I'd Rather Forget and Not Slow Down

So agrivated. and I don't even know why.
I have problems. It's just been one of those days... one of those days when everyone seems rediculously annoying, everyone seems to be talking too much, everything seems dull or depressing or just not amusing. I hate these days. and I hate that it's just my state of mind that causes them; it's not the actual events. If I really wanted to, I could change them...make myself think they were better. I wouldn't lash out at people for no reason. and i don't, not really. I just don't...talk. I just avoid all conversation and don't laugh at people's jokes. I guess I give off the impression that i'm mad at the person...but that's not the case. it's just better than saying something out of line and dealing with the aftermath. And I don't think I would actually...say anything like that, but...

Who knows...

I have a bunch of homework to finish. i had a YESSI meeting that I just got back from, and that + an O&M lesson took up pretty much all of my day.

I'm gonna go take a shower....maybe i'll continue this afterwords...nonsense rambling seems to help me relax.

Maybe=yes, apparently. It's earlier than I thought...anywho...

Zee YESSI meeting. It went pretty well, actually. Almost no drama or politics...it was nice to just laugh for a bit. I feel like me and Z are reaching biffle status again, but it's on and off with her. she has a lot of sh!t going on in her life, with her mother and her family and her whole situation, so I guess I can't blame her...but it's nice. I'll enjoy it while it lasts.
She's the only one-that isn't an online friend or anything-that I really tell stuff to. I mean, I tell Jalapeno quite a bit, but there's still a tiny bit I keep from him. Z's the first one who knew I was into girls, she was really the only one who I talked about crushes too. She knows who I've dated and details about everything. I told her about the crush I had on someone I'd never met in person even before we got together...and she was the first to encourage me to go for it despite the distance. Not that i was the first one to say something to said person, because I'm never the first to make a move, but yeah. Z's current relationship with E is pretty long distance...ca/Missouri. I mean, they've actually met a few times and gone out on dates, and they talk daily...via phone, Skype, whatever. Idk, I guess that's what I need in a relationship...some sort of comfortable awkward-free communication...and i'm getting way off track. Anyways, I open up to that girl for 99% of everything, so it's nice to have her back in my life...for the time being.

They served dinner at the meeting. I had a piece of pizza and a brownie...and I'm trying not to freak out over that. I feel disgusting. I hate it. I hate that i'm so self-conscious. I hate that I can't stand the fact that my nail polish is chipped, that my hair needs a dye urgently, that my eyebrows don't look perfect, that my skin will never be flawless. ...and so many other things. I can't stand girls that are so...focused on alll this. It drives me insane. When did I become this person? When did I get so self-centered and focused on appearance, when did I start caring what other people thought....and when did I get so negative and whiney? I kind of can't stand who I am right now.


Toward the end of the meeting, Z read a little story thing someone wrote. It was about this guy and girl...who fell in love. The girl took the guy to her house in some Egyptian place, so her father could give his approval and blessing for them to be wed. The guy was blind. The father refused to allow his daughter to marry someone who he believed was incapable of taking care of himself let alone her; someone who he did not believe could support her financially--someone who he thought would be more of a curse to his daughter than a blessing. The story ended with the father proclaiming this. Then z opened it up to discussion. She asked what we'd all do if we were in that situation...with a relationship, or, just with anything. I didn't really know how to answer. I don't feel like I'm enough for someone most of the time as it is, so I'd be terrified if I were ever caught in some situation like that. Not that the people I love aren't worth fighting for with tooth and nail, because they more than are, but...I don't know, sometimes I feel like just taking myself out of certain people's lives would make them a lot happier in the end...and that's probably my over-dramatic self just whining negativity again, but that's what i think...

Anyways, I wanna find this story she read. Z needs to get on Skype and send it to me. I really liked how it was told. I like how the author described the attraction the man instantly felt with the woman. Which is something else that came up when we were talking about the story... Me and Z both agreed that we get asked a lot what attracts us to a person, considering we can't see them and be drawn in by some physical trait. i like how the author described her laugh, her voice, the way she said certain things, the way he could tell she didn't feel any sort of awkwardness around him, her personality...how these things combined were more than enough to draw one in and make him fall in love. It was sweet. Y'know, until the end...

Anyhow, it's too quiet. Our entire house has no TV...it won't be working until Saturday. I don't actually watch that much TV, but I like to have it on...as like, background noise. I'm not a fan of total quiet most of the time. I'm mildly creeped out by the absolute silence right now...not gonna lie.