my personal standards, and I refuse to let it sit or fall lower. Music Theory would be a lot simpler if I knew Braille music…I’m making a personal goal to start teaching myself starting…today. Lunch/breaks are lonely…just a few more months.. Currently applying for colleges…crazy shiz. I really really wanna apply to some out-of-state schools. Would it really be that bad if I applied to them without telling my dad?

One more thing: I SEE KATE IN A WEEK. …actually, less than a week. NONE of you understand my excitement….Tickets for Colbie and Taylor shows are going on sale so soon. Ahhh, I wanna go so badly! I need a job.
Au Revoir

I'm Still Learning, How to Love You--You are the Only one That's Worth the Fight

***PLEASE ignore spelling errors/the fact that this might make absolutely no sense...it's 1:00 AM, and I'm way too lazy to read over this...

Hi blogging peoples, HOW YOU DOINNNNNNNN!?

Overly enthusiastic? Yes, but that’s what happens on Halloween candy and late night conbinations.
So, let’s take a trip into my life, shall we?
Yesterday (Tuesday) I went to an NFBCIC (National Federation of the Blind Channel Islands Chapter) meeting. We hadn’t been to one since June—the July one was counceled, and the August one…well, we just didn’t go.
Going back reminded me of the last one I went to, it was on June 16th…it’s funny how things can change so much in such a short amount of time, circumstances, views on people, relationships, opinions…

I was just out of school that day…I did a lot and so little all at once this summer, but it still made me kind of sad to think back on that day and remember how (happy? Even more lost? Who knows.) I was.

Anyhow, back to the present. One of the main topics discussed at this meeting was the money we had all worked to fund-raise. There was nothing in particular we were fund-raising for, I mean, we have things we want to accomplish, but the money wasn’t being saved up for one particular thing. There were many ideas proposed for what should be done with part of that money, in an effort to give back to the community and increase blindness awareness.
I had a few ideas of buying technology and those kinds of things, for kids or seniors that needed it and could not afford it. Most people agreed with the idea, but they didn’t see why it should be limited to those less fortunate; they believed that people in our chapter should get first dibbs on new equipment they might need. I guess I understand this, but, I don’t get why money that was raised with the intention of helping the blind community succeed should be spent on those who helped raise it, versus those who I believe would most benefit from it. If there are people in our chapter that really need resources that they can not afford, or get through rehab, then I am completely okay with money being spent to help them, but if there is someone who has enough money to buy something, but refuses because he or she believes it should not be paid for by the family themselves, then I don’t think it’s really benifiting to use the money to purchase what they need. I understand that in many homes money is tight and parents can not always give their children all they need—especially blind/low-vision tools which can be relatively expensive-but I think there is I don’t know…a limit as to who is considered not able to afford these things, and who simply refuses tho payfor them because he or she thinks that a disability entitles one to free things no matter what.

For me personally, I would never ask for any sort of financial help with these things, because I have everything that I need, and I know that I can afford new things if I need them, whereas many other young kids may not be able to. Of course, I intend to apply for scholarships etc for college, but that’s logical; college is much more expensive than a $30 brailled something or another. There was this family last night, a mom and two girls, who I know personally because they were part of YESSI until recently. They passed a motion that one thousand dollars be used for small resources (canes, slates and sytyuses, materials to learn braile), and also propsed that we set aside a good amount of money to help any chapter member with his or her needs, no matter what. Both motions passed.
Maybe I’m wrong-maybe I’m completely obvlivious and naïve, but it’d mean so much more to me if the money I helped raise would go to help people we have yet to reach out to, people would be most grateful and most in need of things. One of the parents said that we should donate more money to one place and not another, because it would show off how much we had made this past year. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at this, because for me, showing off has never been part of the goal. I would rather help out twenty families, even if none decided to join the NFB afterwords, than help people who didn’t truly need it, or show the state how much we’d made by giving an exceptionally large pledge at state Convention this year. I don’t know, maybe I’m just not cut out for politics. I just want to impact people’s lives and know that I’ve actually made a difference in the community, I don’t care about getting praised or recognizerd orknown for this thing or that. In the end, though, I guess the goal of any sort of organization is to be known, to thrive and gain supporte and members, and to be praised. I’m not saying I’m right and the chapter leaders are wrong or anything, it’s just an opinion.

