Can We Just Say the Rest With No Sound

Hmm...

Contimplating.

Re-discovering new songs...

Dear You,

If I were to dedicate you a song...maybe it would be "Devil in Me", or "Electric Harmony", or maybe even "I Won't Disagree." I just don't know. You fill me with mixed emotions. If i gave out the ten million other songs that also remind me of you, it might make it even more obvious. There's a lot I could say to you; some good, and some that maybe you wouldn't want to hear and I wouldn't want to say. But honestly? I don't really see the point anymore. It's like trying to catch air or something. Like something that feels real in every way...and yet, when you reflect on all the aspects of it when you're feeling lonely, you see there's that one thing missing...and you want to look past that so much-you just want to enjoy it, but it's just not...enough? No, that sounds inaccurate, it's like...i don't really know.


Dear C

I want to dedicate "A-N-G-E-L" by Natasha Bedingfield to you...you'd know why if you ever read this. But, I was just reminded of a song that sort of reflects our relationship to a T. "Wasted" by Brandi Carlile. Of course you haven't heard it...you don't listen to that kind of music, but it's true. All of what it says, it says it better than I ever could. I haven't heard from you in a little while, not uncommon. I will always care about you, despite everything. You worry me, I wish I could help you, but we both know that isn't happening...you've tried to make me do it before, and it's so useless. I feel like the worst friend in the world for saying that. i kind of sort of slightly hope you come across this someday...

Dear girl with the hair,


"Jump Then Fall"? ..."Teardrops on my Guitar?" Hah, I don't even know. You're just...you. I care about you a lot. I also think I'm starting to like you a lot...I wish I could make that last part stop. I wonder if you've noticed yet...but i'm guessing you haven't. I mean, if you had, you would've said something, or gone away, right? It's not worth ruining our friendship over. And you're so happy with him, the least i could do is be happy for you. and I am, but sometimes...
Dear chick with the face,

Umm... It's something like "Only Fooling Myself." (Which, if I told you, would seem very very ironic...) maybe even "Superstar"...if we look at it in that way, but...yeah. I don't know why I go the extra mile and beyond to catch your attention or impress you, it won't change anything; it won't do what I want it to do. But I still do it, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Just so you know, your hugs and your laugh make my day. They shouldn't, they're not meant too, but they do.

Dear fille,

I'm kinda done with you and all your bullshit. It's the little things that really show me your true colors, and it's just not worth dealing with anymore. But I might still continue too, because I care about you too much. I can't let go of friends easily, but I definitely don't forgive easily iether. So don't go expecting a hug and a smile anytime soon.

---

Yes, another one of these...I like vague. Or maybe it's really not vague. I don't know...

I've been saying that phrase an extra-lot today. About a lot of things... About college, being ready for it, which dad has made evident that I am not. Some of what he said made me feel like he was putting me down, like i should've fought against what he was telling me, but I know he was being honest, and around here that's more than I could ask for. I appreciate his honesty, I really do, but I don't know, it just terrifies me when he tells me these things. and then it shows me how much of a mess i am, how incapable i really am... but it makes me wanna change all that. this has to be the year to do it, there's really no other way to achieve everything I want to do if I don't fix it..
We had one of those emotional or whatever family talks, by family I mean me+parents. I almost came out to him...then chickened out. I don't even know why. Maybe it wasn't the right time? It really wasn't...but when is it? Is it even worth it to tell them? What am I gaining by doing that? Maybe I shouldn't say anything... but I hate hiding things, esp from dad. His motto is that we have a completely open, honest pollicy relationship, he says I'm the only of his children he has that with...and i always feel like i'm betraying that when i hide something or lie. But...i was, idk, scared of disappointing him, or mom? Which sounds hypocritical of me to say... or, afraid of breaking down and being called weak? I couldn't tell you. I think I'm just gonna stop worrying about it for a bit...the right time has to present itself eventually.

In other news, school starts tomorrow. lame.