On the topic of NFB things, tomorrow I’m headed to the NFB Californiastate convention. It’s not as exciting as last year’s, because of so much political drama that I’m too tired to go through, but it should be a good experience nonetheless. My parents are supposed to drive me and my friend, let’s call her Z. Well, Z’s mom is…umm, overbearing? To say the least. She’s not the best parent, let’s just leave it at that, and therefore there’s been too much confusion and miscommunication between them and us. Z is also partly to blame for this, and it’s basically a long boring story, but I’m just hoping things work out and we actually make it to the convention tomorrow.

Last year’s convention was nice. It was the first NFB event I did, and it was kind of eye-opening(no pun intended…ha). I had never sen somany blind and low-vision people who were so independent and successful in som many fields, and in general, I had just never been around so many blind people before. I’m so used to be “the blind kid” in my town, but here I was just some other kid, and it felt nice. It was nice to just walk up and talk to people, or hang out in a room full of teenagers, without having them being all cautious and unsure and/or feeling sorry/babying me. Many of these people and their success inspired me, they showed me that there are other carreer options to look at, and that many things are possible. It was a great experience, and I hope this year comes out alright too.

As for school, well, same I gues. French is basically kicking my ass, and that’s partially my fault. I know I can put more effort into my work, and focus more and spend more time studying rather than just rushing through the homework without a second thought. A C is definitely not a grade I’m proud of, or one I intend to lkic of my senior year with, so I’m definitely going to put extra effort into improving that. Granted, it’d also help if my work was brailled on time, so I could…actually do it when the class did it, but this has been an on-going issue with my teacher since I started French during my sophomore year, so it’s become something I have to remind her of constantly, and just learn to deal with. Other than that, my classes are good. Government and journalism have tot to be on top of the favorites list as of right now.
There’s a girl that sits in front of me in French…she’s from England, and her accent is swoon-provoking. And then there’s that rocker sophomore girl I ment last year in choir… aaaaaand that’s enough of that. It’s not like I’d actually like, make a move on anyone, I’m way too shy for that. But while we’re on the topic, one thing I’ve learned in the past few months is how much I need someone physically there, or at least, as there as possible. I need full and comfortable communication with a person-to not feel awkward or insecure about talking to them, and to know I can count on them whenever I may need them. In short, I suck at anything relationship-like. And I get so jealous and sad over hearing other girls talk about their X-month anniversary and what they did, and how in love they are… I want that super-powerful connetion with someone. It’s kind of hard for me to let people in, and even moresoe for me to actually let myself fall for someone. I used to be all for anything, and now I’m pretty terrified of tetting hurt. I’m so used to friends just walking away…*sigh* I’m paranoid, I get it from my mother, I swear, I blame her genitics for this one.

As for the other part of school cocial life, yeah, epic fail after epic fail. I’d just like to go one day without getting my cane knocked out of my hand, having someone make some kind of offensive comment, or just…do other things that are starting to get to me again. I’m so sick and tired of it. I thought I’d overcome being embarrassed of being blind…evidently I was wrong. My mom’s constant comments of “she can’t do that because she might fall..” or her awkwardness about me wanting to actually, like, use my cane or Braille in public honestly aren’t helping much either.

Lighter notes? I GET TO SEE KATE IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS…I’M A LITTLE EXCITED ABOUT IT, JUUUUUUST A LITTLE BIT. Obsessions of the moment=”Learning”/”Carry On” by Green River Ordinance, and basically anything Colbie Caillat. Oh, and yay for the return of the Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks-oh how I missed thee.

I had more to say, but this is way too long, and I’m dozing off..oh, and I get to get up in five hours. FML.
If you read this whole thing…props to you.
Until we meet again in cyber-space-land. Xoxo

OH, and for Ali (who kept bugging me after tonight’s lovely Skype chat):
Elevator List:
Kate Voegele
Taylor Swift
Carly Smithson
Sophia Bush
Hayley Williams
Colbie Caillat
…and ac couple of the skypers, of course
…HAPPY. Haha

‘Cause those who get to know our hearts the most, They always seem to be the ones we'll never hold

Hola,

Been a while-how’ve you been, blog-reading-peoples? Good I hope.
I don’t really know what to say, life’s been blahh. Honestly I don’t even know how to put into understandable text what’s going on within the confines of my mind at the moment. I want someone to talk to-someone to just fearlessly vent to with the reassurance that he or she will still be there when I’m done. I want someone to just say ‘it’s okay and ‘you’re not as f*cked up as you’re making yourself out to be.’ I want someone to hold and laugh with-someone to call at 2:00 in the morning when things are going completely wrong; someone who trusts me and knows they can rant endlessly and I’ll listen to every word.
I don’t know. *sigh* I’ve just been in a really lonely failure kinda mood lately. I feel completely abandoned at school, and I hate being that girl-the one with the headphones sitting on the sidelines alone at lunch and walking away from everyone in the halls. I hate being so shy and awkward and looked down upon. I hate that little things are starting to get to me again, like people’s comments, and the worry of what everyone will think of me. I hate that even just thinking about all of the stupid insignificant stuff that’s going on makes me cry. I hate that I feel like a failure as the daughter my parents wanted, the friend I haven’t been, the academics, everything. I wish I was homeschooled or something, so I wouldn’t have to deal with constant humiliation and rejection. I wish I could change so many things, and I hate this because I hate regretting things that I’ve done.
I want to be there for people that I care about-to be able to hold them and comfort them and reassure them that things'lll be okay...and I haven't done that lately. So if you're one of the people I've been pretty much seemingly blowing off...for what it's worth, sorry for letting you down. I wish I knew how to make things better for you...



I hate that I’ve become so afraid of the future. I used to know exactly what I wanted; I had the college and major worked out. But now… I want to go to so many places, I want to get away, and I’m terrified of failing and not getting accepted anywhere. Additionally, I have no idea what the hell I want to study. There are so many things that interest me, but I just don’t know. I hate when my dad asks me if I’ve decided what I want to major in yet, because I always feel like such a disappointment when I just shake my head and walk away. And to make matters more complicated, my new rehab councelor (He helppes pay for technology and books and college tuitions for the disabled…to an extent.) is doing everything in his power to talk me into starting out at a community college, and insists that there’s a good chance I won’t be able to handle going straight to a university. Maybe he’s right..who knows.

Can’t I ever just be enough for someone? I’m unbelievably flawed and I overreact and freak out and am extremely shy and laugh too much and hide my emotions all too often and obsess too much ofer things and get overly-excited, and I’m starting to hate all of that about myself.
Don't ask me what I want right now...cause I really have no idea. I'm just...IDK, frustrated?
It's rediculous, I have an unbelievably blessed life, and I manage to write out a page of complaints everytime I blog. *sigh*

Whining over…

Good things? Hm, I’m seeing Kate on November third, so that’s pretty cool. I might become secretary of CABS (California Association of Blind Students), and yes, that’s kind of a big deal in the NFB community, so I guess that’s something to be proud of. Other than the social non-existance, school’s been…bearable. My classes are relatively interesting, so that’s a plus. Now if I could just cut back on the severe procrastination…
Things at home with the fighting crap have been surprisingly calm. *knocks on wood*
I could do without my mom’s insensitive hurtful comments, but that’s a whole other story I really don’t feel like going into.
Apparently Brooke White called me ‘Daisy Duck’ (thanks Sammie for the FYI), and that made me smiley, therefore it must be blogged about. I must see her live. MUST. I must also see Colbie Caillat, Taylor Swift, Kate and Amy (Yes, again, and again and again), Angel Taylor, Kelly Clarkson, Demi Lovato, Katy Perry… There are so many people I’d lovelovelove to see…

It’s getting late, so I think I’m gonna end this. School tomorrow. Yay? Right…
Peace out blogger folks

Let the Caffeine Do the Talking

Yo,

Not much to say...
I started school, and so far so hard. English looks pretty okay, French is the same old, Chem is...blah, Stats horrifies me, Journalism excites me, lunch = ughh, and Gov is pretty awesome so far.
Getting up at 5:00? ...Not so awesome.
I'm trying to let go of so many things and just start new-start over, so let's hope it works.

******
The music is loud,
Guitars screeching, blaring
Drums pounding
Vibrations and echoes,
The cheers and
Claps,
As the lights dim
A moment of silence
A note held
As the spotlight illuminates
The petite musician,
Red guitar in hand
Microphone too.

The energy escalates,
The audience jumps, screams
Energy radiates throughout
Excitement can be felt
Bouncing off walls
Enveloping all who
Are witnessing this.

A common happening,
Yet to me
One of the most
Magical.

A musician, lyrics, melodies,
They express so much
And alter life greatly
Bring about new experiences
Emotions.
Concerts feel
Near magical with happiness.
Feeling and breathing,
It all in
Moments I’ve spent
In theaters and venues
The most memorable
--
What I am
Most thankful for

So many united
Feeling
Excited and exhilarated.
*******

...And that my friends, was a half-assed first-day-of-school English writing assignment. (Write a random free-verse poem describing you or something you enjoy. No more than four words per line, around sixty lines long, make sure none rhyme.)
And here's another...

*****



I am named
The name of
A flower
With no middle name
And “Soto”
At the end.

Mexican origin and LA-born
Spanish-speaking
Living in a town
Small dull
Town of the oaks.

I dream constantly
Of many things
And many places
Places to travel
People to meet
And things to experience.

I want to visit
Every corner of
This large world
And indulge myself in
What it all
Has to offer.

Music is my escape
For I truly believe
That it says
What can not be spoken
And conveys bluntly
Every emotion
Putting it into
Lyric and melody.

I have no
Musical talent myself
But I admire
Those who do
Because music impacts lives
Changes them,
introduces new ideas
Brings about unforgettable experiences
It heals and helps
I believe that the
Closest thing to magic
Is the feeling
One gets at
A concert;
The excitement radiating
Different people united
And together
Because of a universal love-
So many stories untold…

I am many things
Sarcastic and kind
Giggling and hopeful
Happy and shy
Thankful for everything
In my life.
Thankful for my brothers
And inspiring parents
And incredible beautiful friends.

I am not
A fan of roller coasters
Or worms or
Early mornings waking up.
I am a fan
Of acoustic songs
Moving lyrics, soulful voices
Live music, screaming crouds
New books, shiny earrings
Peace signs and rainbows
Chinese food and lemonade
Smiles and hysterical laughter
Dogs and dolphins
Cheese-its and vitamin water
Love, life, and living.

****

...I should've put more effort into these, but alass...it was 7:00 AM and well, it was 7:00 AM...

Peace out. :)

Breakdown, Turn Around, And depend on something that's more

Hello there.

So…it’s late and I’m tired, therefore I’m not putting any effort into fixing typos and spelling errors in this…so sorry if things don’t make sense or something.

I figured it was time I updated this blog thingy…so here it goes..

Hm, what can I talk to you all about today. There’s a lot I want to say, a lot of things I want to talk about in great detail…things I want people to know and things I want to get people’s opinions on, but honestly I’m not really in the mood to write them all out here. Maybe I’ll call a friend or something and deal with it that way…maybe..

I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining about anything, considering how lucky I really am. But I don’t know, there’s always something missing that my parents can’t make or buy from me, and the feeling of knowing it isn’t a pleasant one.

I suppose this is partially my fault, and my mom never fails to remind me that it’s my lack of effort that’s keeping me from being happier.
I feel like this summer was filled with new experiences, things learned, friendships established and re-established, new things discovered…new emotions felt, but I feel like it’s all slipping away with the season’s end. I’m slacking on things I should and need to get done, and I don’t have the motivation I used to have a couple of months ago…and it’s really frustrating. I’ve let people slip away-people that I really care about, and I’ve neglected family and friends that needed me at one point. I want to fix all these relationships and make things okay, but I don’t know where to begin or how to explain myself or how to deal with being pushed away…

I was looking through an old journal I used to keep, and I decided I’d share what I wrote there…because there are things I want to say to someone, but considering I don’t know who to go to, I figured this was the nnext best place…

I’m completely awayre of the fact that I’ve been more than blessed with the lack of real drama to ever happen in my life; when compared to so many people I’m extremely lucky. My mom always tells me that I don’t ever have a good excuse for crying, considering I don’t even know the meaning of the word ‘suffer,’ and I guess in a way she has a point. But still, there are things that my parents half-and-half know and don’t know… When I was little my brothers (especially the oldest) were heavily involved in gang activity, and my dad would nnever stand for it. I have tons of memories of the nightly screaming matches filled with words that scared me when I was about five or six. I remember hating my dad, because I thought he was the reason my family was always arguing and miserable. He would be the one everyone would be fighting with, therefore I reasoned that he was the cause for everyone’s anger. By now the fighting episodes only happen about once a month, but I don’t blame it solely on my dad anymore; I can see the faults in everyone in my family…I just hate all the harsh words echoing and the slamming doors and the few days afterwords during which no one talks to anyone, and I hate having to choose sides when it all happens. It probably sounds really lame and childish that it bothers me so much, I’m sure a lot of people deal with that sort of thing, but I don’t know, twelve years of it are starting to get to me.

The only friend I’ve kept from elementary school is Jose…and I think he’s the only person who really knows me inside out. By the time I was in sixth grade he was basically my only actual friend…and that continued until half of eighth grade was over, and it began again when I started high school. I’ve always been used to people’s rude comments or pitiful remarks, but having them come rfrm all directions in school really began to hurt by the start of innth grade. I spent almost two years in a almost-depresion state, where I didn’t even want to show my face in school, let alone any other public place. I began to occasionally use my nails or a razor to cut myself because I didn’t know who to talk to and I couldn’t deal with just keeping all my fucked up emotions inside.. I’ll still occasionally do that, but it isn’t something I’m proud of. By the end of my freshman year I had considered suicide more than once….worked different ways I could do it in detail. My dad believed that one’s mind is controlled by only them, so he saw everything I had going on as pure weakness, and even though I never told him anything, I knew he knew more than I’d aver admit to him…he’d always tell me not to be that weak and pathetic, and I don’t know if that lessened or strengthened what I was dealing with. I don’t necessarily agree with his ideals, but I guess I have to be thankful for the fact that he tried to help. I think that me knowing that if I didn anything stupid it’d break my mom completely, and knowing I’d miss out on potentially amazing experiences, kept me from falling fdeepr.
Believe it or not discovering a certain musician or two was the thing that pulled me out of my scnstant FML state of mind. Coming across artists with meaningful lyrics that told me I wasn’t the only gonegoing through this or that, and meeting people who could also reaate, helped so much. It all inspired me to want to change someone’s life, to want to impact in an optimistic way…in some way that they’ll remember and that’ll help them. Going to concerts and seeing and feeling the energy of it all, and meeting other people as passionate about something Is I was, it made me feel like I belonged somewhere, and like I’d miss out on so much if I gave up then-or now, for that matter. So for that I guess I owe a lot to Kate Voegele and her moving lyrics.
When I was thirteen I tried everything I could think of to look how I wanted to look, and how I thought I was supposed to look to have a better social life and all that. A few months after getting obsessed over that, I began making myself throw up after every meal. My parents eventually found out, and even though they didn’t directly prevent me from stopping it, they in a way guilted me into it…and for a while I stopped, but it started over a few months after I started ninth grade, and it still continues now.
So yeah… there’s my pathetic sob story, I apologize for this post. Ha.
Let’s see, what can I tell you about my current life. Um, I start school Thursday; bittersweet. I can’t believe I’m going to be a serior, I can’t believe that I’m gonna be applying for colleges and more scholarships…and it’s just all kind of surprising and scary and exciting and awesome and OMG all at once. My schedule isn’t the seasiest, but it’s not that bad,a nd at least it’ll give me something to do.
English, French 3, Chemistry, Statistics AP, Journalism. Econ/APS
…Yay? Lol

I get to see Amy Kuney in a little less that two weeks, so that’s the sweet silver lining… And Kate’s probably touring in the near future too, so I’m UNBELIEVABLY EXCITED for that.:)

Anyways, I’m determined to make tomorrow (today…?) a good day, despite the family turmoil. Gotta enjoy the last few hours of summer

This is waaaay too long, so I’m gonna stop here. Byeeee